Third HCG level back...

My nurse called me on Friday with more good news.  HCG level is in the 11 thousand range.  She said the exact number but I didn't catch it all because I was too surprised by the 11 thousand.  I'm getting a bit excited but still scared.  I'm hoping once I'm past the next hurdle it will get easier to believe it's real.  I'm hoping to schedule my U/S for next Friday.  If not it will have to be the following Tuesday.  

I wonder if I'll ever feel secure with this pregnancy.  Will I always be scared it will end before my beautiful baby is ready for the world?  

My First Mother's Day Gift...

On May 1st, we traveled to SC for another transfer.  This is the 5th transfer since May 20, 2015.  We had the transfer on May 2nd between 11:30 and Noon.  The single embryo got stuck in the catheter so we had to do it all over again.  My RE said it was rare but it does happen which is why they always check the catheter.  I considered it good luck and hoped it wanted to stick to my lining.  We relaxed for the rest of the day.  Enjoyed a dinner at Longhorns and called it a night.  We got to sleep in because our flight was in the afternoon at Myrtle Beach.  I rested for the remainder of the week and on Mothers Day I decided to do an HPT.  The and best Mothers Day gift I ever got happened.  It was positive.  I took two.  One FRER and one CBE.   Both came back positive.  My HCG level on 5/11 was 231 and on 5/13 it was 548.  I have another one on 5/20.  My RE did all he could do and G-d did the rest.  I'm still very scared.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Following instructions...

Each cycle, I put my life in the hands of the RE and the clinic.  I follow exactly what they tell me to do.  I go through the motions day after day, reviewing the calendar several times a day to make sure I got it right.  Estrogen dosage to ultrasound appointments to blood work.  Making sure my travel arrangements are set and are for the correct days.  I find myself going over it, over and over again.  I'm always afraid of screwing it up.  It's really the only way I know how to survive a cycle.  This time was a little different to start.  I did those awful biopsies.  But it will be worth it if it brings me home my baby. We have 2 embryos left before we need to start over again.  I'm so glad we got the money back guarantee.  I don't know what we would do if we hadn't.  I'm still hoping we don't have to do another fresh cycle.  Praying everyday that our emby survives the thaw.  I try to imagine being pregnant and the joy I'll feel.  I pray that I feel that way.  I'm afraid that all the years I've spent trying and failing will have a toll on me and feeling joy will be hard to find. Will I feel terror and fear instead?  I hope not.  All I've ever wanted is to experience what all other women get to experience.  The joy of pregnancy and motherhood.  Another Mothers Day is coming up.  My transfer will be less than a week before Mothers Day.  The best gift I could get would be a positive pregnancy test and of course a healthy baby at the end of that.  Please G-d hear my prayers.  

Having hope...

One of the ladies on Facebook that transferred a 3AA embryo last week is waiting to find out if it stuck.  She is feeling like it worked.  I really hope so.  I'm down to my last 2 embryos and both are not of the best quality anymore.  I'm down to the 3AA and I think a 3AB.  I'm hoping that if hers works then I have a chance too.  I've also been doing reading on endometrial scratch and studies have shown they have improved pregnancy rates.  I'm praying that I'll be one of those successful ones.  I know that's all I can do.  Take one day at a time.  Pray and have hope.  

Trying hard to feel whole again...

I've been trying so hard to be normal.  To get up, go to work, carry on each day till the day is over. I've been feeling crazy emotional.  It doesn't take much to stir them up either.  An email, a phone call, someone saying something perfectly innocent and I feel lost inside.  I sent an email asking my GYN if she would do the biopsies.  I sent a follow up on Friday, then again on Wednesday.  We're talking an entire week and the nurse finally got back to me.  I really dislike her.  I think she lacks empathy and compassion.  How can she be nurse without those qualities.  Anyway, I've set up my appointments.  I hope she's not the one helping my Dr in the office that day but I have a feeling I'm stuck with her.  Let's hope she can muster some of those important nursing qualities.  

Hormones...

Or slutmones as my DH has been calling them.  I've been terribly depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  I force myself to get up and go to work, to keep my mind occupied but I'm just sad.  I'm trying to think positive and believe that my next cycle will work.  My Dr wants me to do an endometrial biopsy.  I need to do two of them a week apart.  It's too costly to go fly down to do it so I'm trying to get with my GYN here.  I sent an email last Wednesday and I'm still waiting to hear back.  It's so frustrating.  Why is it that communication with her is so difficult.  The nurse said she was forwarding the message for her to review on Thursday.  Well, it's now Monday afternoon and I'm still waiting to hear.  I sent a follow up message on Friday as well.  We'll see.  I'm sure this isn't helping with my depression.  J thinks I should just get a new doctor but that would mean a consultation and an explanation of what I'm asking them to do.  All, while knowing nothing about me or my history.  It's all so overwhelming to me right now.  I just want to have my baby.  I just want to be a mom.  

My prayers weren't answered...

I had hoped and prayed this would be the time.  Everything went so smoothly.  My doctor is at a loss and wants to try an endometrial biopsy one month prior to starting meds for another cycle.  I'm sad but I must keep trying.  It's all I have.  

Another two week wait....

Everything has gone according to plan.  My uterus and blood work came back great and we transferred one embryo on 2/8.  We decided to come home same day which was very exhausting.  J got sick and I slept Tuesday and Wednesday away.  I've been trying to relax and not read into everything I feel.  It's hard though.  I've been having lots of cramps.  My blood test is on 2/17.  I'm hoping I have an early B'day present for J.  We'll see.  I'm praying a lot.  I know that's really all I can do at this point.  

Getting ready....

Tomorrow I go for my blood work for checking my hormones.  Tuesday I go for my ultrasound for my lining check.  If everything looks good then transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  I'm scared and nervous but very hopeful.  I'm feeling pretty good.  My A1C is 5.3 and my thyroid is okay so I'm ready.  We decided to transfer one embryo only even though my doctor wants us to transfer two.  I'm scared I won't make it to full term and caring for twins is double the work and money.  Neither of which we have.  Also this week, the first week of February, would have been my due date from my pregnancy in May.  I think I've come to terms with my miscarriage.  I realize now that my last transfer I was depressed.  I also wasn't feeling my best.  This time will be different.  In order for this transfer to have a chance I need to be hopeful and have faith.  I need to put my life in G-d's hands.  I also know that nothing I do or don't do will affect the outcome.  But I will do my part.  I will have faith and hope and know that G-d has a plan.  

New beginnings...

Today is the last day of the year.  I'm not sorry to see it go.  It's been a hard, emotional and difficult year filled with disappointment and heartache like I've never experienced before.  I need a fresh start and what better way to start then with the beginning of a new year.  I'm not making New Years Resolutions.  I'm making a commitment to myself.  I've been sad and depressed.  I know time heals all wounds and that's what I'm counting on.  And part of healing myself means taking care of myself.  So that's my resolution.  To do things to help myself and I'm starting today.

So Happy New Year everyone.  I pray all your hopes and dreams come true. I wish you all good health and happiness in the new year ahead.

Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Sabotaged...

I secretly feel like I sabotaged myself during this last cycle.  I could be grasping at straws, trying to find any reason whatsoever that would have caused this cycle to fail.  Maybe it's all just crazy talk.  Trying to make sense of something out of my control is not very rational but right now I found a reason and it will be hard for anyone to tell me differently.  On 11/10 my PC Dr convinced me to get a flu shot.  I didn't think anything of it but a week prior to my transfer I started feeling ill.  Sort of like I was getting the flu but then it would come and go.  I thought it was the progesterone but I'm not so sure right now since I started feeling better a week later and I was still on progesterone.  It's the only thing I did differently.  Like I said, I could be grasping at straws.  I want to believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes it's hard to accept that.  

Another NEG....

This year is almost over and I'm so glad.  From the miscarriage to this NEG it's getting too much for me to handle these days.  We plan to try again as soon as we can.  Obviously that will be Jan/Feb of 2016.  I'm just feeling so lost right now.  I just want to cry.

1st FET...

We had our first FET on 12/7.  It was a 5 day old embryo.  My Dr went over the embryo but I really didn't comprehend it all.  J said it was a good embryo.  We both want to be excited but the last time was such a punch in the face.  Now I'm just scared to be excited.  Perhaps it's because the miscarriage lasted so long.  I would have been mentally better off if it was just taken care of right away.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling very well since last week.  I wonder if I'm having a reaction to the PIO shots.  I feel like I'm getting the flu.  Achy, headaches, skin feels very sensitive. I feel better after taking Tylenol so I'm just going to keep doing that. I'm only taking the PIO once a day now.  My blood sugar has been out of control.  I have an Endo appointment tomorrow so hoping she'll help me with that.  Sometimes, I'm just taking 1-2 units every hour and it has no affect on anything.  I'll never know for sure what caused my last miscarriage but I don't want my diabetes to be the reason.

Well, here is a picture of my blast.  Hoping and praying it wants to be a part of our family for life.

Jitters and nerves...

I've been having so much anxiety lately.  Everything and anything causes me to go over the edge.  I'm snapping at J often.  By evening I'm exhausted from the anxiety.  My heart races.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.  It comes out of nowhere.  I had my Endo appointment last Monday.  She tweaked my pump settings.  I'm hoping it helps get things under control with my blood sugar.  I have a blood test scheduled for Monday for my hormone levels and my A1C.  I'm really worried about my A1C.  I think it may have gone up since the last time.  I haven't been eating right and I need to fix that.  No more crap.  Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety.  And of course having my hormone levels checked.  Tuesday is my lining check.  I'm praying that it's all goes well.  

Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.