Insensitive people...

It's not always what people say but how they say it that makes it seem insensitive and judgemental.   I have a hard time listening to someone when they say "adoption is the answer to my infertility".  Why is adoption only for the infertile?  If they believe in adoption why didn't THEY adopt?  WHY?  Or someone really young that knows nothing of our financial struggles or fertility issues saying I should just adopt.  The truth is that I used to have full infertility coverage and it was the only reason we were able to even try.  Adoption was so out of our reach at that point and it still is.  Aviation hasn't been good to J and I've also had my struggles with jobs in Chicago.  It's just cheaper to use egg donation.  Also, I'm not sure I want to deal with a third party examining my life, my choices, finances, home, etc.  Who are they to say if we would make good parents.  Who interviews the drug addict crack head before they get pregnant.  The whole thing really gets me down.  What I would give to just make a baby the old fashioned way.  I know that ship has sailed and I've accepted that.  What I won't accept is someone judging me when they haven't walked in my shoes.

Vacation is over...

This week went by quick.  Usually does when you don't have to go to work.  I had hoped to accomplish deep cleaning the house this week but I didn't do it.  What I did do was wallow in some self pity, try to come up with a savings plan so we can have our baby next year and work on getting back to the gym.  I did great with the gym but it was counteracted by the junk food I wound up eating.  I'm trying to stop the self pity.  It won't get me my baby any faster and it feels self destructive.  Hoping to drop an additional 20 lbs by this time next year.  It can only help me in the long run.  Plus, it gives me something to concentrate on other than TTC.  I'm tired of the set backs and failures but I need to believe I will bring home our baby someday. 

Hitting an all time low...

I'm hoping to get out of this funk.  I'm feeling so depressed and sad not to mention having on and off headaches this past week.  I'm hoping it's my body readjusting to my normal hormones.  I've had it before which is why I noticed.  I'm trying really hard to avoid the Excedrin Migraine for the rest of the day.  I took one yesterday and it was so hard to get to sleep last night.   I just want to feel normal again.  It probably doesn't help that I keep thinking about the finances for another round of this rollarcoaster.  I want to do it now but I know that's not possible.  We'll need at least half the money and that could take a year.  I'm trying to figure out how to make extra money without killing myself.  Maybe that's not possible.  Maybe nothing is possible anymore. 

WTF appointment coming up....

It's been a tough week but I managed to get through it.  I emailed my nurse on Monday with a list of questions.  She said she wanted to make us an appointment to talk to the Dr and she'd give him the questions.  So by Tuesday I had a confirmed phone call appt for next Monday but to my surprise the Dr called me at work that day.  He wanted to say how sorry he was that it turned out neg and kept saying that I didn't do anything wrong and nothing is wrong with me or J.  I wish I could have talked freely but words like sperm and donor eggs catch the attention of my co-workers.  I'm not sure my Dr understood my discomfort at talking to him at that moment.  Plus, I've been a bit emotional about it.  I'm not an open book at work about my fertility issues.  Anyway, it was really nice of him to call and say that.  I just cringe thinking of the money we need to come up with if we do this again.  We are going to keep trying, but it looks like it will take at least another year to save up enough money to do it.  I think J was really excited about it this time too.  He told his Dad about it and seemed to be as disappointed as me.  Well, maybe not as much as me.  Hormones.  I wonder if he was more disappointed this time since he was more involved.  He was in the room with me during the transfer this time.  I also think we were both thinking this was the magic bullet and I would be pregnant.  Anyway, we'll talk to the Dr on Monday and see what he says. 

Why me....

Well the results were just as I had thought.  Not pregnant.  I feel so broken right now.  I gave up my genetics so I can get pregnant and it still didn't work.  I was able to get a hold of the oncall nurse yesterday morning.  She was able to track down the results.  Since I already had that gut feeling that it was negative anyway, I just didn't want to take any more meds.  Now, I'm having the severe backache and cramps that even advil won't stop.  Plus, I'm feeling very emotional.  I just don't understand why I can't get pregnant. I have questions for the RE.  Can it be J's sperm or could it be me?  I looked at a former analaysis that said fair to poor sperm DNA fragmentation.  When I questioned it the coordinator said "well just use ICSI".  It seems that's the answer to everything.  That was the previous clinic's analaysis.  Or is my body rejecting the embryos for some reason?  I guess I'll talk to my nurse and RE soon to figure this out.  We need answers and if we need to use donor embryos we're ready to do that. 

Stress, stress and yet, more stress.....

OK. I just need to rant.  I believe this cycle is a bust.  I believe I'm NOT pregnant.  I've taken many HPT's and all are negative.  I went for a blood test at my monitoring facility at 7:30AM.  Paid them, left for work.  I worked half a day so I wouldn't be at work when I got the call.  I just wanted to grieve in private.  Anyway, at around 1:20 I get a call from the monitoring facility and they lost my vial of blood.  I still can't believe it.  They lost a vial of blood and wanted me to come back and do it again.  So I went.  I really wanted to know today so I can stop taking medications that aren't necessary.  They don't make me feel very good.  Anyway, they assured me that they would get the results today.  Well, no phone call from SC and my nurse was off today to boot.  By the time I called SC it was after 5PM and I guess that's the end of the day for them.  So I still don't know if I'm preg or not.  I better hear from the tomorrow before I have to take meds or I'm calling them.  If I don't hear from them or they didn't get the results, I'm going straight to the monitoring facility and getting the results from them.  I'm just so fed up, angry, upset, emotional right now.  AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW DAMNIT!