Changes.....

Well, here I am thinking I have 2 more IVF tries only to find out today my company was sold to another company.  Benefits to be determined within the next few weeks.  My hopes have been dashed away.  We've only been lucky enough to do IVF because of my health benefits.  Not all companies have fertility coverage.  As a matter of fact, this is the first one I ever worked for that had these benefits.  I've spent the day in a fog.  Walking around and trying not to focus on the inevitable.  I made it to the car at around 5:30 and basically cried all the way home and all night so far.  I feel drained.  J doesn't understand.  The last five years have been difficult.  We basically lost everything and we're still working to build it back up.  Except age doesn't wait. Saving the money will take at least a year that I don't have.  I know he wants things to work out but I am feeling so alone right now.  I want to know why things are so difficult for us.  What did I do wrong to deserve this.  I feel like I am being punished.  I am losing my will to go on like this.  The only reason I've stayed with this company is because of my desire to have a family and now I feel like it will never happen.  That I'm destined to live a life without children.  I have a big black hole in me that will never be filled.  I'll never hear the words "I love you mom."  It's painful right now to have to face this.  I feel like my youth is over and all I have left to look forward to is death.