Start of 2013

This is the second week of 2013 and I'm not sure it's starting out well. J hurt is neck…I think. Anyway, he's in a lot of pain and can't get comfortable at night to even go to sleep. He's finally going to the doctor today so hopefully they can do something for him. I printed out all the information on ESL (Extended Sick Leave) so we know what to do. He's been freaking out over the loss of pay and the fact that he recently rented a shop. We have a lease for six months so that is what he is worried about among other things. I think everything will be fine. ESL will pay you 60% of your salary. I guess we'll see what the doctor says but I'm hoping it's just a few weeks of physical therapy and back to work. Pray, pray. I know he's been crazy worried because I'm trying to save money for our next treatment and he doesn't want to take any of that savings from me. He stresses too much. I stress too but more out of frustration than anything else. I've already resided to the fact that we'll have to wait till at least next January to do another treatment. I'm hoping both of us can get a $2500 FSA which will give us a tax free/interest free loan for 2014. That along with our savings and 401K loan will give us most of the money we need for a cycle. I just need to keep focusing on that to get me through this year. I'm also hoping to get a loan by then too. We'll see. I'm very satisfied with my savings plan and paying down our debts. It's nice to have some of that taken care of. I think it will help our credit scores tremendously and we should be able to get a loan based on that. One thing I have to start doing again is getting healthy. I was doing so well in December but can't seem to get in the groove of things again. I have a goal of losing about 20 more pounds by summer. I think it will help keep my blood sugar in check plus, I really like how J has been acting around me. He said my legs look like Ferrari's. I'd say that was a very nice compliment and should give me incentive to keep it up.
This week also has a sad memory for me. Two years ago on Jan 10^th, we had to put our sweet Yeager to sleep. I still miss him and wish he could've lived forever. I have two other cats but neither of them have the temperament that Yeager did. I was his peeps and he always tried to make me happy. It was like he was afraid of disappointing me or something. Even when he was terminally ill, he would purr and snuggle with us. And we both still miss him.

Goodbye 2012....

2012 was not my best year.   Unfortunately, it was filled with stress, anxiety and disappointment for me.  I'm glad it's over and I'm welcoming 2013 in with open arms.  Not saying all my dreams will come true in 2013 but we have a plan of action and that is all I can hope for.  The rest is in God's hands.  Hope everyone had a wonderful New Years and may all your dreams come true in 2013

More about the holidays...

Well, it's Christmas Day and I'm here alone with my cats.  I'm ok with that.  At least for now I am.  I had dreamed that this year would be so different for us.  I dreamed that we would celebrating a new life in the making but that's not the case right now.  Perhaps thats a hope for next year.  J is supposed to come home today.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.  Yesterday we discussed what we woud be having for dinner since everything will be closed by the time he comes home.  Steak and clams was the choice.  Not a traditional Christmas dinner but what does a jewish girl from NY know about that anyway.  It's always so quiet here on Christmas.  I have noticed that.  Families are together, celebrating and enjoying the special moments.  I hope we have that someday.  Right now it's just a day off to me.  Perhaps next year will bring me my desires and hopes.  I've been TTC for so long now that it has consumed me and my life.  It's all I think about and I need to change that or it will eventually destroy me.  I need to hope for the future but it can't be healthy to think of nothing but the baby I don't have and how empty I feel all the time.  I watch junk TV to escape my real life instead of living it.  This is a time for change.  I'm not sure what those changes are yet but as of this moment, it's just one day at a time. 

Conversations...

I got a surprise call from my best friend today.  She seems the same as usual.  I'm starting to see that she is very depressed and doesn't love herself at all.  She puts up with her BF's crap because she thinks that's all she has left.  I wish she would just start taking care of herself and she'll see things can be different.  Our conversation seemed very stained.  I offered her suggestions but she shot them all down.  It just doesn't sound like things are going well for her right now.  I know how she feels but I still try to have hope for the future.  She asked my about my fertility stuff but I don't really want to talk to her about it.  She had once implied that using a donor would mean the baby isn't really mine. Then she went ahead and started her own fertility quest.  I now know she was jealous.  Plus when she was evaluated they told her she should have a surrogate.  She didn't tell me why but I figured out it was because of her health.  They wouldn't intentionally get someone pregnant that wasn't healthy enough to carry a pregnancy.  Anyway, it was a difficult conversation. She seems so angry at everything.  Her boyfriend, school, her weight.  I remember what J said to me about her and that I should pray for her and that's what I'm going to do.

Holidays and resolutions....

I guess this year I thought we'd have something to celebrate.  Sadly that's not the case.  I usually make a holiday card but I wasn't really in the mood.  J begged me to make one though.  He said his family looks forward to getting them every year so I made one this weekend.  Here is a picture of it.

It was a simple card and easy to do and I didn't need to buy any supplies to make them.  Not my best but not the worst either.  Every year, I say I'm going to make 5 unique cards a month and this way, by the time the holidays arrive, I'll have more than enough cards to send out with any stress.  The problem is that I've been preoccupied with other things and I think it's time to enjoy myself as much as possible next year.  I've been going to the gym and working on getting myself healthy again.  I've commited to going to the gym 4 days a week and so far, it's been going well.  My goal is to lose another 15 to 20 lbs by summer time.  I know I can do it even though I live with an enabler.  Another goal is to visit my friend in Florida early next year.  I don't have to much money to spend but I think I can swing a long weekend to visit an old friend.  Might even do me some good as well as her.  I need things to look forward to and this is one of those things.  We also plan to go visit J's family in January on his vacation.  I kind of insisted on it especially since it's been a while since we've seen everyone and I know we will have a wonderful time.  Actually, I'm pretty excited about the visit.  It's giving me something to smile about.

Trying to get by....

This has been a hard year.  I remember the end of last year and the hope I had with my dreams of a family.  Now, a year later, filled with more disappointments, I'm back right where I started.  And I still have to wait another year.  Going through bankruptcy was so hard and it's affected us now for over 4 years.  Don't get me wrong, bankruptcy shouldn't be easy and we didn't do it just because we decided to buy a bunch of things and not have to pay for them.  We were trying to survive.  We had to use our credit to pay for our groceries.  If we had known J wouldn't be able to get a job making at least close to what he was making originally, then we would have done the bankruptcy even sooner.  There was really no way out of that situation with the amount of money we owed.  But now, we are trying to have a baby and we need a loan and it's just taking forever.  I don't even want a loan.  I don't want to have to pay to have a baby.  I'm feeling so frustrated and no matter how I do the math, it comes out the same.  It will take us a year or longer to save enough for another cycle and that is with the hope we can get a small loan by then.  Infertility is so expensive and it's so unfair.  My heart aches to be a mom.  I'm trying not to talk about it with people except J.  I'm trying to come up with ideas on selling things on ebay to help add to my savings.  I know J wants to help and he's hoping this new business venture he's come through.  I hope so.  I really want to do this by next year the latest but I'm torn with the guarantee program.  To do that, it will take us a bit longer to save the money but if J's sperm is an issue then we can get the money back if we don't bring home a baby after three tries.  I'm just so tired of watching the years go by and seeing my friends families grow up.  It's hard not to feel alone and sad lately.