Benign....

That moment I had sheer relief and exhaustion come over me.  I almost started to cry on the phone.  I know at such an early stage my recovery wouldn't be a concern.  It was knowing that a diagnosis of cancer would put our plans for a baby on hold and probably end that dream altogether because of my age.  I just wasn't ready to let go of that dream.  We are ready to move past this bump in the road and on to the next step.  Slower than I had hoped but we'll get there. 

Trying to keep up...

One minute he's protesting the other he's back on track.  J called this morning and changed him mind. He pointed out that so far he's been treated fairly so he was going to see how it went with the check ride for his partner.  He called later and said everything went well.  I just can't keep up with him.  I just want him done with this training and back on the line.  And I would like him home for a few days.  I want to feel secure that we are still on track with quest for a baby.  I've been on this road for so many years.  And I guess I just want to know that he's on this road with me.  

Better times coming....

Things have greatly improved with J and me.  I'm finally seeing the man I married again and I'm so happy.  I'm also hoping we can apply for a fertility loan in April/May.  I've been tracking our finances and credit report and things are starting to look up with that.  I really want to get this show on the road already.  I've been patient but now it's time for action.  The loan amount will determine when we move forward.  I'm really hoping to afford the money back program.  I just don't want to throw money away on this and I'm still concerned about J's sperm.  This program will give us the best odds of giving us our "take home baby". Springtime here we come. :)

Beginning of 2014...

My sister calls me daily with updates on my Dad.  He is in end stage dementia.  They are going to put a feeding tube in because he can't swallow anymore. I believe that's because of the Parkinson's and not the dementia.  Anyway, other than the feeding tube, nothing heroic will be done.   We'll visit him in a nursing home till he finally passes on.   I just don't want him to be in any pain or discomfort.  He deserves to feel comfortable at this point in his life.

I'm trying to be patient on the baby front.  I'm hoping  to see what we qualify for in a medical loan.  I want to get this show on the road or at least know what we need to do to get there.  I'm not sure what we'll qualify for but we should qualify for something.  I've been very careful.  I've paid down almost all the credit cards. Our income to debt has improved and we've been extended more credit for our current cards which looks good too.  I was hoping to do this in December but I didn't want to do anything till that loan shows paid in full.  I feel like time is ticking away and it's so painful sometimes.  I've worked at my company for almost 8 years and I've seen people get married, have child after child, growing their families. And my family has just been J and I and our cats.  I'm so tired of this waiting game.  I wish our credit didn't stink.  I wish it was 10 years earlier and we had all the credit cards we needed to do this.  Maybe this is for the best but I can't see that now.  I feel stress and anxiety all the time.  I'm trying to relax but it's so hard to do.  Luckily I have my cats which give lots of snuggles.  

Thanksgiving week....

J left today for training.  It's only tomorrow but then he has a trip from Wed-Sat this week.  Working straight through Thanksgiving this year.  In fact, he'll be in Montreal for his overnight.  He's actually happy about that since Canada's Thanksgiving was back in October.  Means he'll be able to get dinner somewhere without worrying if anything will be open for the holiday.  Anyway, I have plans for lunch tomorrow, plus, I might bring the car in for a oil change.  I know, not very exciting but it needs to be done.  I'm also very excited because by mid December, I'll have only one credit card left to pay down and then I can apply for that loan. I'm praying we can get the financing we need for what we want.  It's a long shot but I have to try.  I really want 2014 to be the year I bring home a baby.  2013 is almost over and I'm so glad.  These last few years have been really hard on me and J.  We need something to turn around for us.  He keeps saying he's going to get his applications out.  He told me this CA he flew with scolded him.  Maybe that's what he needs.  For someone else to do the nagging.  She couldn't believe he hasn't done anything yet.  Anywhere he goes, he'll make more money from the get-go.  I just hope he's serious when he tells me he's ready.

Anyway, J will be home this Saturday so we are going to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday night. Or Sunday.  We'll play it by ear.  I can make stuff ahead of time so it won't be too taxing on Saturday.  We decided to save some money so I drove him to the airport today and will have to pick him up on Saturday. But it will be nice to have some sort of holiday dinner planned even if it's not Thursday.   I've learned to be a flexible pilots wife.  

And he wants to be a dad...

These last few weeks have been difficult.  My computer had a malfunction that I wasn't able to fix and I was upset thinking that I would need to spend money on a new one. I got lucky though. A friend gave me their old computer so I'm back.  I didn't realize how dependent I was on my computer until it was missing from my life. It's taken a week to get back in the groove and set up everything the way I want it but I"m finally there.  Anyway, J has been upsetting me lately.  I feel like he's been so self destructive lately.  I had finally had it and pushed him. So we had a long talk on Wednesday and I found out that he really wants to be a dad.  That it bothers him to hear others talk about children.  That he doesn't just want to play with our cats but play with our children.  He cried and I cried.  He has never really told me that and I really needed to hear it.  I've felt like I've been trying to get everything together all by myself.  I've been doing all the research.  I've been trying to set up a savings account.  I needed to know he wants the same thing that I want.  And now I do.  

Picking myself up....

This week has been a bit better than last week.  J is still home but he is working on a project while he heals his neck.  We're both hoping that he'll be able to go back to work very soon.  We really need the money and right now, I have to pay the rent on his storage till March which means I don't get to save anything and things will be fairly tight the next few months.  But as soon as he can, I'm getting that money back from him.  I'm hoping sometime in May.  If I read it correctly, his company is supposed to exit bankruptcy in May and their should be a payout to the pilots.  Unless they meant May 2014 but it didn't have a year listed only the month so I'm hopeful.  Anyway, I'm working on getting back into a routine of working out.  So far, I've been able to kick the junk food habit at work.  I was getting back into bad habits from the holidays.  I have gained a few pounds but hopefully, that will come off now that I'm being more careful.  I'm trying to keep busy and be more social.  I think it will help me mentally if I have things to do and keep me from focusing on baby baby baby all the time. 

This weekend will be a challenge for me.  J has someone coming over next week and I need to straighten up the house.  This may sound like a small project but it's not.  The baby thing has consummed my life and everything has taken a back seat including keeping the house tidy.  So basically, it's a disaster.  I have mail, papers, junk everywhere and the easiest thing to do is hide it in drawers when people come over but I really need to tackle that. Having a somewhat tidy house is important to me and I'm ashamed that I let it go for so long.  Hopefully, when I write next week, I'll have made progress on that.

Vacation is over...

This week went by quick.  Usually does when you don't have to go to work.  I had hoped to accomplish deep cleaning the house this week but I didn't do it.  What I did do was wallow in some self pity, try to come up with a savings plan so we can have our baby next year and work on getting back to the gym.  I did great with the gym but it was counteracted by the junk food I wound up eating.  I'm trying to stop the self pity.  It won't get me my baby any faster and it feels self destructive.  Hoping to drop an additional 20 lbs by this time next year.  It can only help me in the long run.  Plus, it gives me something to concentrate on other than TTC.  I'm tired of the set backs and failures but I need to believe I will bring home our baby someday. 

Jealousies....

This weekend I went to a friends baby shower.  She is having her third baby and this time it's a girl.  I wish that it were me.  I don't feel anger or pissed off at her for being able to do something naturally that my body won't do.  I think if it were my BF I might feel differently.  She wasn't even interested in having a baby till I mentioned what I was going through.  Then she basically said that a donor baby wouldn't be my biological child.  She said other crazy off the wall nonsense that basically hurt my feelings.  Then a few months later, she tells me she's going through fertility testing.  Imagine that.  Hearing that made my blood boil.  I guess she was having some jealousies.  Well, I really enjoyed the baby shower.   I don't do a lot of socializing so it was a change of pace for me.  Luckily the weather cooperated.  Anyway, my time will come very soon.