Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Plans are set...

I have my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I decided that it would be better to have my RE do it.  I just don't trust my GYN anymore.  I feel like she was covering her ass when she said it was a polyp.  I have a feeling it could be both.  This whole week has been spent bleeding.  Now my thyroid is out of whack as well.  It's going overactive and I feel miserable lately.  Why can't anything go right lately.  Hoping that once I have the hysteroscopy I can move forward even if my thyroid is out of whack.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  I'm just so sick of waiting.

Feeling defeated....

I feel like I made one bad decision and now it's going to haunt me.  It took 8 weeks for my HCG to go down to 2.  My RE wanted me to have another sonohystogram to make sure no placental tissue was left behind.  I was really hoping nothing would be found but of course there is either a polyp or placental tissue in my uterus.  Radiologist will determine.  It means surgery either way.  Also explains why I'm still spotting off and on .  If we had done this in August, maybe there wouldn't be anything in my uterus right now and the insurance would have paid it in full. Since J is on LTD we had to sign up with my company insurance and my oop max is 5k.  I guess I'll wait and see what it is first.  But I know it's going to be costly.  My only other option is to travel to my RE and have him do it.  I know it won't cost as much.  I'm just kicking myself for not getting the D&C back in July/Aug.  It would have been over with and I could have been cycling again.  Instead I'm dealing with it now.

Finally have a plan....

Everything looks good.  My doctor recommends waiting it out which means I go for a blood test every Thursday till my HCG is zero.  She thinks it could take 2-3 weeks but I'll get there. My HCG is currently 855.  It was 1844 on 7/6 so it is going down.   I'm really hoping that everything is back to normal by August so maybe in September, I can do another transfer.  I've also decided to move towards getting an insulin pump.  I'm not saying the nurse I spoke with is right but she said my high blood sugar could have caused a miscarriage.  I wasn't that high.  I don't think I even hit 200.  She said even 150 could cause it.  Maybe a pump will give me more control and since I hit my out of pocket max, it shouldn't cost me anything. 

Finally being cared for...

Well, after countless calls, messages left, no returned phone calls, I finally got a call that my doctor wanted to see me today.  Somehow I thought that would happen.  She didn't get the full story from the nurse (surprise)  and thought I was going to be making an appointment.  Apparently, the only information my doctor got was the letter from my RE.  Nothing about me calling.  The nurse is the one who requested the letter from my doctor.  Anyway, I explained everything that was going on. She gave me an exam, pregnancy urine test which came back positive, blood test to see if my HCG is going down and an ultrasound and a hug.  Hopefully, I'll find out everything tomorrow.  She said if HCG is going down and uterus looks almost clear then I could take a medication called Cytotec that would cause contractions and expel what's left.  Otherwise, I'll have to have a D&C to take care of this.  I'm so ready to move on.  And I'm so glad I have the doctor I have.

Abandoned...

So my HCG is still high.  At least it was as of Monday.  My Dr called me on Tuesday AM to let me know and also to tell me he thinks I need a D&C at this point.  Of course I was so flustered at the thought.  He offered to write a letter to my GYN explaining everything.  I told him I would call her and talk to the nurse.  I called my GYN and spoke to the nurse explaining everything.  She said I should get a letter from my RE so I sent an email with the fax number and to who it goes to.  They sent it on Tuesday night.  I called the nurse again and she said she didn't get the letter.  So I asked my RE office to send it again.  By the time my GYN office got it the Dr had gone home for the day.  So she said she'd give it to her on Thursday at 2PM when she came in.  I didn't hear from them so I called later that day only to find out they were closed.  I tried again this morning at 8:30 am and left another message.  At 1:30 I called again and left another message.  This time I said "if the Dr. doesn't want to treat me then just call and let me know".  I got a voicemail at 2:15 saying the Dr has all the info and will review it in between patients and I'll hear from her on Monday.  I'm still very upset and I'm hoping they don't let me down on Monday.  I can't imagine the letter was that long that she couldn't read it within 15 minutes.  She no medical information other than that and me.  And she hasn't seen me yet.  I just wanted to know that I'll be taken care of by my Dr and yet I still know nothing.  

Trying to figure out next steps...

My nurse called me this morning.  HCG is in the 2000's.  She sent me another order for another blood test.  Hoping the levels are going down otherwise I'll probably have to have a D&C.  She said that's why I'm still bleeding.  So tired of all of this.  I just want all of this to be over so I can move on.