Worried and frustrated...

It's already March.  Third month of the year and I had hoped to have already applied for a loan.  I'm really getting worried that this year will be another difficult one with trying to pay down the credit cards again.  Just when I feel like I'm ahead everything goes south.  Part of it is J.  He doesn't make enough money and he hates his job.  He hates it so much he calls in sick whenever he can.  Which now he can't anymore.  He got a notice the last time about his excessive absences.  Anyway, as a result of his crappy paychecks, he doesn't contribute anything to paying down the bills.  But he does add to them which is infuriating right now.  I paid down 400 and he just charged 300.  He better makes some changes soon because this isn't going to work if I can't see the cards go down.  We'll never pay them down and I know we make enough to do that.  Just getting frustrated and feeling anxiety about it.  This year can't go by without us doing anything.  I'm getting to the breaking point.  I have patience.  A lot of it but this is getting out of hand.  Sometimes I feel like I take a back seat to everything.  I'm going to apply either way by May.  I wanted the cards to be paid down but I need to move already no matter what.  For my own sake I need to try. 

Confidence....

For the last few years, J has been unhappy with his job situation.  The unfortunate part is that he hasn't really hasn't done anything about it but complain and call in sick.  There have been many opportunities for him to try and apply but he never does.  He'll say he's going to then he doesn't and then later tells me his reasons why.  The situation at work has gotten pretty bad.  His pay has been reduced and now, even though the new rest rules are in place, he's still flying crazy schedules and this month he only has 12 days off and that's after 7 years at this place. It's obvious to me that he'll never move up and his pay will never change.  I'm just not sure how to help him with this anymore.  I know it's because his confidence is low.  I'm worried that can screw up his chances if he does go on an interview.  I really think the best way is for an interview prep course. They're expensive but I think it will be necessary if he's ever to get a new job.  My concern is that what if he doesn't get the next job.  He still refers to how he didn't get that job seven years ago and that means no one will hire him.  I pointed out how crazy that sounds because people can't get every job they interview for.  It's a fact of life.  I just don't know how to deal with someone who brings up a job interview from that many years ago.  Yesterday, he called and said he wants to get an application in for a company and he needs to do it soon.  Some pilots he ran into said the company is going to stop hiring in April till the fall.  So now he's all hyped to do it.  Let's hope he does.

Struggles...

Lately, J has been having struggles.  He wants to change but hasn't been able to figure out how to do it.  His struggles have been affecting me. Affecting us.  I don't feel like we'll ever have a normal life and it scares me.  I don't want to think I've wasted my life with this man who has promised me that he'll change over and over again.  We are almost married 16 years and I feel like I'm listening to a broken record over and over again.  I want to support him but right now I feel lost on how to do that.  I feel the struggle when he is home and resentment when he is away.  When he is away, he is the man I want.  When he is home he is someone else.  And it saddens me.    

Two steps forward, three steps back...

I feel like that's the story of my life for the past 5 years.  Finally got the credit cards down and our Nissan needed work.  It was necessary and in the end I'm grateful we had credit available to take care of it.  I wasn't prepared for a $1000 worth of fixes.  Car had a sensor that went bad and needed to be replaced.  In addition to that it desperately needed brakes and tires.  J has been driving that car to Detroit when it's not possible to fly and he needed to leave today.  He would normally just change the brakes himself but the weather has been crappy all week long and doesn't look like it will get better in the next week either.  Plus, I really think Firestone gave a good deal overall and now J is driving and I feel he is safe. I remember a time when maintaining a car was impossible for us.  We didn't have enough money or credit to pay for anything other than gas, food and whatever bills we had.  I remember this lady I worked with saying, that it cost more to fix later if a tire blows or brakes fail but that doesn't make money magically appear to fix what's broke.  I truly despised her for saying that to me.  I guess it's because she didn't really understand what we were going through.  For three years we struggled paycheck to paycheck, never knowing what was going to go wrong with the car or the house.  I remember when our sump pump failed.  I was fortunate that my paycheck was actually available that Saturday even though payday was Monday.  And even more fortunate that I was able to get a friends husband to put it in for me.  J was away and our basement was flooding.  Those days are gone now and I'm grateful.  I think we stand a good chance at getting a fertility loan but I don't want to jump the gun and wind up not getting one.  Patience, patience, patience.  

Treadmill on the way...

J and I decided sometime in Nov that it would be beneficial to get a treadmill.  I've struggled with going to the gym just for the treadmill and the weather here just sucks.  I never want to brave the elements to do a 30 minute run.  Well, starting on Tuesday, I won't have to worry about that anymore.  We went ahead and purchased a treadmill and it will be delivered and put together at our home on Tuesday.  It was expensive but I've cancelled my gym membership and J and I can both use it.  That makes me very excited that he'll be using it too.  Mostly me though.  I'm hoping this will help with all the blood sugar issues I've been having. Maybe with consistent exercise my A1C will improve before my Doctor appointment in March.  

On the IVF front, I still haven't applied for a medical loan yet.  I'm still waiting for a loan to show paid on my credit report.  I thought it would have shown up paid by now but it looks like next week sometime it will show up.  I'm on pins and needles right now.  I'm always going through financing figures over and over again.  I'm always trying to see how much I can save on my own.  I know we'll need to have some money saved.  I guess the problem is that I want to apply for the loan now but know that it's not in our best interest to do that quite yet.  But the urge is still there all the time.  I want to get this show on the road and I want it to be this year.  I'm so anxious lately.  I pray to G-d every day that he will show me the way.   

Beginning of 2014...

My sister calls me daily with updates on my Dad.  He is in end stage dementia.  They are going to put a feeding tube in because he can't swallow anymore. I believe that's because of the Parkinson's and not the dementia.  Anyway, other than the feeding tube, nothing heroic will be done.   We'll visit him in a nursing home till he finally passes on.   I just don't want him to be in any pain or discomfort.  He deserves to feel comfortable at this point in his life.

I'm trying to be patient on the baby front.  I'm hoping  to see what we qualify for in a medical loan.  I want to get this show on the road or at least know what we need to do to get there.  I'm not sure what we'll qualify for but we should qualify for something.  I've been very careful.  I've paid down almost all the credit cards. Our income to debt has improved and we've been extended more credit for our current cards which looks good too.  I was hoping to do this in December but I didn't want to do anything till that loan shows paid in full.  I feel like time is ticking away and it's so painful sometimes.  I've worked at my company for almost 8 years and I've seen people get married, have child after child, growing their families. And my family has just been J and I and our cats.  I'm so tired of this waiting game.  I wish our credit didn't stink.  I wish it was 10 years earlier and we had all the credit cards we needed to do this.  Maybe this is for the best but I can't see that now.  I feel stress and anxiety all the time.  I'm trying to relax but it's so hard to do.  Luckily I have my cats which give lots of snuggles.