A Happy New Years Eve...

Well, this year has been rather crappy.  Last Thursday, my Dad collapsed and my sisters called the ambulance.  He was severely dehydrated and had an infection in his gut.  My plan was to go visit in January. On my way home from work, I spoke with my sister.  He had a tube in his throat but was stable.  When I got home, J was making us dinner and I was enjoying a glass of wine,.  Much needed since I was a wreck not knowing how my Dad was.  Anyway, I got another call from my sister and apparently my Dad's blood pressure dropped drastically and his heart rate went down to 30.  Hospital called and wanted to know if they should resuscitate.  She didn't think he'd make it through the night.  When I got home from work, J was insisting that we go to NY the next day.  My supervisor is on vacation and I was in charge while she was out but J was right and after that call, I was convinced I was going to a funeral.  The next day we threw stuff into suitcases, listed ourselves on the flight, reserved a car rental and hotel.  We got to the hospital at 8:30 PM and my Dad was still with us.  The PA explained what resuscitation meant and I spoke to my sister about it.  She spoke to my Mom and a DNR was signed.  My Dad had tubes going down his throat and looked  just so awful.  He didn't really wake up that night.  It was hard not to cry in there but I didn't want to risk him hearing me cry.  Just in case.  The nurses kept reiterating how sick he was.  The next day he opened his eyes and looked around. Then the Dr's asked us about putting in a tr-ache.  In the end we decided that wouldn't be an option.  Right now, he is breathing on his own and tomorrow he is being moved to a regular room.  But if he gets very sick again, they are only going to give him morphine to make him comfortable and let nature takes it course.  Right now he is on the mend but they think in the future he will aspirate saliva into his lungs and wind up with pneumonia.  Maybe not today or tomorrow but sometime in the future.  I'm glad we didn't have to plan my Dad's funeral but now we are looking for nursing homes for him.  Not that losing him in the future will be any less painful but not realizing how sick he was and how close to death he was puts everything in perspective.  I remember when my cousins died.  My Mom called me and said someone had died.  I remember thinking, my Aunt or Uncle but not my cousins.  They were only 50.  And it was a freak accident to boot.  I remember how devastating it felt.  And this felt the same way.  I am grateful that I had the chance to see my Dad.  That he looked at me today and even though he is still so sick, I saw a glimpse of the cocky look I used to get from my Dad.  Just for that split second, it was my Dad in there.  He knew who I was.  As difficult as 2013 has been, today, on the last day of the year, my Dad looked at me and knew me. That made 2013 the best year ever.

Happy New Year!! 

Goodbye 2013...Hello 2014

Daddy....

This isn't a post about starting a family today.  Its about my Daddy.  He's had Parkinson's since I've been in my 20's.  He was ok back then.  In the last few years my mom has told me that he's not doing too well.  I hadn't visited in 5 years so I made the visit to see my family 2 years ago.  I went again last year and I told my sister that J and I will be coming to visit in January.  I just want to see him while I know he still knows who I am.  They are thinking he has dementia.  My sister and mom have to stay in the basement with him all night.  He has gotten violent.  Kicking and hitting.  I just don't understand why they have to wait till January.  Can't they get to see the doctor sooner?  My family is always accepting of things.  They don't empower themselves to fight for better.  It's always the same comments "that's how it is".  My feeling is that they should argue a little.  Call everyday and see if there are any cancellations and see if he can come in sooner.  This could be the difference between my Dad knowing what's going on and not.  It's important. And I hate they my family is all accepting of everything.  "It is how it is".  A phrase I've heard my whole life from my family.  I don't want to think like that. My life, growing up in the Bronx, is a lifetime away for me.  My life is completely different.  I grew up in an apartment building 26 stories high.  Our one car was located in a garage across a green-way.  Buses and subways were my transportation for the most part.  Even when I was living on my own, I used buses and subways to get around.  I was used to it and didn't know any different.  Now I do.  I live in a house and have a car to get around. I have a freedom I didn't understand living in NY.   That apartment in the Bronx that I lived in for 20 years is now a becoming a distant memory.  My parents don't even live there anymore.  All my friends and their families have moved as well.  But in my Daddy's head, he is stuck in that world and I'm afraid if I wait till the summer, he won't know me anymore.  

End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

This week is flying by...

No pun intended.  I'm trying to really hard to keep my promise to myself and clean this house up.  Today, I worked on the bathroom.  I changed the storm door and I've managed to clean the drip pans on the stove and now they are sparkling again.  I was going to try to move the bow-flex downstairs myself but it's way too heavy for me to move.  I also cancelled my gym membership.  The plan is to trade the bow-flex (which I don't use) with a treadmill (which I will use). I probably won't get much for the bow-flex but if I can get someone to remove it from my house and put together a treadmill that J and I will both use, it will be worth the hassle.  Plus, it will make more room upstairs for us.  I just hate travelling to the gym in this nasty very cold weather here in Chicago and I haven't been going.  So instead of spending money on the gym I don't use anyway, I've opted to get the treadmill.  In fact, I only use the treadmill and elliptical at the gym anyway.   Also, I've been doing a lot of reading and 30 minutes everyday on the treadmill can help bring down my blood sugars.  I recently read that type 2 is not just for the obese and lazy.  A lot of women are now getting the disease and they are thin.  I'm not exactly thin but I'm not obese either.  I've lost about eight lbs since September but my blood sugar is still high.  Not as high as it was a few months ago but high nonetheless.  I just need to keep on tracking my food and start exercising again. My goal is try to lose another 15 lbs.  I'm not sure I can do it.  It will bring me to the weight I was when I met J eighteen years ago.  It's a goal.  

Thanksgiving week....

J left today for training.  It's only tomorrow but then he has a trip from Wed-Sat this week.  Working straight through Thanksgiving this year.  In fact, he'll be in Montreal for his overnight.  He's actually happy about that since Canada's Thanksgiving was back in October.  Means he'll be able to get dinner somewhere without worrying if anything will be open for the holiday.  Anyway, I have plans for lunch tomorrow, plus, I might bring the car in for a oil change.  I know, not very exciting but it needs to be done.  I'm also very excited because by mid December, I'll have only one credit card left to pay down and then I can apply for that loan. I'm praying we can get the financing we need for what we want.  It's a long shot but I have to try.  I really want 2014 to be the year I bring home a baby.  2013 is almost over and I'm so glad.  These last few years have been really hard on me and J.  We need something to turn around for us.  He keeps saying he's going to get his applications out.  He told me this CA he flew with scolded him.  Maybe that's what he needs.  For someone else to do the nagging.  She couldn't believe he hasn't done anything yet.  Anywhere he goes, he'll make more money from the get-go.  I just hope he's serious when he tells me he's ready.

Anyway, J will be home this Saturday so we are going to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday night. Or Sunday.  We'll play it by ear.  I can make stuff ahead of time so it won't be too taxing on Saturday.  We decided to save some money so I drove him to the airport today and will have to pick him up on Saturday. But it will be nice to have some sort of holiday dinner planned even if it's not Thursday.   I've learned to be a flexible pilots wife.  

Crazy weather...

This weekend was rather scary for me.  J had to leave on Saturday and chose to drive instead of fly to DTW.  Probably a good choice since the weather was really crappy.  On Sunday I still had some errands to do so I chose to make sure I got their when the doors opened to the stores.  I got home around 11:30 and I could see that the storms were coming. I put the TV on while I made and ate some lunch.  I noticed that the satellite was not working.  I realized the storm was getting worse so I looked for local channels.  As soon as I changed the channel to 5, local news was telling me to not wait for the sirens, just seek cover in an interior room as soon as possible.  The news said a tornado was heading in my direction.  It was moving at a rate of 70 mph.  Also, there was more than one.  That first one seemed to have stopped but others were coming.  I had one foot by the basement door ready to bolt down but luckily we just had extreme winds and heavy rains. In the end, Washington, IL got totaled by mother nature.  Coal City and Frankfort (only 40 miles from me) had tornado's spotted and caused much damage.  I think 5 people were confirmed dead too.  It breaks my heart to see the destruction.  In just a matter of minutes your home and maybe even your life could be taken by mother nature. Its especially hard with the holidays starting next week.  I just can't imagine and it makes me appreciate everything I do have.