How do I survive this...

G seems so unhappy these days.  I think she is becoming more aware of the meds and says she doesn't like them and doesn't like how she feels.  She keeps blaming me for making her feel that way.  I'm at a loss.  She's always saying why does she have to go to school when her friend doesn't.  (I really don't know what her friends family does and if they do or don't let their daughter stay home more than G.  She is in Kindergarten and G is in 1st Grade).  She wants to have a little sister and blames that on me too.  I wanted her to have a sibling but J didn't want to move forward.  He wanted so much for my age to be an issue and was so upset the Dr gave me the go ahead to try again.  Reality is, he didn't want another child and I'm being blamed by her for not having another.  I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard when your child blames everything on you at such a young age.  She's not grateful for anything she has and I don't know how to get it through to her about that. With our trip to school today, I came home feeling lost and sad.  I don't know how to feel happy anymore.  

New Year! New House! Settling In...

So surgery for the little one went ok.  It had its ups and downs but in the end, her behavior improved enough to where her teacher noticed.  Then we did our next move into the house from the apartment.  We did this on 12/23 so we can be here on Christmas with G's new bedroom and playroom all set up.  We really have a big house with lots of room right now.  We can't even furnish it all.  The dining room and living rooms are empty.  But we have a full family room and kitchen.  And I have an office again.  Much needed.  G has made a friend and we've had several playdates.  She's a grade higher but that's because of where her birthday is compared to G.  Next we have a treadmill coming at the beginning of February.  J really needs it and I'd like to get some use out of it too.  We're also getting our doctor appointments in now.  Healthcare has really changed since Covid and it's just been hard to find decent care.  But so far, I like my endocrinologist.  I have a physical coming up with a PCP and a Dermatologist as well.  On Monday, I'll make an appt for a GYN.  I want to make sure I get my checkups.  I'm at an age where I need to really make sure I'm ok and if not, knowing sooner rather than later is better.

Anyway, that's my update for January.  Let's have a great new year.  

Nice weekend...

It was such a nice weekend. Giuli and I went shopping. I got her some clothes at Walmart and Target. I just wish I could find her clothes in the garage but I guess we'll have to wait till we move again. Poor girl.  She feels like we got rid of her things. Not true but nonetheless we can't locate them. But we had fun shopping and she bought a new doll with the money she's earned from us. I notice that at least once or twice a week she gets a yellow. But her days have been better than before and she said she has one friend in school. Hoping I can set up a playdate for them. We'll see if it's possible. Tomorrow is her pre-op visit with the ENT. I have some questions for the doctor and we need to figure out when to tell her about the surgery she's going to have. Hoping we can go in the back till she's asleep or given happy juice. Her snoring is hideous and lately, she's been making an odd noise from her throat every once in a while.  Praying this surgery will help my little girl sleep well.

Daddy....

This isn't a post about starting a family today.  Its about my Daddy.  He's had Parkinson's since I've been in my 20's.  He was ok back then.  In the last few years my mom has told me that he's not doing too well.  I hadn't visited in 5 years so I made the visit to see my family 2 years ago.  I went again last year and I told my sister that J and I will be coming to visit in January.  I just want to see him while I know he still knows who I am.  They are thinking he has dementia.  My sister and mom have to stay in the basement with him all night.  He has gotten violent.  Kicking and hitting.  I just don't understand why they have to wait till January.  Can't they get to see the doctor sooner?  My family is always accepting of things.  They don't empower themselves to fight for better.  It's always the same comments "that's how it is".  My feeling is that they should argue a little.  Call everyday and see if there are any cancellations and see if he can come in sooner.  This could be the difference between my Dad knowing what's going on and not.  It's important. And I hate they my family is all accepting of everything.  "It is how it is".  A phrase I've heard my whole life from my family.  I don't want to think like that. My life, growing up in the Bronx, is a lifetime away for me.  My life is completely different.  I grew up in an apartment building 26 stories high.  Our one car was located in a garage across a green-way.  Buses and subways were my transportation for the most part.  Even when I was living on my own, I used buses and subways to get around.  I was used to it and didn't know any different.  Now I do.  I live in a house and have a car to get around. I have a freedom I didn't understand living in NY.   That apartment in the Bronx that I lived in for 20 years is now a becoming a distant memory.  My parents don't even live there anymore.  All my friends and their families have moved as well.  But in my Daddy's head, he is stuck in that world and I'm afraid if I wait till the summer, he won't know me anymore.  

Paranoia???

On Feb 13th it will be my 7 year anniversary at my company.  This last year feels like I'm back in High School.  I feel like some of my co-workers talk behind my back.  IM about me.  It really makes a person feel like crap when that goes on and I'm not sure what to do about it except keep my distance.  Could it be that I'm just paranoid?  I tend to believe that if you feel like people are talking about you behind your back you probably aren't wrong.  I need things to change at work.  Maybe I should just eat at my desk from now on.  Stay away from the culprits.  Even some co-workers that I had thought were my friends but certainly don't act like it.  I guess it's best to just go to work, do my job, go home.  Keep it professional.  Today, I'm feeling emotional and fragile.  I just hope tomorrow is a better day.