Sickness....

Well, I was having a so so week but it ended on a bad note.  I've been getting stabbing pains in my ear on and off and by the end of the week, I was feeling pretty crappy.  Luckily, I was able to get to the doctors and got antibiotics for an ear infection that was starting.  I still feel crappy but hopefully I will start feeling better soon.  While I was waiting for my turn at the pharmacy, I overheard a mother and daughter complaining because the daughters birth control wasn't free this time.  Nice.  Medications that make people better have to be paid for but women can get free birth control. (Obviously not all brands of birth control are free, but you can get it for free if you know which ones are covered)  Nothing pisses me off more than that. Why do people expect everything should be free?  Better yet, why was it put out there by the President that birth control will be free.  Why isn't it all free?  Oh yeah, if it was all free, then we would have even higher taxes to pay for that.  Better yet, why don't I get free infertility treatments?  Seems reasonable to me that if they can give women free birth control to stop pregnancies then they should give free infertility treatments for getting pregnant.  The fact is nothing is free unless you won't work and get food stamps to live off of.  I've worked since I was 13 and haven't stopped yet.  Still working, still contributing to society and still trying to figure out how to save for expensive medical treatments so I can have my family.  I guess I need to learn how to work the system so I can get stuff FREE, FREE, FREE.  Can you tell I'm feeling bitter today?

Fall cleaning, fall eating...

So, I've been working on eating better and today I started back at the gym.  My doctor said I need to count carbs in order to get my blood sugar down.  I'm still only pre-diabetic.  My A1C is 6.1 even though I've had some really high numbers.  My doctor thinks that during the day it must be dropping.  She said no medications unless it goes over 6.5 so my goal is to keep it down with diet and exercise.  However, counting carbs gets old and tiring.  But I managed to drop 3 lbs so far.  I think losing 10 lbs will really make a difference.  One of my co-workers is also on a diet so we're trying to support each other.  She's doing really well and that's inspiring me to do better.  This week is my week on vacation at home, so not only am I going to the gym daily, but I'm working on cleaning out the bedrooms.  I have till Sunday to get 2 full rooms cleaned out and habitable.  It's a challenge but I'm up for it.  

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Expecting the unexpected....

J had to have minor surgery yesterday.  Everything seemed to go fine.  On the way home he started losing it. That's my husband.  He had dry mouth and it was bothering him a lot plus he was going through a nicotine fit and hungry.  So, he got loud and obnoxious about it.  He was trying to eat and he said he couldn't swallow because he was so dry.  So every bite, he slammed his hand down on the counter (kind of like a temper tantrum for an adult). Then we got Biotene from CVS and that didn't help.  He called the number supplied on the discharge papers but when he got voice mail, he slammed the phone down without leaving a message. Anyway, we went to get sour sour gum to see if that would help.  We wound up at the mall and he got his gum.  I got some soup for myself, since I was now getting the shakes from not eating.  Finally, he called the number on the discharge papers and left a message.  They called back within 10 minutes and said he had to wait it out.  It was from the anesthesia and pain medication they gave him.  About an hour later, J realizes he can't pee and he drank 2 bottles of Gatorade after he left the hospital.  So this time he calls the Dr's office and she said he should be OK but to go to the emergency room if he doesn't start peeing and if he's in pain. It can eventually lead to Kidney damage if he doesn't pee.  Anyway, he wound up going but then at 2 AM he woke up unable to pee again.  So we went to the ER.  They gave him these pills (forgot what they are called) to help and so far so good. What we didn't know is that during the surgery they put a catheter in and maybe this is what was causing the problem now.  Anyway, I'm glad that this is over but I am dog tired now.  And I thought he'd be bitching about the pain from the surgery.  Let's hope we don't have to do this again.  

Waiting for tough decisions...

J finally made the decision to scrap his car renovation idea.  I can't tell you how happy that made me today but it also made me sad.  J has put so much into this whole thing.  The goal was to restore a few cars but last year when J decided to do it, we were low on funds.  We were both hoping he could afford to keep this shop open to do the restore but we could never come up with the money.  And since he doesn't handle stress well, he finally agreed to just sell the cars as is and get rid of the shop that's costing us a ton a of money each month.  I feel awful that we couldn't pay down the credit cards the way we wanted but the rent on this shop has been a hardship.  Not to mention that J always takes on too much and can never get everything he wants to get done.  I'm hoping that with this going away, we can save more money each month.  At least that's what I'm hoping on.  

Life just goes on....

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant.  My office is filled with pregnant women, in all shapes and sizes right now.  It's like that year round.  There are even designated parking spots for all the preggers in the office.  I try not to show anyone how jealous I feel inside.  I truly am happy for all the ladies that are pregnant but I still wish it was happening to me too.  I know I will have another chance to try and hopefully it will be at the beginning of next year.  Our funds are running short but I am paying down our credit cards and our credit scores are going up slowly.  Plus, I'm still holding out for that fertility grant.  We'll find out by Oct 15th by email if we were chosen.  Please say a prayer for us.  That grant will help us out tremendously with our quest to parenthood.