Emotional Week...

I am so glad that last week is over.  Apparently I need to have additional testing done.  EKG, Mammogram, Chest xray and A1C.  My nurse said it was because of my age but probably also needed for the money back guarantee program.  I did the mammogram on Saturday and plan to do the EKG and xray next Saturday.  The A1C will be done at my next appointment in December and it should be much lower than 6.8 by now.  Next step is to apply and get that loan.  Praying hard that it all works out.  

 

On another note, I was really pissed off at J this week.  I was feeling so emotional this week and all of the sudden I started getting texts from my MIL announcing the birth of a new baby.  Nothing odd about that, right?  Well, I never even knew J's nephew was having a baby.  I asked J if he knew and he said his Dad told him months ago but not to say anything because J's sister wanted to call everyone and tell them.  However, we got no call and J said he forgot all about it.  Really?  It was a bad moment for me.  I wasn't feeling well Wed/Thursday and that just pushed me over the edge.  I'm very happy for them.  I wish them all well.  But I wish it was my turn already.  This is so hard.  

When the universe is against you...

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Every time I take a step forward, I feel like we take two steps back.  Today I had my sonohystogram done.  And who gets excited for a painful ultrasound?  I do.  J did too.  My Dr said I had a polyp and my lining is thick which is odd.  I'm not sure if the polyp will be a problem but I'm sure I'll find out in the next few days.  Then I finally got my answer from the clinic about the FSA funds.  Only 2 days before open enrollment ends and I get my answer.  I can't use it to pay for the program.  Hopefully I can use it to pay for donor fees but we were counting on using it for that.  So now I'm stressed and upset because I'll have to apply for a bigger loan and I'm worried that we won't qualify now.  We did back in April but we've increased our spending and things are different now.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  How can things go wrong so quickly.  I hope I'm just over reacting but I don't think so.

Summer Blur....

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  I've been battling a lot of medical issues this summer so posting wasn't a priority.  My blood sugar started to go up, up and up.  Turns out that I have Type 1.5 or LADA.  Latent Autoimmune Diabetes for Adults.  I was originally diagnosed with Type 2 back in 2011.  Watching my blood sugar go up made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  I wasn't exercising as much as the doctors had said but my A1C was 5.5 at the beginning of this year without medications.  Just diet and exercise.  So why suddenly was everything changing.  I'm not obese.  I watch what I eat.  I measure my food so I don't eat too much (carbs especially).

I'm glad I found out what's wrong but it's a huge change that will be difficult to adjust to.  I won't just take insulin till I'm better, I'll be taking it for the rest of my life.  I'm also struggling with symptoms of fatigue.  I don't just feel a little tired.  It's an "I can't see straight fatigue and I need to sleep, sleep, sleep but I can't because I'm in a meeting at work or I'm driving somewhere or " and it happens every day many times during the day.  I try to walk around the building at lunch as many days during the week that I can.  Once the weather gets colder, it will be too cold to do that.  With exercising and counting my carbs, you'd think I'd have it under better control but it's not.  I'm currently going through diabetes education to learn as much as I can.  I have to get this under control because I still plan to move forward with our fertility plan and my doctor said it's not safe for me to be pregnant right now.  Not for a growing fetus.  Luckily my A1C isn't too high so I'm hoping with medication it will be down within 3 months to safer levels.  My fasting blood sugar has gotten much better. Now I just need to get my after meal numbers down.  Tracking food, carbs, taking blood sugars, exercise, how I feel all day, taking blood sugars, injecting insulin, checking blood sugars (did I say that already)  is hard on a person. It's day after day after day and it will never change for me.  I'm trying to accept all of this.  I want to be a mother so badly that getting this under control is all I think about so I'm willing to do just about anything. 

Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too. 

Passed...

I'm happy to say J passed his check ride today.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime today.  I miss him and want him home already.  Next phase is OE and then he'll hopefully get a line (or reserve for this month).  I just want to be secure in knowing that we have the same goals.  Saving money for our treatment before the end of the year and becoming parents.  I just hate this feeling like I'm on hold all the time.  I have a right to happiness.  I have a right to have my dreams come true too,  

Trying to keep up...

One minute he's protesting the other he's back on track.  J called this morning and changed him mind. He pointed out that so far he's been treated fairly so he was going to see how it went with the check ride for his partner.  He called later and said everything went well.  I just can't keep up with him.  I just want him done with this training and back on the line.  And I would like him home for a few days.  I want to feel secure that we are still on track with quest for a baby.  I've been on this road for so many years.  And I guess I just want to know that he's on this road with me.