Jitters and nerves...

I've been having so much anxiety lately.  Everything and anything causes me to go over the edge.  I'm snapping at J often.  By evening I'm exhausted from the anxiety.  My heart races.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.  It comes out of nowhere.  I had my Endo appointment last Monday.  She tweaked my pump settings.  I'm hoping it helps get things under control with my blood sugar.  I have a blood test scheduled for Monday for my hormone levels and my A1C.  I'm really worried about my A1C.  I think it may have gone up since the last time.  I haven't been eating right and I need to fix that.  No more crap.  Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety.  And of course having my hormone levels checked.  Tuesday is my lining check.  I'm praying that it's all goes well.  

Today's struggles...

Some days I do really well and others are harder.  Today is a difficult day for me.  I found out a co-worker that had previously judged me on my decision to do IVF and then go on to use a donor is now pregnant.  I guess people like me are only supposed to be used to adopt and people like her can go on to get pregnant and to have children.  I was pregnant but now I'm not.  I should be pregnant now but I'm not.  I feel betrayed by my own body for hanging on to a dead baby for so long.  I feel anger at my GYN for not doing a D&C from the beginning.  I feel stupid for trusting her judgement and not sure I want to see her again.  I pray I don't have to.  It's hard to explain everything to someone who's not involved at the beginning but to explain all this to a stranger is even harder.  Our transfer is scheduled for 12/7.  Right now, I'm taking it day by day and praying hard that my body responds correctly.  I'm praying that this will be our take home baby.  I'm tired of being left behind all the time.

Ready to move on.. I think...

I was heavily drugged up so I'm not sure of all the details.  J is bad with that sort of stuff so tomorrow, I'll send an email to my nurse and make sure I got the details right.  I had a polyp and more placental tissue in my uterus.  He took care of all that and I don't want to wait too long in case something else decides to grow in my uterus.  Anyway, it was my first time travelling with my pump.  The TSA at MDW said that people with pacemakers go through and they are fine.  Newsflash, this isn't a pacemaker.  I thought pacemakers are inside of the body.  This is outside of the body and exposure to xray or the scanner may result in a malfunction.  Plus, I think it could void the warranty from Medtronic.  I wasn't arguing about getting a pat down.  I think she didn't want to do it.  Well too bad.  I don't like it either but I'm certainly not risking my health because she thinks it will be ok.  I bet she pushes pregnant women to go through too because the TSA says it's safe.  Well, if it's some sort of xray, then I say no.  I'll opt out and get a pat down.  I'm just not going to risk it. And I thought pacemakers work if your heart stops.  So how do they know that it's safe?  Because the government says so?   She probably tells people with pacemakers that people with insulin pumps go through the scanner too just to get them through.  What does she care.  She was pretty rude about it.  I wanted to show her the manufacturers airport card but she didn't want to see it.  So much for educating someone.  Apparently she knows it all.

Getting ready...

I'm glad my procedure is coming up.  I just want to get it over with.  It's been a long and painful road and I'll finally have closure.  I'm trying to get past my anger.  I could have been past this already.  Water under the bridge at this point.  I'm hoping we can start our next transfer right away.  I don't want to waste any more time and risk having something other than a baby growing in my uterus.  I didn't realize till recently how much this has affected me.  From the end of June till September I had some sort of bleeding or spotting.  How do you move on when your body betrays you like that?  Every day was a reminder of the baby I lost.  I won't let this happen again.  I don't think I can go through something like that again and hopefully the next time, I'll have a baby at the end.  I have lots of thoughts about what went wrong.  The diabetes nurse said it could have been my blood sugar.  But thousands of women have diabetes and blood sugars even higher than had.  I was working so hard to keep it under control too and my A1C was 5.6 which was the range the Dr's wanted.  And shame on her for making me think it was my fault.  Now I wonder if it was the polyp.  I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that now that I have my pump and CGM I hope my blood sugar control will be better than it was in May.  I know I'll have a clear uterus too.  So hears to hoping that next year we'll have our take home baby.

Feeling nervous...

I'm sure it's all perfectly normal.  Surgery is scheduled but I'm scared.  I don't know why this time I'm scared and other times I wasn't.  Who knows.  I think I was scared before but maybe not so far in advance of the day.  I want this to be the last surgery necessary and to go on to do my next transfer.  I want to be pregnant.  Most of all I want to be a mom.  I want to be the mom I was meant to be.  It seems every year I long for this.  I want to be out and about on mothers day.  Proud that I'm going to be a mom.  I don't want it to be the hardest day of my life anymore.  Lately, I feel like I have the cards stacked against me.  Every step forward comes with two steps backwards.  When do I get to be ahead of the deck?  Problems with my uterus.  Problems with my thyroid.  Last year, problems with my mammogram and my uterus.  I'm so tired of it all.  I keep trying to think of what I could have done to deserve this.  Maybe I should have prayed more.  Maybe I need to be more religious.  Maybe G-d will forgive me for whatever it is I've done.  Some days I feel so lost.

Plans are set...

I have my hysteroscopy scheduled.  I decided that it would be better to have my RE do it.  I just don't trust my GYN anymore.  I feel like she was covering her ass when she said it was a polyp.  I have a feeling it could be both.  This whole week has been spent bleeding.  Now my thyroid is out of whack as well.  It's going overactive and I feel miserable lately.  Why can't anything go right lately.  Hoping that once I have the hysteroscopy I can move forward even if my thyroid is out of whack.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  I'm just so sick of waiting.