Summer Blur....

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  I've been battling a lot of medical issues this summer so posting wasn't a priority.  My blood sugar started to go up, up and up.  Turns out that I have Type 1.5 or LADA.  Latent Autoimmune Diabetes for Adults.  I was originally diagnosed with Type 2 back in 2011.  Watching my blood sugar go up made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  I wasn't exercising as much as the doctors had said but my A1C was 5.5 at the beginning of this year without medications.  Just diet and exercise.  So why suddenly was everything changing.  I'm not obese.  I watch what I eat.  I measure my food so I don't eat too much (carbs especially).

I'm glad I found out what's wrong but it's a huge change that will be difficult to adjust to.  I won't just take insulin till I'm better, I'll be taking it for the rest of my life.  I'm also struggling with symptoms of fatigue.  I don't just feel a little tired.  It's an "I can't see straight fatigue and I need to sleep, sleep, sleep but I can't because I'm in a meeting at work or I'm driving somewhere or " and it happens every day many times during the day.  I try to walk around the building at lunch as many days during the week that I can.  Once the weather gets colder, it will be too cold to do that.  With exercising and counting my carbs, you'd think I'd have it under better control but it's not.  I'm currently going through diabetes education to learn as much as I can.  I have to get this under control because I still plan to move forward with our fertility plan and my doctor said it's not safe for me to be pregnant right now.  Not for a growing fetus.  Luckily my A1C isn't too high so I'm hoping with medication it will be down within 3 months to safer levels.  My fasting blood sugar has gotten much better. Now I just need to get my after meal numbers down.  Tracking food, carbs, taking blood sugars, exercise, how I feel all day, taking blood sugars, injecting insulin, checking blood sugars (did I say that already)  is hard on a person. It's day after day after day and it will never change for me.  I'm trying to accept all of this.  I want to be a mother so badly that getting this under control is all I think about so I'm willing to do just about anything. 

Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too. 

Passed...

I'm happy to say J passed his check ride today.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime today.  I miss him and want him home already.  Next phase is OE and then he'll hopefully get a line (or reserve for this month).  I just want to be secure in knowing that we have the same goals.  Saving money for our treatment before the end of the year and becoming parents.  I just hate this feeling like I'm on hold all the time.  I have a right to happiness.  I have a right to have my dreams come true too,  

Trying to keep up...

One minute he's protesting the other he's back on track.  J called this morning and changed him mind. He pointed out that so far he's been treated fairly so he was going to see how it went with the check ride for his partner.  He called later and said everything went well.  I just can't keep up with him.  I just want him done with this training and back on the line.  And I would like him home for a few days.  I want to feel secure that we are still on track with quest for a baby.  I've been on this road for so many years.  And I guess I just want to know that he's on this road with me.  

Going from happy to sad in an instant...

I'm amazed that my emotions can go from happy to sad in a split moment these days.  I was doing so well this week.  J said his training was going well and I really thought we were on the right path.  I went out and spent money on a new printer that I wanted to get for the last 3 months.  I don't spend money easily these days but I thought it would be a good investment for us.  Now, J calls me tonight telling me he wants to protest the check ride tomorrow.  Says that the only reason he has done well in part of the training is because his partner had a cheat sheet and the cheat sheet is completely different than the actual manual.  Well, he did study his ass off for this too.  And he's aced everything because of the studying he's done.  What he's worried about is that his friend failed the check ride because of the discrepancies in the manual.  So now it's a protest???  Again, I feel like it's all about J.  And again, I see my dreams going into the toilet.  This hurts so much.  He doesn't even realize how much.  And I just don't know what to do about it anymore.  Every time I make a plan it seems to get screwed up before I can even start.  I feel like every time I have my opportunity to move forward with fertility treatments something always happens with J and we have to hold off.  I'm just so tired of it all.  

Getting back to normal...

It's Sunday night and tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it.  It's so hard to get caught up and back in the swing of things after being gone for so long.  I'm hoping to get to work early so I can get a head start on reviewing the status docs.  I think tonight would be a good night for an ambien.  I just don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight and I really need to get a good nights sleep.  I'm also worried about the MRI I had.  I'm hoping to find out the results tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.

On another note, J said his company is going to make a big announcement in a few weeks.  We've been trying to figure out what it could be we're at a loss.  Our only thoughts are a flow and money but that's about it and it doesn't make any sense that they would do that.  Management says it will make everyone happy but we'll see.  Waiting it out is the hard part.  As it stands, J won't be home till the end of the month at this point and I miss him so much right now.  I guess I'll just have to settle for facetime on my phone.