Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Catching up with family and other things....

I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad.  He has his good days and bad days.  He looked like he was scared of me at first.  I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia.  He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him.  Who knows.  I just don't want anyone to hurt him.  My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions.  It's not helping him so why put him through that.  He knew who I was the next day.  It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand.  They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time.  He's hanging on right now by his own will.  I know when it's time for him to pass he will.

Visiting my family really exhausted me too.  I don't know how I grew up in that environment.  Nothing has changed for them.  They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about.  She always has to be one up on me.  It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.

On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like.  I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then.  We really need to save much more money.  I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year.  I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan.  What if we don't get it the second time around.  I hate having to wait but it's only a few months.  J has been putting me through so much lately too.  He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me.  I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me.  I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan.  I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high.  I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money".  I always feel like I'm doing this by myself.  He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute.  He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.

Consult...

I finally had a Dr visit I can take.  Well, it was just a phone consult with my RE but it felt good to get the ball rolling. We still need to save a crap load of money but I found out we can do our preliminary testing here since we have a history with the clinic.  This will save a ton of money too.  We would have had to buy airline tickets, hotel room, car rental for a few days.  It adds up.  And I know we could non-rev but when you have an appointment for something like this, I prefer the old fashioned pay-for-your-airfare way.  This way, I know I get to my destination with no stress.  Anyway, we don't have to go.  I just need to do a saline ultrasound and J needs to get a semen analysis.  This way, we can focus all our money for the treatment.  I think we can save everything we need to do this before the year 2015.  At least that's the goal right now.

Ugh, more doctors...

The good news is that it's only a cluster of blood vessels...the Hemangioma.  Bad news is that the radiologist thinks I need an MRI because it's a rather large Hemangioma on my liver.  My primary care decided that I should see a specialist.  So now, I have my next doctor appointment is in about 3 weeks.  Hopefully, he won't think it's necessary to move forward but I do have some questions for him.  I've done some reading on Dr. Google and hormones can cause these.  Since I'm planning on fertility treatments in the next 6 months, I'm hoping this won't be an issue.  At least it's not a malignant tumor.  That was my biggest fear.  Glad I can put that one to bed.

CT is over...

Got the CT scan done today.  I scheduled it so I could get it over with today.  I'm glad I did it on Saturday.  I had to have a blood test first to make sure my kidneys were functioning well.  Then I had to drink a ton of barium.  It said berry smoothie but it certainly didn't taste like a smoothie.  In fact, I thought I was going to vomit after I drank it down.  Then I had to have an IV for the contrast put in.  Just what I needed.  Another needle in my arm.  The CT scan didn't take long after that.  But it was the most bizarre sensations.  The IV contrast caused my me to heat up starting from the arm with the IV.  I felt like I was going to be on fire, then my mouth had a metallic taste and then I felt like I peed in my pants.  I didn't but it felt like it.  Then all those sensations disappeared.  All in less than 30 seconds.  Luckily the technician explained all of this to me before hand.  Still it was weird.  Now, I get to wait for the results which I hope to get on Monday.  And hear that it was what the doctor said it was...Just a cluster of blood vessels (Hemangioma).  Fingers crossed and saying my prayers.  I want to move forward with my DE/IVF and have nothing over my head.  

Upcoming medical stuff...

I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  We went over the ER visit and the fact that I've been having pain in my abdomen off and on since then.  It's not as bad but pain is pain.  Anyway, I brought up the mass the ER Dr mentioned.  I heard 3 cm but J swore that it had to be mm.  This time I was right.  It was 3.1 cm.  Now I'm going to have a CT scan to get a better look.  She said I shouldn't worry about it.  It's probably just a group of blood vessels, etc, etc, etc. She had a more technical name but I can't remember what that is right now.  I want to say I'm not worried but I think anyone would be having trouble doing that.  I have my scan set for Saturday so I guess I'll find out then.  Just praying it really isn't anything.