Waiting for tough decisions...

J finally made the decision to scrap his car renovation idea.  I can't tell you how happy that made me today but it also made me sad.  J has put so much into this whole thing.  The goal was to restore a few cars but last year when J decided to do it, we were low on funds.  We were both hoping he could afford to keep this shop open to do the restore but we could never come up with the money.  And since he doesn't handle stress well, he finally agreed to just sell the cars as is and get rid of the shop that's costing us a ton a of money each month.  I feel awful that we couldn't pay down the credit cards the way we wanted but the rent on this shop has been a hardship.  Not to mention that J always takes on too much and can never get everything he wants to get done.  I'm hoping that with this going away, we can save more money each month.  At least that's what I'm hoping on.  

Life just goes on....

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant.  My office is filled with pregnant women, in all shapes and sizes right now.  It's like that year round.  There are even designated parking spots for all the preggers in the office.  I try not to show anyone how jealous I feel inside.  I truly am happy for all the ladies that are pregnant but I still wish it was happening to me too.  I know I will have another chance to try and hopefully it will be at the beginning of next year.  Our funds are running short but I am paying down our credit cards and our credit scores are going up slowly.  Plus, I'm still holding out for that fertility grant.  We'll find out by Oct 15th by email if we were chosen.  Please say a prayer for us.  That grant will help us out tremendously with our quest to parenthood.   

Hanging on and trying for short term goals...

So, I'm working on staying healthy (trying to at least) and trying to get our finances under control.  I'm also insanely busy at work.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I'm getting more opportunities to shine and right now, I need to have something positive to focus on.  I'm still thinking about the baby thing a lot but I need to focus on something other than babies.  It's been hard.  My company is always popping out babies at every turn.  Someone is always pregnant and I'm truly happy for anyone able to achieve pregnancy easily.  They are truly lucky and blessed.  I know our time will come.  Either with pregnancy or adoption we will become parents somehow. It may take years but we will get there. I'm still praying we get that grant and we're able to save the money we need for IVF package of our choice.  I've also decided I need to do something about this house.  I'm taking a week off in Sept to stay home and do a full cleaning.  Maybe getting the house in order will help both J and I get out of our depression and anger.  He has his anger issues because of his career right now.  But he's getting is log book in order and getting things done.  I really hope he keeps moving forward with that and he can get on with a company that secures our future. If he can do that, I know it will also help with both of our depression.  It's been a tough 5 years but it has to get better.

Despair....

Despair, sadness, alone.  I'm hoping it will pass and I'll be feeling like my old self soon.  My health issues, finances and the fact that J has been away for the last 2 weeks doesn't help.  I have profound sadness that we've been trying to conceive so long and have been unsuccessful.  I've put my life on hold waiting for that moment I get to hold our child.  What if it never happens.  I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. Praying that these feelings pass soon.  

Thyroid up, thyroid down, thyroid up?

Well, I don't know what's going on with me lately.  In the last week, I've felt like I did when my thyroid was overactive, now it feels normal again.  Can your thyroid go overactive, under-active and then back to overactive?  I went for a blood test but it came back normal.  It's just been crazy.  I guess I just need to wait and see what happens.  Could all of this be related to stress which I've had a lot of?  Bills seem to pile up and never go away no matter how much I try to pay things down.  And J keeps complaining about his job and it's starting to upset me lately.  He's the only one who can change that and he seems scared to move forward.  Now he tells me he should have sent out his resume last year because he could have gotten a job last year with a major.  Now he's not so sure.  The whole thing just irritates me.  Here I am trying to save money and getting nowhere.  I really hope we can qualify for a loan next January.  I really want to go for another fertility treatment by then.  I just thought we'd have more money saved and our credit cards paid down.  J just doesn't make enough money and it's hurting us.  Anyway, we did get to visit family over the 4th of July.  J's nephew got married. It was so nice to see everyone and as always, it was too short of a trip but I'm glad we went.  It's the little things that keep me going.

I had my Dr's appointment yesterday.  My blood tests are now normal for my thyroid levels which is good.  She said I have thyroid antibodies which she called Hashimotos and I should continue to take the low dose of thyroid medicine.  I'm due to have it checked in 2 months.  I brought up my high blood sugars in the morning and they did an A1C and it turns out it's gone up since my last check in March.  It was 5.4 and now it's 5.9.  She wants me to have that checked in 2 months as well.  No meds yet just checking to see where it goes.  I'm working out 3-4 times/week for months now (J has noticed my butt looks more shapely) and trying to watch my carbs.  She said if it goes over 200 to contact her sooner than our next appointment but lets hope it doesn't.  I'm just so tired of trying and I feel like I should be able to stop it from happening.