How do I survive this...

G seems so unhappy these days.  I think she is becoming more aware of the meds and says she doesn't like them and doesn't like how she feels.  She keeps blaming me for making her feel that way.  I'm at a loss.  She's always saying why does she have to go to school when her friend doesn't.  (I really don't know what her friends family does and if they do or don't let their daughter stay home more than G.  She is in Kindergarten and G is in 1st Grade).  She wants to have a little sister and blames that on me too.  I wanted her to have a sibling but J didn't want to move forward.  He wanted so much for my age to be an issue and was so upset the Dr gave me the go ahead to try again.  Reality is, he didn't want another child and I'm being blamed by her for not having another.  I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard when your child blames everything on you at such a young age.  She's not grateful for anything she has and I don't know how to get it through to her about that. With our trip to school today, I came home feeling lost and sad.  I don't know how to feel happy anymore.  

Assessment #2

So, tomorrow we have someone coming to our home to do an assessment.  We did this with another company but we are still waiting for services.  But they have charged us $200 for doing the assessment.  That is our co-pay.  And we haven't even started therapy.  I'm hoping these people will be much quicker and hopefully start sooner rather than later.  I'm tired of waiting lists and not getting the help we need.  G seems to be in charge or we have meltdown after meltdown.  I can't take it anymore.  Last night, she came in our room and into bed.  I need a wash cloth, I need tissues.  Dirty tissues all over the bed and wet cloth on the sheets.  I slept in the guest room.  Tonight we need to keep her in her own bed.  I need sleep.  How do I get her to stay in her room.  Always, saying she scared of something lately.  I had a bad dream, etc, etc.  I need suggestions on how to keep her in her own room at night.

We all have strep...

 So J was sick last week.  But in man fashion, he didn't go to the doctor.  Yesterday, I started feeling very ill.  Fever, sore throat, chills.  G threw up in her bed, then later in ours, then after drinking some water, after the doctor did the strep test.  So much fun.  After her Dr app, we went to my Dr app and J checked into the urgent care next my doctor office.  Now we are all on antibiotics for the next 10 days.   And I've spent the better part of the day, washing/sterilizing all our bedding.  

Hopefully we start to feel better tomorrow. :(

No outlets

So apparently, I'm the one that has to take all the crap in this house.  Everyone is falling apart and I have to deal with it.  J just gets angry and makes it worse.  I'm tired.  All I see is him checking vitals over and over.  As if his life depends on it.  Our daughter is going to grow up seeing this and be affected by this.  I'm scared she'll be thinking it's normal to do this all the time.  I understand having tools available is nice but if he doesn't get a number he likes, he goes back on the treadmill.  He comes off shakey and has lost a lot of weight.  This is not normal behavior.  And I'm supposed to just take it.  I go upstairs to get some peace and he starts banging and yelling because the number on the machine isn't what he wants.  He does it again and again and again and same result.  I walk out frustrated and with anxiety because I have to get it from him and her and I'm just on edge all the time.  I can't get it out of my system.  Only him and her get to express themselves and I'm just supposed to sit there and take it.  This isn't the way I want to live the rest of my life.  If this is how it's going to be, I hope for it to be over soon. Maybe I should just stop going to my doctors, let my diabetes go out of control, get sick so I can maybe get a break.  I don't like thinking like that.  I'm trying hard to lose weight and lower my cholesterol so I don't need to take more meds.  But the garbage in this house is exhausting.  

Drained...

It's been a long week.  We made it through.  It was hard.  J is back home and Giuli is happier than ever.  I'm still trying to work on getting Giuli to listen to me.  Sometimes she just ignores me and does what she wants.  Yesterday, the daycare tried to help me by saying to her she needs to apologize for what she did. Sadly, she doesn't always seem to understand her actions.  And of course, lots of loud noises and crying on the way home as a result.  I wish I had the knowledge to fix what's going on inside of her.  We're still trying to find ABA care for her.  Just sitting on the waitlist and waiting for another to provide us with the assessment they did.  Everything takes so long to get done.  I'm glad her school started doing extra with her.  She goes to something called Lunch Bunch.  I think she likes it too.  Yesterday, she got 2 tokens so I told her if she can do that every day, I'll give her a matching dollar.  She wants to go to Target and she needs money for that.  Hoping a goal like that will give her incentive to do well in school. 

Does my daughter hate me?

I feel like I’m losing my girl to Autism.  I doubt myself more than ever these days. I take care of her.  Feed her. Help her get dressed, wash face and brush teeth.I help her brush her hair.  I take her to parks and try to set up play dates with other kids.  But all she says is go away.  I only want daddy.  Not just once but all the time.  No matter what I do with her she just wants me to go away.  The last few days have been hard.  I’m feeling emotional about it and have shed some tears.  I’m trying to figure out why she hates me so. Am I doing too much?  My heart breaks when she pushes me away when I know she’s hurting. Is this part of her autism? It seems that a year ago she went to the Daddy/Daughter dance and she was happy.  Yesterday, she wasn’t happy.  Was she having anxiety?  Not even sure since she doesn’t communicate with us.  Hopefully we can get help soon before we lose her forever to Autism.

Before they left for the dance.  No smiles 

During the dance when she saw her best friend was there

Little in rare form yesterday...

So we are in waiting mode for therapy for G.  I feel like we get the runaround a lot these days.  Last night was so hard. Something doesn't connect in her brain.  I told her we need to leave so she can get her pizza for dinner while she plays.  She just sat there playing on her tablet.  Nothing.  Last time she didn't get to eat there she had a meltdown in the parking lot.  Laying on the ground.  I wanted to avoid that happening again and explained but she doesn't get it.  Still has no concept of time.  We need help figuring out how to parent her.  Then last night before bed she wanted to have some Fanta.  Dad says yes so I go with it.  She now is trying to pretent to pour from an open bottle into her dolls mouth.  I tell her to stop, she'll spill, but doesn't listen so I try to stop her. Then it spills and she says its my fault.  Of course she takes no responsibility when I said not to do that.  Because she thinks she can do whatever she wants and the reality is she can't.  She touches peoples belongings and goes into their bags. No understanding or remorse.  When someone took something from her bag she didn't like it.  She was upset but she can't turn it around to understand that she can't do that either.  We are challenged.  Praying for a good day today.  Hoping to take her for her swim lesson and maybe we can go skating.  Something different to do.

Tired of being worried all the time...

Yes, I worry a lot these days.  Money is the big issue.  Will we make it till J gets back to work?  I don't know anymore.  I want to see if we can skip any payments but J keeps saying they'll cut us off on credit.  Well, let's be real, when we don't pay and our accounts are overdrawn, then what, they'll just ignore the missing payments and let us use our open credit.  NOT.  But what do I know.  I'm just a full time employee and mom of a seven year old and have struggled for years to pay down our debt only to wind up in the same situation.  I've cashed in all the savings, investments and 401K money I can scrounge up to pay.  It's not looking pretty anymore.  I worry that when J goes back to work, he'll just spend like even more as if we don't have debt to pay back.  It has to stop.  At this point, I'll be working till I die.  

My other worry is my daughter.  J has ideas on giving money rewards and I want to change that.  I suggested it and he said he agreed, then a couple of weeks later he said he wants to give her money rewards.  I think she should have an allowance.  No strings attached allowance.  Good behavior shouldn't be rewarded with cash.  She just needs to have good behavior.  

That's my rant of the day.  Thanks for listening.

Praying for change in 2024

2023 was a hard year.  We had G evaluated and found out she has Level 1 Autism.  A lot makes sense now but still dealing with her being so difficult with lots of big emotions and no way to handle it.  Hoping for help from Autism Learning Centers but we'll see.  I'm not impressed with the speed they want you to take but not them.  We've called and had our paperwork done and now waiting again till they are ready to call us.  This started at the end of November so you can see why I'm frustrated.  And right now, I'm ready to go out with G for the afternoon but she's just whining.  I can't do this or that.  I can't brush my teeth, I can't walk, I can only whine very loudly.  I love my girl but this part of her is hard.  She doesn't say what's wrong.  Just gets mad and actsw out.  Doesn't say something happened or what's making her upset even if she knows why.  ON PAUSE

I'm back.  She's now having hot cocoa and watching her tablet.  She's still a mess but happier.  I on the other hand have fear and worry in the next month.  I don't know how I'll pay our bills.  I just don't know anymore.  Jim keeps saying wait.  Always has regret about something.  I should have done this instead of that.  I should have done that instead of this.  Never happy with decisions.  My bank accounts have been drained and I'm thinking I need to get a part time job.  He won't do it.  I'm the one who will have to work and work and work and take care of G and clean the house and run around while he takes care of himself.  I've never seen anyone in my life procrastinate as much as he does.  I'm stressed about this, about that, etc.  I'm just so fed up with it all.  And super tired today.  Low energy.  

Maybe, just maybe, I need to take care of myself for once.  

HAPPY 2024.  PRAYING FOR PEACE, LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

Healthcare and meds...

So, G had some crazy looking marks on her leg.  Possibly bug bites but I wanted to have it looked at since it was so many and so round. I was lucky to get an app the next day in the morning with her doctor.  We decided that since it was the Dr and not the NP we would ask the her questions about coming off the meds. When J mentioned it the nurse who checked us in she looked pissed off and was very combative.  I don't know why.  I'm not sure what she gained from acting like that.  She didn't want us to talk to the Dr about it because we have an app in Sept to review it.  But why was is it that she was so freaking angry about it.  If it was the NP, we would have just had her look at G's leg and we'd be done.  Anyway, we got a prescription to start her coming off the meds. We started on Saturday and by Sunday, we had a change of heart and gave her the extra dose.  Sunday and Monday were ugly days for G.  No self control at all.  I was terrified for her and anyone she would come in contact with.  She wasn't being bad.  Just so wild.  Anyway, she had an incident at school so we are now waiting to get with the pyschiatrist and we'll assess whats needed then.  So much for taking her off meds we didn't think worked anyway.  

Challenges...

I feel like I'm drowning in responsibilties. I get up at 6:30pm to get ready.  Then get G up to get ready.  We've started picking out clothes the night before to alleviate the struggle in the morning.  It seems to be working for now.  Then get her breakfast, put her bag together, get her meds together, pack her snack and water.  After that, we go back upstairs to brush teeth and wash face.  In between with her running to J to say hello and not do what she's supposed to do.  Finally all of are in the car and we drop her off.  Then, I get home, make my breakfast and coffee and work.  I do some side hustle and get my act together for my day job.  Now, I'm reminding J to do things, throwing in load of laundry, again reminding J to do things, working, figuring out dinner, keeping the kitchen clean, possibly pulling out the vaccum and going back to work, etc.  Now we are trying to get G off the current meds but it's all such a mess.  According to the doctor's office ,she should have been monitored every 3 months by the prescriber which we weren't aware of.  Anyway, just not happy these days with healthcare.  

Updates on our lives...

So we had a crazy July.  We took our little one to VA to stay with Grandma and Grandpa.  And J and I drove to NJ to have his surgery done.  It was really crazy, stressful, and exhausting. Hotel living and surgery don't mix well as well as travelling as much as we did.  G was not happy to be at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  She did get to meet her cousins in person.  They are her second cousins but they are her age.  She had the best time with them.  We had an extra 2 days in VA before we traveled home.  I spent as much time with G as I could.  We went to Surge and she had a great time climbing and jumping all afternoon.  She even got to have desert for lunch.  Not my idea but aparently there are no food options except for the pancake desert place in the mall.  So for dinner we had pizza and then she got to go play in the pool and her Aunt and Uncle's house. The next day was travel back home day.  Longest drive ever.  8 hours plus a car wreck that took over an hour to clear up just 500 feet away from us.  But we made it home and tried to get G under control.  Monday was orientation day with her teacher and Wednesday she started 1st grade.  We went to her therapist app as her behavior has been deteriorating lately.  Maybe it's all the traveling. Or J not being well.  Or just starting 1st grade.  Who knows.  She has good days and bad days.  The therapist is going to have a psychiatrist contact us to get her started with another medication.  In the meantime we have to wean her off of the current medication.  It's not really helping so better to get her off of it.  That's where we are right now.  I'm doing all the work.  Working full time, taking care of G, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc.  I have been looking into preparing and having ready meals ready to make.  Some will be in a jar that can cook with just water.  Others will be in a bag with all the ingredients ready to grab off the shelf and prep.  I have some things already that I like but meals in a jar is something we can use for long term storage as well has easy to go meals.  I joined Thrive Life and decided to become a consultant since I can get the lower prices for the products.  Plus, I really believe it being prepared and want to try harder to do that.  Covid got me that frame of mind and who knows what can happen.  I don't want to be unprepared for an emergency.  Anyway, that's where I am today. 

Anyone interested in Thrive Life, just click on Thrive Life.

Silly G

1st Day of 1st Grade

Crazy moments with my daughter...

So this past weekend, G and I went to the pool.  I love taking her there.  The temps are really hot and I thought it was all going ok.  G got sick in the car on Thursday last week so J and I worked to get the smell out and clean it up. It still needs a really good cleaning but it smells ok.  So fast foward to Saturday.  We went to the pool and G and I were leaving.  Somewhere, somehow, she put goldfish in the cap of her water bottle.  I'm not sure why.  But she opened it all the crumbs came out and I lost my cool.  I asked her why she did that instead of just taking the bag of goldfish.  I told her she can't eat in the car if she's going always make a mess that others clean up.  Anyway, she then threw her water thermos.  I drove home angry.  I got out of the car to go to the front door and open the garage from inside (remote wasn't working). I came out and she was stomping on my phone in the grass saying I locked her in the car and closed the garage.  She went into the house and J followed her.  She hugged him and he came out.  It was then that I realized the windshield was cracked.  Huge crack and it'll cost us 500 to fix.  He went back inside and said, you broke the windshield.  She then kept stomping on his feet to hurt him.  Then went back outside to continue to stomp on my phone.  She was out of control.  Was it hunger, was it the heat, was it exhaustion?  I don't know.  She's seeing a therapist as I write this.  I hope she can help.  We need help parenting her.  The rest of the weekend was glorious.  She becomes really scary when she acts like that so something isn't right with her. I hope this therapist can help.

Struggles...

I love J but he doesn't always realize he's doing damage to our daughter.  He keeps commenting that he doesn't know how long he'll live like this.  She hears this and I can only imagine whats going on her brain.  She's been super clingy too. I want Daddy, running into Daddy's room, I need Daddy.  It's been over and over again and he says something not right with her.  I want to say, it's you.  You keep telling her it's over for you and you are not going to live much longer.  Every car ride you talk about it with me in the front and her in the back and she hears it.  I say stop.  I don't respond to it anymore.  If I say don't say that, he gets mad and loses it.  It scares me as well.  I'm not immune to his impending death.  I think if keep saying it over and over, eventually you'll accomplish the goal of dying.  Always so negative.  I want my little girl to be ok but he scares me.  And I'm at a loss at how to get him to stop.

So far so good...

This has been G's first week at the new daycare.  So far we like what we see in the place.  The person who runs it, has a child with ADHD and understands all too well.  She's a published author on a childrens book about ADHD.  It's on my list to order.  It's called "My Running Mind" and I'm purchasing it on Amazon.  If anyone is interested in it, I've linked it to the amazon page.  They seem chaotic but yet have total control over the children.  G has been having issues and we've been seeing her in the zone lately.  But they handled it so well.  So much better than just "your daughter is really aggressive"  I keep thinking of that comment and it gets me super angry.  These people are in the business of taking care of children and G is a child.  Have they never managed a child that has ADHD?  I guess they like to be selective with the children they get.  Only those that sit still.  We won't talk about the little boy that asked G if she wanted to see his weenie?  That was G's fault too.  I keep wondering where the adults were while this and other things were going on.  Well, keep praying for my little one and that she's now at the daycare she fits in well with.

The new daycare...

So G started her new daycare.  So far so good.  J thinks its too chaotic and she'll get bad habits there.  Maybe, maybe not.  But she got herself booted from the last one and that's the reality. J is always losing it these days.  She doesn't do what she's supposed to do and he yells that he's going to die soon.  I don't think that's good for her to hear and I'm not sure why he doesn't get it.  He keeps saying it to me as well and it gives me a lot of stress.  He doesn't feel well so everyone has to suffer.  Honestly, I think he'll accomplish dying if he doesn't stop saying it. He is always he should have done this or should have done that.  I'm surprised I'm still alive with the amount of stress he's put me through.  Anyway, G had an episode this morning and all this came up.  She can't control herself and you can say it to her over and over and she doesn't get it.

J is home and new daycare for G tomorrow...

I'm praying for her.  She knows she caused this to happen.  When you have an adult that is not compassionate and doesn't want to help a child, there is nothing you can do.  G is 6 years old.  She's smart but immature.  She doesn't know how to regulate herself.  She knows right from wrong but craves acceptance.  So when someone is giving her acceptance, it's ok to do the wrong thing.  This is what she's thinking in her brain.  It's not the right way.  We need to get her to understand that.  So even though there were other players in the mix of doing wrong, G is the one that got booted.  It breaks my heart because she doesn't understand how she was singled out.  Even when I explain it to her she doesn't get it.  Not totally.  She was always one step away from being dismissed.  The lady said it to me.  G is aggressive.  But the teacher said she was fine.  Two stories about one child.  G didn't mean to hurt anyone.  I'm not sure how a childs scissors can cut someone but if 3 children were playing with the scissors and one of these kids got hurt how did G get blamed for the entire episode.  Lots of unanswered questions but it really doesn't matter.  She has a new daycare tomorrow.  So I'm praying for her.  Praying she behaves well.  Praying she finds friends and acceptance.  Praying she makes good choices.  

Another daycare bites the dust...

It's hard to say what happened.  The teacher didn't say G hurt anyone but they were playing with scissors and someone got hurt. So off to Brain Balance and then they called as her session was ending early because G wet herself.  I had J call them back as I didn't want to talk to them.  They said a little girl was hurt and her parents were very upset and G is now not allowed to return to the daycare.  G said they were both playing with the scissors and throwing them and she didn't know how she got hurt.  But G is being blamed for it.  So there it is. This lady said she didn't want G there so now she isn't.  I don't think it's fair and I'm sure she isn't the only one so let her find out.  I know G isn't a perfect little girl.  My heart breaks for her.  I don't want her to think she's no good.  I want her to grow up and realize there are consequences.  She needs to make better decisions.  She needs to know right from wrong and not go down the path of wrong because others are doing it.  How do I get her to understand that?  How do I get through to her?

Monday night therapy...

So yesterday afternoon, J picked up G early.  We went to see her previous therapist.  He knows her so it was a good choice to make.  G likes to please people but doesn't understand that someone being a friend doesn't ask you to do things that aren't appropriate.  We just need to keep on reminding her about that.  We and her therapist believe it was initiated by the boy.  I don't know what goes on in his home nor do I care.  I care about what my daughter does.  Her actions and behaviors is what's important right now.  We did giver her the tablet for the ride but again, she just can't handle it.  She can't regulate herself to realize how it impacts her. So no tablet for now.   Let's hope for an uneventful week for G other than her having fun.

J is home and the story gets crazy...

So J came home on Friday.  He went to pick her up at the daycare with the hope of talking to that lady that has it out for G.  She was gone for the day so J talked to her teacher.  He told her what's going on and she was shocked.  She was the one who saw the boy and G doing something inappropriate.  She didn't think it was as bad as was relayed to us.  J also mentioned that the documentation is being used as a report to get G dismissed.  I was the one who asked for the reports so I can know what to talk to her therapist about when we finally get one.  This lady said to me we'll see how it goes and if in a couple of weeks we'll talk about unenrollment.  So why am I paranoid?  This is why.  Why am I stressed? This is why.  Her teacher said she had a pretty much perfect day.  Everything went so well.  Her teacher had no idea the reports were being used like that.  I should ask her to also document when she's having a wonderful day and just being a little girl enjoying her life.  I hate this woman right now.  G isn't a troublemaker.  She's a 6 year old little girl.  She's smart. She's sassy. She's outgoing. And she's the class clown but she's loving and sweet.  She wants to do everything herself but when she can't get's angry.  We are working on that.  We are working on her ADHD.  Small steps.  I feel like there are so many judgemental people out there.  G doesn't conform to what others want her to be and that frustrates them.  When you think you'll get one reaction, you wind up getting another.  But nothing is wrong with her that would justify being singled out like she is.  Please pray for my little girl.  She doesn't need to be treated like this.  

Waiting for the shoe to drop...

Yes, that's how I'm feeling right now. Today they had a field trip to a movie.  I'm worried.  She can't sit still for long and I'm sure it'll be used against her.  I found a poem and I can't stop listening to the words on the ballad put together.  I wound up creating a reel on facebook and I've been listening to the words over and over.

Wild Child by Jessica Ulrich

Pray for my daughter, pray for my family.  I want her to grow up to be a happy, successful, well-rounded woman.  I don't want these things to affect her but i'm afraid it will.  

My heart hurts for her…

 I love my little girl so much.  Lately she has been making bad choices.  At daycare a little boy wanted her to kiss his weenie.  They made a game of it and she isn’t 100 percent understanding what she did wrong. He’s her friend and she thinks it’s ok to go that.  Now the lady at daycare is picking G apart for anything that happens.  The teachers write reports and this lady blows them out of proportion.  I’m scared for her.  I feel like she’s disgusted with G and wants her gone from the daycare.  J is feeling that too.  I worry how she’ll feel if they kick her out and we need to find another daycare.  G is smart but she’s immature for her age.  We’re working to improve that but singling her out like this isn’t right.  J is coming home tomorrow and will go speak to this lady directly.  Right now I’m too emotional about it.  I need to know what path to take.  I’m praying G-d can show me the way

Unsure about what happened yesterday...

Yesterday we went to the pool party.  It was nice but really crowded and G met some of her school friends at the pool and really enjoyed herself.  It went downhill from there.  Crying and not listening well at all.  Somewhat improved after eating.  Got her into a bath and I did some cleaning up while she played in the tub.  Dried her hair and we read a book together (she's doing so well with that) and watched a show on youtube for a few minutes before putting her to bed.  However, she didn't go to bed.  She couldn't sleep and kept getting up and coming in my room.  Can I go potty, can we have perogies, I hear a woodpecker at my window, I hear booming (fireworks).  This went on all night till she came in and asked if she can sleep in my room.  When she settled down, she didn't settle down.  Legs up and down.  I finally put the TV on because it was apparent no sleeping was happening.  I can't have another night like this.  It made me angry and I was angry with her. And of course, she cried when she got up because she was so freaking tired.  I need to figure out what to do.  I took away her tablet but her motor wouldn't stop.  I purchased some supplements and hoping this will help her get settled down.  Please pray for us.

The weekend...

It's been an interesting weekend so far.  G got up yesterday and spent some time on the tablet before breakfast.  It went downhill from there.  She was so out of control.  We are both seeing how the tablet is affecting her behavior.  She was getting a medal at her gymnastics class yesterday and it was looking like we wouldn't be going. She was totally out of control and at one point, J wanted me to stay and sit in the training room (we call it that instead of time out now) but I screamed "I need a break".  My adrenaline was pumping and I was close to losing it with her.  He got the point. So we decided to stop the tablet for the weekend.  She can watch some videos right before bed while I scratch her back.  We already set limits to 1 hour/day durning the week and 2 hours/day on weekend.  But she needs even less than that and definitely not in the morning.  

On another note, I have changed the name of my facebook business page to Healthy Womens Lifestyle and put a new post introducing my niche.  People didn't follow me for this so I wanted to be transparent with my intentions.  I'm excited about it but still have some work to do on my website before it's fully finished.

My first canning project...

I'm so excited.  Today I didn't start off well today.  I was feeling down and depressed.  Nearly at tears every once in a while.  I'm not sure why.  Just so many negative thoughts crossing my mind.  Anyway, in the last month, I've been intrigued at canning.  I would love to grow my own vegetables but it's not in the cards right now till we have a house we own.  So I went in search of tomatoes for my first project.  Canning crushed tomatoes.  I bought about 20 lbs of roma tomatoes and basically spent the rest of my afternoon preparing, cooking and canning tomatoes.  I made 5 jars and here is a pic of them below.  I have 3 more in the canner and should be ready soon to remove.  I was careful to follow a lab tested recipe from Ball so it would be safe to consume with risk. I was torn between working on my affiliate business, cleaning or canning.  Since it will be next to impossible to do this with G around, I decided to do the canning.  I've always wanted to try it and we'll see how it comes out. So far so good. I have another recipe I want to try next and it's still waterbath canning.  

Last week of school..

I can't believe my little girl made a full year in school.  She wore the same outfit as her first day and you can see the difference.  In less than one year, she's grown up.  This weekend we have her awards for her gymnastics class and Monday is Memorial Day and there is a pool party to attend.  She loves the pool.  I got some fun things for the pool for her to play with. I hope she likes it.  Today, she met her First Grade teacher.  I can't wait to find out who it is.  

On to my next topic.  I'm still working out the content for my Affiliate Marketing Business.  Writing an article or blog post isn't easy when you need to do research to figure it all out.  I feel like I'm back in school writing essays again.  Whoop whoop.  But this will get me to my end result which is to own my own affiliate marketing business and make money doing it.  In the end I'll do it because I refuse to quit.  And my family needs this.  I worry about the future so much lately.  We're getting low on funds till J goes back to work.  So much so, that it keeps me up at night.  If this works out, it can be a second source of money to help pay down debts or save for G's education.  I just want to make sure I have enough content for about a month.  Then, I can promote on my facebook page to get people to view and hopefully follow.  

I still have some learning to do but taking my time to make sure I do it correctly.  

Here are some pics of my little sassy girl. Her face has thinned out

My Mom update

Yesterday my mom had a pacemaker put in.  I was told it went ok and she’s ok.  She spent the night in the ER instead of a room.  I remember why I left NY.  My poor mom was basically up all night long.  I'm happy as long as she's ok.  I'll call my sister today to find out more information. 

On another subject, my daughter has been out of control.  According to Brain Balance, she's in a downward trend but it will get better.  We have an observation on Monday and we can watch and ask questions.  This morning when we were getting dressed, she was just hyper out of control.  Couldn't stop moving.  I took her just the way she was (naked) and put her in the chair in the other room.  She was crying because she was cold so I grabbed a small blanket.  I sat with her and asked her to breath deep and look out at the trees. See the yellow leaves among the green.  Listen to the bird talking.  Telling her she has to be quiet if she wants to hear them talking.  It seemed to work.  We were able to continue geting dressed, brushing hair, eating breakfast with minimal problems.  No tablet this morning.  And she didn't ask.  She did so well.  I was impressed with the improvement.  

Some good news and some bad...

I like good news first.  J talked to someone at the LTD office and explained everything to them.  They wanted him to apply for permanent disability or they would only pay a few hundred dollars per month instead of the full entitlement.  They agreed with him that it would be a conflict at this point since he's working at going back to work in about 4 months.  He has some more app at the beginning of June and then the full paperwork can go to the FAA to be reviewed and approved.  He's met each criteria on the checklist and getting the doctors notes as they've asked.  The FAA takes an additional 2 months to approve but I don't see any issues with that.  I'm just grateful he found someone to listen to him.

The bad news.  My sister called me a short time ago.  My mom passed out in Macy's. It's happened before but the doctors could never figure out why.  This time, when the ambulance showed up, they noticed her heart beat was irregular.  Tomorrow she'll be getting a pacemaker.  It's so upsetting.  I wish I can go and visit right now but that's not possible.  I need to plan it out.  But it'll be soon.  

Grateful for step-by-step...

I must say how grateful I am for step-by-step videos.  I'm glad I can rewind and watch it over and over.  Also, so frustrating is that the sites change the way they look so it looks different from what I'm seeing in the videos.  But it seems to be working.  Slowly.  

On another note, Mother's Day was special.  G made something in daycare and it was so awesome.  She wrote "All about my Mom".  I read it and we both had a good laugh.  This was on Friday night.  It was just the two of us and we went to a pizza place to eat out.  She asked for an orange soda and chips while we waited for our pizza. She was so good in there.  Then when we left she asked for a cookie.  I did request she eat it at home but she argued with me.  I had to go get milk for her and she doesn't know how to let things go.  I really wanted her to wait till we got home but she just went on and on. So I gave her the cookie to eat.  I probably should have stuck to my wishes but I try and pick my battles.  The rest of the night went well.  She was tired.  J came home on Saturay, late afternoon while G and I were at the pool.  She really loves the pool.  After about 2 hours we had to leave.  On Mother's day morning, G and J went out and got me breakfast from McDonalds which was lovely.  Then they went out again and came back with a cake that G requested for me.  Rainbow around the cake with white icing.  2 roses and fancy writing.  Strawberry filling.  YUMMY.  We waited to eat till after dinner.  And yes, we had another 2 hours at the pool.  Love the pool.  Love the splashpad.  

Now if Brain Balance therapy would just start working, we'd be in good shape.  

Planning for my online business..

So I'm planning it out. I think it would be wise to get all the pieces put together before I go and watch the building of the website. I'm super excited about this process.  Spark by Clickbank walks you through it step by step.  Accounts are set up, Niche has been selected, now, I'm working on writing some articles or blog posts to have on my site once it's set up.  I'm going to aim for about 5 articles to start with.  Then I'll build the website.  I'll add new articles once a week and hopefully post on facebook to gain traction and have people sign up.  We'll see how that works.  I've been putting a spreadsheet together of expenses so I can keep track of what I spend.  I'm taking it all in slowly and taking my time so I can do it right.  I know there are no guarantees but I also know that consistancy and positive mindset go a long way in making something work. 

Mother's Day coming up this weekend...

Well, J let me down yesterday. He was supposed to leave yesterday and be home today. Instead, he left today and will be home tomorrow. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. G is exhausted from Brain Balance trips. We made it through the week but today is McDonalds day and last week didn't go very well. She was crying and tired but couldn't tell us what was wrong. And when we finally went, she just ate and got upset about the noise. I'm thinking of going to get some pizza and eating at the restaurant.  Maybe she'll like that.  We'll see.  And of course, since I'm working, trying to get packages out in the mail is almost impossible. So Mother's Day for Grandma's will arrive during next week instead.  I seriously can't do everything.  Let's hope someone didn't forget about me on Mother's Day.  

Working on affiliate marketing...

So I've been working every morning before work to learn as much as I can about affiliate marketing.  I'm amazed at what I'm learning. There is so much more to this than I thought and this course through Clickbank is taking me through this step by step.  Giving all the tips necessary to succeed.  Now it's up to me to do the work.  

Find my niche

Create my articles to lead people to my website

How to build content and understand the necessity for not just one article but at least one new article a week.  

Secrets to easy ways to build content

Understanding how to use title tags, keywords, etc to get you noticed.

This is not a get rich quick scheme.  You need to really learn all the basics so you can succeed in the end.  I'm confident of all that I'm learning and can review it as much as I need to.

On another note, we've done almost 2 weeks with Brain Balance.  Every night she has a meltdown of some sort.  I ask her what's wrong and she says "I don't know." Eventually, I can get her settled down.  She did have an incident at school yesterday.  Apparently, she touched a boy's privite parts.  Her teacher called me to let me know.  She talked to G about it and made it clear that you don't touch other people's privite parts because they are privite.  I also talked to her about it and she always deflects.  This one kicked her.  I realized she's trying to change the subject to something else but wouldn't allow it.  I told her I wasn't mad at her but she is not to do that again.  She asked if she can hug and I said only if she asks permission and the other person says yes.  I'll ask her again today to make sure she understood.  Getting that call was not what I expected.  Maybe we need a traditional counselor to talk to her...if I can find one that's available.  

Changing the way we live...

So we did 2 sessions last week at Brain Balance.  It's 1 hour sessions and it'll be 3x/week for the next 6 months. We've put a timer on her tablet so she's limited to 1 hour/day all week and allowed 2 hours/day on the weekend. So far so good.  No tantrums about the tablet so far.  Tonight, J will pick her up and bring her over and I'll stay home and prepare dinner so we're not eating so late.  

I hope this works.  We did the home exercises yesterday and we need to do them on the off days from Brain Balance.  I'm hopeful. I want her to start showing some control over her behavior.  Next week J is going to be leaving to go to IL and I'll be on my own dealing with all of this and figuring out how to prep food for dinner every night.  I'm a bit nervous about it all.  G is so strongwilled and she can be so exhausting.  

Also, this past week I found out my childhood friend, Sharon, passed away.  She had a medical procedure and her heart couldn't take it.  This was a shock to her family as well since she seemed to be stable.  I'm so saddened by this.  She never got to meet G in person.  Now she's an Angel watching over her family and friends.  

I need prayers for our family.  So if anyone is reading, please pray for us.

Brain Balance...

 So we had a consult and evaluation for G at a place called Brain Balance. It's very pricey. They aren't doctors and they don't take insurance. The results of the evaluation were very interesting. They were talking about areas of G when she was born and how she hasn't progressed mentally to the age she is. I can see it too. When she does something and you want to punish with consequences she really doesn't understand why we are doing it. Stop doing that or we'll take away your tablet. The answer would be to stop doing what you're doing but her response is "I want my tablet". So we do see what they see in the evaluation.  Another is her coordination.  She doesn't have it. She can't seem to do a jumping jack. It makes me laugh but now I realize she may not be able to because of her lack of coordination.  Anyway, tt's a 6 month program and it's 3 days a week for an hour. We took a 5 year loan and praying we see some progress from this program. I honestly think we will see some progress. And what were our options? A Psychiatrist we wouldn't be able to meet with till the end of the year if we're lucky? Right now, she's in tutoring 2x week and this will be 3x week, plus she's in the EIP at school  All this work, we should hopefully see some improvement in her behavior and actions.  

Brain Balance Centers

Trying to figure it all out...

Things have been busy here.  Busy at my day job, busy with G and J.  Lot's of doctor appointments for all of us.  I've put my side gig on hold for now.  I'm hoping to do something when J goes back to work.  Right now, I have big stress over money.  Big stress about G and making sure she has what she needs to succeed.  These last 2 weekends were nice.  Last weekend she participated in an egg hunt.  She met up with one of the boys in her Kindergarten class.  That made her day.  And yesterday in the park she played with 2 more kids in her class.  I love that we met up with them.  She was so super happy and running and playing with both of them.  So nice to see her so happy.  This week is Spring Break so she's in daycare all week and one of the kids in her daycare is also in her Kindergarten class.  

Rainbow Butterfly Girl

Rainbow Butterfly Girl with Blue Bunny Ears

When the littles are sick...

Nothing is worse than your child being sick. All you want to do is make it better. Since G's tonsillectomy, she hates meds.  She hates the taste and we have a lot of spitting it out as we try to give her some.  Now she just got diagnosed with Strep and that's nothing to mess with.  Planning on buying a bag of lollipops to use as bribery.  I'll give it a shot.  I just want her to be better and back to her usual self.  Poor girl.   

J is finally home...

Sadly, he came home late after G was already in bed.  Only 3 days later than he had promised her.  He needs to stop doing that. But I'm glad he's home. G can suck the energy out of you.  I love her so much though. I wouldn't change that. I can't wait for the evaluation to be here already and hopefully some therapy to help her.  Maybe us too.  

I've been working hard on fixing up my office and getting organized.  I bought some inexpensive furniture.  The chest of drawers will hold paper supplies and that's where the printer will sit.  It's a rather big printer.  Can't wait to get my office in order.  And it didn't break the bank.  Thank you Walmart for having matching pieces to put my office together.  Its the little things that make things nice.  Happy Thursday to everyone!

Love this cube storage

My new desk

Chest of drawers