How do I survive this...

G seems so unhappy these days.  I think she is becoming more aware of the meds and says she doesn't like them and doesn't like how she feels.  She keeps blaming me for making her feel that way.  I'm at a loss.  She's always saying why does she have to go to school when her friend doesn't.  ( I really don't know what her friends family does and if they do or don't let their daughter stay home more than G.  She is in Kindergarten and G is in 1st Grade).  She wants to have a little sister and blames that on me too.  I wanted her to have a sibling but J didn't want to move forward.  He wanted so much for my age to be an issue and was so upset the Dr gave me the go ahead to try again.  Reality is, he didn't want another child and I'm being blamed by her for not having another.  I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard when your child blames everything on you at such a young age.  She's not grateful for anything she has and I don't know how to get it through to her about that. With our trip to school today, I came home feeling lost and sad.  I don't know how to feel happy anymore.  

Struggles...

I love J but he doesn't always realize he's doing damage to our daughter.  He keeps commenting that he doesn't know how long he'll live like this.  She hears this and I can only imagine whats going on her brain.  She's been super clingy too. I want Daddy, running into Daddy's room, I need Daddy.  It's been over and over again and he says something not right with her.  I want to say, it's you.  You keep telling her it's over for you and you are not going to live much longer.  Every car ride you talk about it with me in the front and her in the back and she hears it.  I say stop.  I don't respond to it anymore.  If I say don't say that, he gets mad and loses it.  It scares me as well.  I'm not immune to his impending death.  I think if keep saying it over and over, eventually you'll accomplish the goal of dying.  Always so negative.  I want my little girl to be ok but he scares me.  And I'm at a loss at how to get him to stop.

So far so good...

This has been G's first week at the new daycare.  So far we like what we see in the place.  The person who runs it, has a child with ADHD and understands all too well.  She's a published author on a childrens book about ADHD.  It's on my list to order.  It's called "My Running Mind" and I'm purchasing it on Amazon.  If anyone is interested in it, I've linked it to the amazon page.  They seem chaotic but yet have total control over the children.  G has been having issues and we've been seeing her in the zone lately.  But they handled it so well.  So much better than just "your daughter is really aggressive"  I keep thinking of that comment and it gets me super angry.  These people are in the business of taking care of children and G is a child.  Have they never managed a child that has ADHD?  I guess they like to be selective with the children they get.  Only those that sit still.  We won't talk about the little boy that asked G if she wanted to see his weenie?  That was G's fault too.  I keep wondering where the adults were while this and other things were going on.  Well, keep praying for my little one and that she's now at the daycare she fits in well with.

The new daycare...

So G started her new daycare.  So far so good.  J thinks its too chaotic and she'll get bad habits there.  Maybe, maybe not.  But she got herself booted from the last one and that's the reality. J is always losing it these days.  She doesn't do what she's supposed to do and he yells that he's going to die soon.  I don't think that's good for her to hear and I'm not sure why he doesn't get it.  He keeps saying it to me as well and it gives me a lot of stress.  He doesn't feel well so everyone has to suffer.  Honestly, I think he'll accomplish dying if he doesn't stop saying it. He is always he should have done this or should have done that.  I'm surprised I'm still alive with the amount of stress he's put me through.  Anyway, G had an episode this morning and all this came up.  She can't control herself and you can say it to her over and over and she doesn't get it.

Another daycare bites the dust...

It's hard to say what happened.  The teacher didn't say G hurt anyone but they were playing with scissors and someone got hurt. So off to Brain Balance and then they called as her session was ending early because G wet herself.  I had J call them back as I didn't want to talk to them.  They said a little girl was hurt and her parents were very upset and G is now not allowed to return to the daycare.  G said they were both playing with the scissors and throwing them and she didn't know how she got hurt.  But G is being blamed for it.  So there it is. This lady said she didn't want G there so now she isn't.  I don't think it's fair and I'm sure she isn't the only one so let her find out.  I know G isn't a perfect little girl.  My heart breaks for her.  I don't want her to think she's no good.  I want her to grow up and realize there are consequences.  She needs to make better decisions.  She needs to know right from wrong and not go down the path of wrong because others are doing it.  How do I get her to understand that?  How do I get through to her?

J is home and the story gets crazy...

So J came home on Friday.  He went to pick her up at the daycare with the hope of talking to that lady that has it out for G.  She was gone for the day so J talked to her teacher.  He told her what's going on and she was shocked.  She was the one who saw the boy and G doing something inappropriate.  She didn't think it was as bad as was relayed to us.  J also mentioned that the documentation is being used as a report to get G dismissed.  I was the one who asked for the reports so I can know what to talk to her therapist about when we finally get one.  This lady said to me we'll see how it goes and if in a couple of weeks we'll talk about unenrollment.  So why am I paranoid?  This is why.  Why am I stressed? This is why.  Her teacher said she had a pretty much perfect day.  Everything went so well.  Her teacher had no idea the reports were being used like that.  I should ask her to also document when she's having a wonderful day and just being a little girl enjoying her life.  I hate this woman right now.  G isn't a troublemaker.  She's a 6 year old little girl.  She's smart. She's sassy. She's outgoing. And she's the class clown but she's loving and sweet.  She wants to do everything herself but when she can't get's angry.  We are working on that.  We are working on her ADHD.  Small steps.  I feel like there are so many judgemental people out there.  G doesn't conform to what others want her to be and that frustrates them.  When you think you'll get one reaction, you wind up getting another.  But nothing is wrong with her that would justify being singled out like she is.  Please pray for my little girl.  She doesn't need to be treated like this.  

Waiting for the shoe to drop...

Yes, that's how I'm feeling right now. Today they had a field trip to a movie.  I'm worried.  She can't sit still for long and I'm sure it'll be used against her.  I found a poem and I can't stop listening to the words on the ballad put together.  I wound up creating a reel on facebook and I've been listening to the words over and over.

Wild Child by Jessica Ulrich

Pray for my daughter, pray for my family.  I want her to grow up to be a happy, successful, well-rounded woman.  I don't want these things to affect her but i'm afraid it will.  

My heart hurts for her…

 I love my little girl so much.  Lately she has been making bad choices.  At daycare a little boy wanted her to kiss his weenie.  They made a game of it and she isn’t 100 percent understanding what she did wrong. He’s her friend and she thinks it’s ok to go that.  Now the lady at daycare is picking G apart for anything that happens.  The teachers write reports and this lady blows them out of proportion.  I’m scared for her.  I feel like she’s disgusted with G and wants her gone from the daycare.  J is feeling that too.  I worry how she’ll feel if they kick her out and we need to find another daycare.  G is smart but she’s immature for her age.  We’re working to improve that but singling her out like this isn’t right.  J is coming home tomorrow and will go speak to this lady directly.  Right now I’m too emotional about it.  I need to know what path to take.  I’m praying G-d can show me the way

Unsure about what happened yesterday...

Yesterday we went to the pool party.  It was nice but really crowded and G met some of her school friends at the pool and really enjoyed herself.  It went downhill from there.  Crying and not listening well at all.  Somewhat improved after eating.  Got her into a bath and I did some cleaning up while she played in the tub.  Dried her hair and we read a book together (she's doing so well with that) and watched a show on youtube for a few minutes before putting her to bed.  However, she didn't go to bed.  She couldn't sleep and kept getting up and coming in my room.  Can I go potty, can we have perogies, I hear a woodpecker at my window, I hear booming (fireworks).  This went on all night till she came in and asked if she can sleep in my room.  When she settled down, she didn't settle down.  Legs up and down.  I finally put the TV on because it was apparent no sleeping was happening.  I can't have another night like this.  It made me angry and I was angry with her. And of course, she cried when she got up because she was so freaking tired.  I need to figure out what to do.  I took away her tablet but her motor wouldn't stop.  I purchased some supplements and hoping this will help her get settled down.  Please pray for us.

My Mom update

Yesterday my mom had a pacemaker put in.  I was told it went ok and she’s ok.  She spent the night in the ER instead of a room.  I remember why I left NY.  My poor mom was basically up all night long.  I'm happy as long as she's ok.  I'll call my sister today to find out more information. 

On another subject, my daughter has been out of control.  According to Brain Balance, she's in a downward trend but it will get better.  We have an observation on Monday and we can watch and ask questions.  This morning when we were getting dressed, she was just hyper out of control.  Couldn't stop moving.  I took her just the way she was (naked) and put her in the chair in the other room.  She was crying because she was cold so I grabbed a small blanket.  I sat with her and asked her to breath deep and look out at the trees. See the yellow leaves among the green.  Listen to the bird talking.  Telling her she has to be quiet if she wants to hear them talking.  It seemed to work.  We were able to continue geting dressed, brushing hair, eating breakfast with minimal problems.  No tablet this morning.  And she didn't ask.  She did so well.  I was impressed with the improvement.  

She's the energizer bunny...

OMG. She doesn't stop moving. She doesn't stop going. She's just having fun but she goes and goes and goes. She goes in a zone and doesn't stop. No matter how much I tell her to stop and do something, she keeps on going and going and going. I hate the thought of mind altering drugs but we do need to do something. She was running toward her foam chair meaning to hit her head into the foam but instead she when head on into the wall. I'm sure you can figure out that didn't go well. Can't wait for the evaluation to take place.

Lot's to work on...

So these last few weeks seem to be getting slightly better.  I don't want to deceive myself and think she's doing so much better because I'm sure I'll get disappointed if I do that.  But it looks like she's really trying to do better and I love her for trying so hard.  This week was hard.  G got sick at daycare on Wednesday and had a rough night with throwing up and a fever.  Thursday she still had some fever but recovered well.  It was so bizarre because Wednesday morning we took her to the ENT and she was fine.  That evening she got sick.  So quick.  But the word from the ENT is that they want to do surgery to remove her adenoids and tonsils.  The Dr does think it's a contributing factor in her behavior.  Then Thursday, J went alone to the pediatrician to discuss her behavior and the screening.  They want to try meds but the opposite of a stimulant.  More of a sedative to slow her down.  J also wanted to not do the surgery till we move but I'm against that.  I think it'll make a huge difference in her life.  I told J I would speak to the counselor about the meds and my concerns.  Also about the concern of waiting to do surgery.  J leaves tomorrow and will be home by the end of the week.  Might be nice to have the bed to myself and the TV.  

Trying to get answers...

Moving has been hard.  Hard on all of us but especially G.  She has not been accepting of this move.  In the last week, I've seen some changes.  A little better than before.  I've been trying to spend more time with her.  I need to be consistent with that.  That's my new goal for her.  Every day, we get at least 10 minutes of Giuli time.  Play whatever game she wants to play.  I want to build happy memories of us spending time together.  But I have to admit, something is not always right with her.  When she goes downhill, she hits the ground hard.  I know she doesn't realize what she's doing so trying to stop her is hard and exhausting.  Tomorrow we have the ENT appointment.  One of the pieces of the puzzle coming together.  On Thursday, we talk to her Dr about the Vanderbilt Assessment we turned in.  Praying one of these doctors can help get Giuli the help she needs.  She's not a bad child.  But this move didn't bring out the best in her.  Change is not something she likes but it's the way life goes.  It doesn't help that we still live out of boxes.  J refuses to accept living here but I try to make things normal for her.  It's not about him, it's about taking care of G and making sure she's ok.  But she'll be ok.  I'm positive about that.  We love her and will do anything to make sure she's ok.

Little Girl Problems...

Things have been tough in August and now September.  G is not adjusting well to doing the right thing when she's on the van to the daycare or even at daycares.  We are now on daycare #3 and I'm praying it will go smoothly or we are screwed.  We have her in counseling now too.  We go as a family and she seems to like the therapist.  He knows how to talk to her and she has a positive reaction.  He doesn't think she has ADHD but that she's just having an issue adjusting to new environments.  He pointed that out too.  In his office, she sat down and drew a picture for him.  She was totally focused on what she was doing. She wasn't out of control or doing anything wrong.  I just love her to death and hate that she's so angry inside that she doesn't know how to manage it.  To add to the difficulty these days, both J and I have been ill as well so managing a disobedient child is so hard to do.  We also started noticing some issues with Giuli and breathing at night.  She's snoring and at one point she stopped breathing.  She then kicks violently and starts all over again.  We got her to the Dr and sent her for an x-ray.  She has large adenoids and tonsils so we need to get to an ENT.  Currently, I put her back on Flonase and that seems to help with her sleeping right now.  If she has interrupted sleep that could contribute to some of her bad behavior.  Not all of it.  We need to work on behavior modification at home as well.  I guess we failed on that and wish we had started it sooner.  Now we have an angry 5-year old that gets out of control when she's tired or overstimulated.  The Dr had her teacher and us fill out the Vanderbilt assessment but right now, I'm against mind-altering meds to fix her behavior.  We need to work on that at home and hopefully, she'll get it.  I need to get myself together.  I have an hour before we pick her up and I need to not be so emotional.  I'm just feeling so sad right now.  Feeling ill doesn't help either.