How do I survive this...

G seems so unhappy these days.  I think she is becoming more aware of the meds and says she doesn't like them and doesn't like how she feels.  She keeps blaming me for making her feel that way.  I'm at a loss.  She's always saying why does she have to go to school when her friend doesn't.  (I really don't know what her friends family does and if they do or don't let their daughter stay home more than G.  She is in Kindergarten and G is in 1st Grade).  She wants to have a little sister and blames that on me too.  I wanted her to have a sibling but J didn't want to move forward.  He wanted so much for my age to be an issue and was so upset the Dr gave me the go ahead to try again.  Reality is, he didn't want another child and I'm being blamed by her for not having another.  I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard when your child blames everything on you at such a young age.  She's not grateful for anything she has and I don't know how to get it through to her about that. With our trip to school today, I came home feeling lost and sad.  I don't know how to feel happy anymore.  

Drained...

It's been a long week.  We made it through.  It was hard.  J is back home and Giuli is happier than ever.  I'm still trying to work on getting Giuli to listen to me.  Sometimes she just ignores me and does what she wants.  Yesterday, the daycare tried to help me by saying to her she needs to apologize for what she did. Sadly, she doesn't always seem to understand her actions.  And of course, lots of loud noises and crying on the way home as a result.  I wish I had the knowledge to fix what's going on inside of her.  We're still trying to find ABA care for her.  Just sitting on the waitlist and waiting for another to provide us with the assessment they did.  Everything takes so long to get done.  I'm glad her school started doing extra with her.  She goes to something called Lunch Bunch.  I think she likes it too.  Yesterday, she got 2 tokens so I told her if she can do that every day, I'll give her a matching dollar.  She wants to go to Target and she needs money for that.  Hoping a goal like that will give her incentive to do well in school. 

Praying for change in 2024

2023 was a hard year.  We had G evaluated and found out she has Level 1 Autism.  A lot makes sense now but still dealing with her being so difficult with lots of big emotions and no way to handle it.  Hoping for help from Autism Learning Centers but we'll see.  I'm not impressed with the speed they want you to take but not them.  We've called and had our paperwork done and now waiting again till they are ready to call us.  This started at the end of November so you can see why I'm frustrated.  And right now, I'm ready to go out with G for the afternoon but she's just whining.  I can't do this or that.  I can't brush my teeth, I can't walk, I can only whine very loudly.  I love my girl but this part of her is hard.  She doesn't say what's wrong.  Just gets mad and actsw out.  Doesn't say something happened or what's making her upset even if she knows why.  ON PAUSE

I'm back.  She's now having hot cocoa and watching her tablet.  She's still a mess but happier.  I on the other hand have fear and worry in the next month.  I don't know how I'll pay our bills.  I just don't know anymore.  Jim keeps saying wait.  Always has regret about something.  I should have done this instead of that.  I should have done that instead of this.  Never happy with decisions.  My bank accounts have been drained and I'm thinking I need to get a part time job.  He won't do it.  I'm the one who will have to work and work and work and take care of G and clean the house and run around while he takes care of himself.  I've never seen anyone in my life procrastinate as much as he does.  I'm stressed about this, about that, etc.  I'm just so fed up with it all.  And super tired today.  Low energy.  

Maybe, just maybe, I need to take care of myself for once.  

HAPPY 2024.  PRAYING FOR PEACE, LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE