Dreaded two week wait is over.....

....and the answer is another BIG FAT NEG.  I won't say that I'm not disappointed, discouraged and sad that my embies didn't survive and implant.  It hurts so much.  I feel so empty.  I have a black hole in me that will never be complete.  Women who get pregnant easily are so lucky.  They'll never have to feel the disappointment month after month, year after year.  I'm sure they have other challenges but right now I wish I was in there shoes.  People say "relax and it will happen".  News Flash people, after 8 years I'm sure my relaxation techniques aren't the issue.  At least J was home when I got the call.  I'm glad he was home this time.  I handled it much better than the last time.  What's funny is that later that day we were leaving Walmart and the Ultrasound Tech that called to give me the bad news was coming into Walmart.  She probably hates that part of her job.  I know what it feels like to be the messenger and it's not an easy thing to do.  I'm sure the last thing she wanted to see is one of the people she had to call and give bad news to.   Well, I'm not going to give up.  I'm feeling tired and have cramps on and off but I'll survive and try again.  I am reading a lot on things like DHEA.  I'm going to do some research and see what my RE says about it.  I'm feeling like I'm running out of options so it's that and hopefully some sort of change in diet. 

The dreaded two week wait....

Okay.  So yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I got a cab company to come and take me to the hospital.  It was only a $5 fare.  That part went well.  They check me in and they had no beds available so they set me up in a room with only a reclining chair and some plastic bags since once they took me into the OR, they would move my stuff to my room.  So, then the nurse comes in for vitals including taking a sample of blood.  She couldn't find a vein and insisted on using the back of my hand.  I really hate that.  Anyway, she then gives me my Valium and it hits me hard.  Man I was flying high.  Of course, my RE comes in while I'm high on the Valium so I'm not completely sure what he said.  He seemed pleased, I think he mentioned hatching, then I was put on a gurney/bed and whisked off to the OR.  Room full of nurses, embryologist, ultrasound tech, etc.and I'm exposed from the waist down for all to see.  If I wasn't so high on the Valium, I might have been more embarrassed.  Things were a little different this time.  They covered my legs before placing in the stirrups and this time strapped them down.  I don't think they did that the first time.  I don't recall so many people in the OR the last time either.  Anyway, after they took me back to my room to rest.  I was still quite out of it and my RE came in to check on me.  I should have asked him then what he said to me before the transfer but I was still rather out of it.  Then I found out I needed to have my blood drawn again because they screwed up with the lab on the first test.  She tried to get me in my arm, then switched to my hand above the thumb.  I don't like the nurses getting blood from me in those places.  In fact it really upsets me when I have bruises all over the place.  So, I wait the appropriate amount of time and the nurse comes in and give me a phone number to call the cab company.  The dispatcher says he can only do it for 15.  I live less than 5 minutes away and he also said, I should call when I'm outside because it will take hours to get out, he knows.  Anyway, I call the cab company that took me and it turns out to be the same people.  I asked him why the fare went up 10 from a few hours earlier and then I hung up on him.  Luckily, I had another # so I called them.  They showed up in 20 minutes and they didn't have to wait for me.  I was already discharged.  Anyway, I'm now home and resting on my second day after transfer.  I'm feeling positive that this will be the one.  I imagine my embies snuggling in my uterus and making a home for the next nine months.  I hope they want to stay with me and J.  I really hope and pray that God will let them grow into beautiful babies for us to care for forever. 

Getting ready for the dreaded 2ww....

Well, I had my ER on 4/1.  Guess I was getting an April Fools joke played on me because I was told I had 6 eggs retrieved.  Today my RE called me and told me only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized so I'm in the same boat as last month.  I want to be positive.  I know it only takes 1 good embryo.  The other thing that is getting me down is that J won't be here for the transfer.  He left today.  Sometimes I feel like he would rather not be around me lately.  He seemed eager to leave.  I'm sure that's not the case.  He's tried to get his trip swapped so he could be here but it didn't work out. He's seems to have a knack for stressing me out lately.  Maybe it's better that he's not here.  Maybe my stress level will be lower if I don't have to hear about how calling in sick is risking his current job and future jobs.  I've waited for years to get pregnant and he is unknowingly sabotaging my every chance.   I don't lay the guilt trip on him by saying over and over how because of him we waited too long to have a baby.  We should have gone to a specialist 5 years ago but that wasn't an option for us then.   I'm here in the Chicagoland area far away from family.  I have a few friends here but most of my closest friends are located in the east coast.  I have no one else but J to depend on and sometimes I feel like I am totally on my own.  Anyway, my transfer is on Monday so I need to prepare so I can rest as much as possible.  I want those days to be as relaxing as possible. 

Frustrated and uncomfortable...

Well, I thought I would be doing this on Wed.  My RE has thrown a monkey-wrench into the whole plan.  The plan was to trigger tonight and do the retrieval on Wed.  Well, he wants me to continue with the meds till Wed and come back for yet another blood test and ultrasound to see if I'm ready to trigger.  I'm super uncomfortable.  I'm running out of spots to inject myself that aren't bruised.  Plus, now I have to take so much additional time off and J is working on the day of transfer.  I really hate the idea of having to do this alone.  I was also so super stressed waiting for the nurse to call me tonight.  I was getting so freaked out.  I didn't hear back from them till 5:40.  I was afraid they left a message on someone else's phone but they didn't.  It turned out that they also had to get me re-scheduled for Friday.  That's what took so much time to do.  Anyway, that's my update on this IVF cycle.  Retrieval set for April Fools Day.  Woo hoo.

Getting closer to the big day...

I've been going through monitoring Wed, Fri, and will be going in tomorrow.  Looks like I'm progressing much faster this time around.  They are counting 6 follicles this time and they are getting bigger.  I'm hoping on Monday that my estrogen will be high enough for me to do the trigger shot and retrieval on Wed.  Let's just pray that it all works out that way.  J can't afford to take anymore time off and I'm getting some issues at my job too.  I can't arrange for coverage every time.  I really hope this works and I wound up pregnant.  Otherwise, next time, I'm not telling anyone and just going to call in sick last minute.  It's not right that I have to figure out coverage for my days off.  Anyway, I really don't need the added stress.  Right now, I abdomen feels swollen and sore.  I'm very hopeful this time around that it will work.  Please God let this be our time. 

Ready, Set, Go.....

Ok.  Here I go again.  I'm going to start IVF #2 and of course, J wants to go to a job fair on 4/1 in LAS and it's possible that my egg retrieval will be on that day.  I really have no idea.  I'm hoping it won't be.  Maybe it won't happen that way.  Maybe I'll respond sooner or later.  I really have no idea how this all works.  Will the timing be exactly the same as it was the first time?  I guess I can ask my RE.  They'll be able to tell me how things may work out.  Right now, it's just stressing me out.  Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't consider my feelings more.  Anyway, I start my stims tomorrow.  My RE has increased my Follistim dosage to 300 UI in the AM and PM.  I start in the PM.  I still don't know what went wrong.  The test results from my blood test haven't come in yet.  I'm hoping that test has the answers to why the 1st IVF failed.  At least then, we can move forward with a plan.  If not, we are just moving forward anyway and hope that this time it takes.   I think tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the gym and do some exercise.  Walking on the treadmill.  I think it will do me some good as I need to do something to relieve the stress.  Work has been super busy and I don't want anything stress me out too much. 

Excited again...

Had my app with my RE  this past week. I was pleasantly surprised by what he said.  I was sure he was going to say we should look at donor eggs but he didn't.  He said my eggs were great quality even though he only got 3 at retrieval.  He said they fertilized into Grade 1, 8 cell embryo's and that they were perfect.  He even showed us the pictures of the embryos.  He doesn't know why they didn't implant.  I go on Monday for a blood test to see if I have antibodies that kill the embryos.  If I do, I'll need to take Heparin shots.  No big deal since I'm already a pincushion.  So, we are going to try this all over again.  I got all my meds delivered and I'm ready for my next IVF cycle.  He's increasing my meds to try to get more produced this time.  Maybe the extra meds will help my tired ovaries grow more eggs and hopefully the same good quality as last time.  I've been taking extra vitamins for months now.  I'm hoping that they have helped. 

Maybe everything does happen for a reason...

Well, I'm anxiously waiting to meet with my RE regarding this failed IVF cycle.  After talking to J on Friday, I told him that I hope I don't get another call from the office cancelling.  He didn't think that would happen but believe it or not, I got a call that the Dr. will be in surgery on Monday during my appointment time.  I was almost upset but they gave me an appointment for the next day at 5PM.  The good part is that J will now be able to be at the appointment.  The other 2 cancelled appointments he was working.  I'm used to doing things on my own but I'd rather him be with me during these appointments.  It's a team effort and luckily, all the past appointments he was able to come to as well.  This is why I was thinking that maybe everything happens for a reason and the reason the other appointments were cancelled is because J couldn't make it. 

I'm also glad to say that my mood has definitely improved.  I can't believe how down I was.  It's not like me to be depressed but this whole thing can really take an emotional toll on a person.  I remember the Dr. mentioning at one of the consults that this is all so emotional but at the time I didn't feel it yet.  I handed my life over to them.  They took blood and did ultrasounds and gave me direction on the next steps every other day.  I had no emotional stress at all.  I think the emotional part started in the middle of the 2ww.  It was the hardest part of all and then the disappointment at the end of that.  Add J not being here as well.  I think it's safe to say I lost it and in the process learned valuable lessons.  I think I need to keep this fertility stuff to myself for the next try.  I don't want to have to explain to anyone about the disappointment of not being pregnant.  If it works out then I'll have some positive news but until then, just J and I will know what's going on.  Also, I decided that for the next time, I will take the day off when I go for the pregnancy test.  Being at work and getting that news just killed me to try to act normal.  I couldn't function.  All I could think about was that I was a failure as a woman.  Perhaps before I wasn't ovulating but this was different.  I had 2 embryos places in my uterus and they didn't live.  What is wrong with me?  Did I do something wrong in those 2 weeks to make that happen?  I just wanted to cry and I was at work and couldn't.  It took everything to drive home and make it in the house before breaking down.  It's been 3 weeks since then so I'm feeling much better.  The extra hormones are out of my system and I think my ovaries are finally feeling normal again.  Ok, to be continued on Tuesday......

Lost....

Not really sure what to call it anymore.  Lost, depression, anxiety.  Any way you look at it, it's all just sadness.  I'm trying to not feel that way but feeling are what they are.  You can't just shut off feelings of sadness.  No, I don't want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to be happy but I'm not.  Since I've found out that the IVF didn't work I've been holding on till my appointment with the RE.  Well, I got a call from the office and they had to re-schedule due to other IVF's the Dr is handling on Monday.  I know the urgency of IVF and that possibly the same thing happened while I was getting my retrieval and transfer done.  It's hard to know how people will respond to the meds so appointments need to be flexible.  It's not logical but I feel like it didn't work and now the doctor doesn't want to be bothered with me.  I'm just a failure and he needs to work on IVF's that will be successful.  I know that is ridiculous to even think but I'm not feeling so great about myself these days and getting that phone call almost made me start crying uncontrollably but I managed to think of other things and get through the day without tears.  I need to relax.  I came home, fixed myself a rum and coke, got a nice bubble bath going and relaxed.  I think it's helped.  Anyway, I just want to know what the next steps are and start moving on it.  I need to know if my RE thinks we can do this again with my eggs?  I really want to but I think I will do what he recommends.  I only have 3 more tries before the insurance won't cover it and really, my goal is to be a mom.  Using DE will also reduce the risks associated with older eggs.  It's something to consider.  I want to be able to have healthy babies.  I just need to get the ball rolling.  I feel like I'm running out of time and that makes me feel desperate. 

Waiting for next steps and feeling normal....

Well, this proved to be an interesting week.  On Tuesday-Wednesday, I had the worst headache.  I took Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin PM.  It wouldn't go away.  Went to sleep with it, woke up with it, went to work with it.  Finally, on Wed, I decided to go to the urgent care and see if they could give me something stronger or at least determine if it was migraine or sinus.  I explained the whole IVF and failure and going off of all the meds.  She agreed it could be that but wanted to call an ambulance to rush me to the ER so they can run tests for aneurysm or brain tumor.  Really, a tumor.  Come on.  I was so pissed off.  I said no, signed a crap load of papers so I can leave against there recommendation and went home crying.  The pain was awful.  I spent an hour and half in that place, paid them money and got nothing.  I wound up taking Excedrin Migraine.  It gave me the shakes, kept me up all night but amazingly, the headache finally went away that evening.  I still don't feel like myself yet.  Still get cramps every once in awhile and some spotting.  I also go through bouts of highs and lows.  One minute I'm happy the next depressed.

I have my RE appointment next week to see where we go next.  I had been so excited that we got good eggs and that they fertilized and they were grade 1, 8 cell.  I want to understand what went wrong but my feeling is that its because of me.  That even though the eggs were good there was still something wrong with them.  All these years of waiting and now I am afraid that I won't be able to have a child with my genetics.  I pray and hope that my RE says we can still use my eggs.  I really want to.  J says we should go with what the doctor recommends because really the goal is to have a  baby.  To have a family.  I know that he's right but at the same time it hardly seems fair.  I felt so close to achieving our goal of making a baby.  We had my eggs fertilized with J's sperm and created an embryo.  A potential baby.  I spoke to them.  I hoped that they would have the will to implant and live but that didn't happen.  And I can't help feeling like it was my fault.  That my eggs aren't good enough.  That I'm not good enough.  I've tried to explain my feeling to J but he just doesn't get it.  He doesn't understand that I feel broken.  I feel like less of a woman because of this.  I guess I just need to wait till next week to hear what the doctor has to say.

Anyway, it's only a week and in the meantime, I'm doing stuff for me.  I went to the gym today for the 1st time in months.  I couldn't run because I still have pain in my lower abdomen but I did a brisk walk for 30 minutes.  It felt good and I plan to do it again this week.  All it takes is small steps to make lifelong changes.

I'm officially PUPO

PUPO - Pregnant until proven otherwise.  I can't believe I've come this far in the process.  Each step has been so stressful.  Doing the stims and getting the ultrasounds and blood tests every other day.  Trying to understand the numbers they were giving me, etc.  I had 5 follicles but only 3 eggs at the retrieval procedure.  Luckily, 2 fertilized and my RE assured us that they were good quality.  Grade 1 and 8 cells.  I even got a picture of the embryo's after they did the transfer.  And I know, I know, silly as it is, I've been talking to them hoping that they have a will to live and grow up with us.  I'm praying for them but I know it's in God's hands now and I really can't do anything more except follow the doctors instructions.  Now I still need to go for BW on Thurs and I think again on Monday.  Not sure yet if I'll need a booster shot of the HCG or not.  I guess my hormone levels will tell the tale.  Anyway, I'm on 3 days of bedrest.  I get to get up on Thursday to go to work and give more blood.  Till then.

I did it, I can't believe it but I did it.....

I have done one whole day of Follistim injections on my own.  I was shaking for the first one this morning.  I held the pen needle near my belly saying over and over "OK, just do it, OK, just do it, I can do it, OK, just do it"  Finally, I just went and stabbed myself.  Couldn't believe it.  It didn't even hurt.  I had myself all worked up and it didn't even hurt.  Of course, it was because I was so worked up.  I did sort of feel it tonight when I did it.  I hope this goes by quickly.  The Ultrasound tech said it will go by quickly.  I hope in one month I am preggo.  Please, God, I so want to experience pregnancy, birth and motherhood.  I so want this to work.  I've waited so long and have been so patient. 

Yikes....

I'm excited, scared, exhausted, moody and achy.  My stomach feels funny.  I feel nauseous.   I've been taking birth control pills for this month and I think they are making me feel ill.  Thank goodness it's only for one month.  Then I start the stims for the IVF.  I am getting the meds delivered by Fed Ex tomorrow.  It seems crazy.  It's here already.  Please let this work out.  I want to be a momma so badly.  I'm so glad J is doing his part.  We both still need to go in for blood work and take 10 days of antibiotics. 

On a sad note, Yeager is not doing well.  Yesterday, J had to take him to the vet to drain the fluid around his lungs again.  It's awful to see him struggling to breath.  The vet said it's only a matter of time.  They think he has lymphoma.  They will keep draining the fluid for now but eventually, he'll stop eating and he will go into shutdown.  Just thinking about it makes my heart break.  He's been such a comfort to me all these years.  We have a special bond.  He knows when I'm upset and works hard to make me happy.  I've really never seen anything like it before.  A part of me thinks he's still alive because of his will to live.  If it's even possible, I'd say that Yeager loves me and doesn't want to leave me and that has given him the drive to go on.  But this cancer isn't something that will just go away.  He's used his nine lives.  Now, we just have to wait for the inevitable moment to come.

It's starting to feel real....

It's the middle of Dec and I'm getting ready to start the IVF train.  My RE prescribed BCP (I had thought I wasn't going on them but I guess it helps them with timing)  WIN Fertility called and verified all the medications they are ordering.  I'll be getting a total of 9 drugs.  Antibiotics, injection drugs, pills, etc....All for 1 cycle of IVF.  I'm hoping I only need to do this once.  Anyway, I feel excited and overwhelmed.  Work is busy as hell and hopefully, it won't stress me out.  That's the last thing I need.  I did tell a few people at work so when I lose it because of the drugs they'll realize and not hold it against me.  I mean just a few days ago I lost it over a paper clip. Anyway, it's looking like I'll start the injections the week of Jan 9th sometime.  Hopefully, by Feb I'll be pregnant.  Please let this work.  I've been praying every day for this to work.  I know it's possible.  Women older than me can still get pregnant then I can too.  Please God, let me have the opportunity to become a Mom.  It's all I've ever wanted. 

Feeling Down...

I'm usually okay with being alone on holidays.  I'm used to it.  But today I've felt especially sad and lonely.  I'm just not sure why this time I feel this way.  J asked me if I wanted to with him to CHS and eat with him at Waffle House.  Except he asked me on Tuesday and I would have had to leave on Wed after my RE appointment.  Plus, we don't have any extra money and I would have to put the charges for parking on the credit card.  And the cats need meds twice a day.  It just seemed like too much to figure out on such short notice.  I am thinking about it for New Years though.  That might be more doable although I am still worried about the airport screening.  It would be nice to be with him even if it is a quick trip. Maybe that's what I need right now.  A trip with my husband.  The winters here are so awful.  Last year was one of the worst for us.  I had to work crazy hours during bad winter conditions in a car that has bad tires and temperamental 4 wheel drive. I couldn't even consider going anywhere with him.  We had absolutely no extra money.  But things are looking better these days with money.  We aren't feeling the same worry.  Plus, we did have a small victory.  We were able to pay off the "loan shark loan".  It felt great to be done with them.   That's an extra 355 per month in our pocket and I have a plan to get us saving.  We'll need to.  1st, we have to take care of the other loan against our home.  Then we will need to have funds available for when we have a baby.  I'm hoping by the end of next year we'll have a little one in the house with us.  I'm praying that all goes well in January. 

The crazy fertility journey among other worries.....

Well, today I called my RE's office.  He wasn't in so I will have to wait till tomorrow to find out what the next steps are.  The nurse was thinking I need to start on Birth Control Pills but I don't know.  She said it's not a matter of if but when, since my IVF will be in Jan.  The purpose of these pills is to change my cycle date so that it is more convenient with the doctor's office schedule.  Makes sense so far.  I've been keeping up on a fertility forum and I'm learning a lot by reading everyone's posts.  The process is very involved and things change daily.  My worry is about J.  He said not to worry about when he needs to be there.  He'll make it happen even if it requires a doctors note from my doctor.  I'm sure they will give it to him.  I just don't want him to get into any sort of trouble. 

That's not the only thing I worry about these days.  Lately, I have been obsessed with the new TSA procedures.  I just don't know if I can fly knowing what they will do.  I have seen numerous stories in the news about various incidents.  It all scares me so much that I can't watch them anymore.  I am not sure how safe these machines are.  Of course the government says they are safe but they say a lot of things without offering proof.  I'm also not crazy about forfeiting my rights by being molested by a stranger. So, I guess that means no flying for me because I won't submit to that naked body scanners and groping that they use all in the name of implied SAFETY.  J has said he hasn't had to go through them yet but I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth.  Anyway, it's starting to look like some of the things the TSA are doing are starting to change due to public outrage.  Once it changes, maybe I'll think of taking a trip somewhere.

Overwhelmed....

Well, we had our appointment yesterday.  Not what I was expecting.  I had hoped we have an easier time of this but that is not our destiny.  If we are to be successful in having a baby then we will need to do IVF.  We are going to give it try since we do have some sort of chance.  1st month is a dry run.  No drugs invovled except possibly a 10 day supply of antibiotics.  Then I get to learn how to give myself injections of hormones.  I hope they don't make me crazy.  I'm not looking forward to that part.  I feel a little scared and emotional about the whole thing too.  Right now, anything can make me cry.  I just keep trying not to think about it but it comes back to me.  And worse than that, I really need people to be positive but sometimes they don't think.  For instance, someone tells me it will probably take a long time anyway to do this.  More than once because the first time won't work.  Why would someone say that to me.  They didn't go thru it and really don't know what can happen all because they had one friend that went thru it and happened to them this way.  Why does that mean it will happen to me.  Maybe it will work on the first try.  I need to be hopeful.  I'm feeling lost right now.  J is gone till next week so I'm all alone and feel really sad.  I wish we didn't wait so long for us to have a baby.  If we had started trying 13 years ago, things might have been different.  We might not have had these issues or maybe we would have but now I'm at the end of the line.  It's now or never.  Next step for me is menopause.  I don't think I can consider the rest of my life childless.  J says he wants kids and he has come with me to the doctors office so far.  He seems on board and knows that this is the last chance for us to have a child.  I just have so much anxiety right now.  I need to figure out how to relax.  Maybe I'll go to the gym.  It might help.

Next Steps....

Well, today is the day we find out what our options are for having a baby.  I think everything will be alright.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I have been anxiously waiting for this appointment to arrive.  I have tried not to think about it, stress about it, worry about it and now we'll know by the afternoon what is going to happen.  I'm worried about having to give myself hormone shots.  I don't know if I can do it.  I once stabbed myself by accident with my cats diabetic needle.  It made me cry for a second.  If it hurts like that I don't know what I'll do.  I guess one step at a time.  Need to find out what the doctor has in mind first.  Then, I can freak out about shots I may need to give myself.  Yuck. 

Ok, enough of that.  J has been home more often in October and it was great.  It's also great now that I don't have to drive him to the airport and back all the time.  It was so exhausting for the last 2 years.  Trying to figure out how to leave work and pick him up so he didn't have to stay at the airport too long.  Getting up at 4AM to drop him off at the airport and me arriving at my job at 7AM when I don't have to be in till 8:30.  I hated it.  I was exhausted all the time.  Always on the run to airport, needing to fill up my gas tank.  I wish we lived closer to airport and it wouldn't be such a haul.  Right now, from my home, it takes 45 minutes.  From my job it takes 50 minutes.  Either way it sucks but I don't have to do it anymore.  Unless, he drives to his base and then flies home.  We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  Anyway, looks like November may not be that great.  He'll be home once a week for a full day as long as he has no commute issues (ha, who am I kidding...it's November and I can smell the snow coming now).  And of course, he is working on Thanksgiving so I'll be home alone.  We may celebrate on Tuesday (if he gets home) because he needs to fly back on Wed.  Oh well, maybe next year I can go visit family on Thanksgiving.  We'll see what next year brings.

Moving Forward.....

The last 5 years have been hard on us.  It's hard to believe that 5 years have passed since our lives changed.  I got laid off at my job, J's company went bankrupt and shut down.  We've been struggling ever since.  We've had our own bankruptcy to deal with and have been trying to re-build ever since.  J even had to take a job back in VA while I stayed here and held down the fort at the home front.  Luckily that was only for about 10 months.  He got a job with a regional airline just before all the companies stopped hiring. He's twittered on the edge of reserve for the last two years.  Gratefully, we were happy that he had a job but no movement in the seniority list for these last two years have been gruelling.  Thank god that hiring has finally started again. 



Another big movement for us is that we are finally moving forward, aggressively, with trying to have a baby.  I've had lots of testing done and now I am waiting to find out what the doctor has in mind to assist us in getting pregnant.  I can't wait.  It's been hard for me.  I'm in my 40's now and know my time is running out.  Even my doctor said something to me about it.  It really got me scared to move on this.  If J was home on a regular basis this wouldn't be as much of an issue because it doesn't look like anything is wrong with either of us.  But he is rarely home because of his low seniority number and bad schedules and I don't have time to wait for a good schedule to come along.  It's now or never.