Wondering....

Sometimes I feel like I go through life wishing it was a day later.  Every Monday is dreaded and can't wait for it to end.  Then Tuesday goes by and I'm thankful that Wednesday will be here and it's the middle of the week.  Wednesday is good because I know I'm in the middle and at the end of the day I will be looking forward to Thursday because now I only have 2 days left till the end.  And of course, Friday comes and I ever so grateful because now I have Sat and Sun off to relax.  I feel like I wish my life away and now that I'm in my 40's I have nothing to show for it.  I've spent so much time wishing for the next day to come.  Now I'm wishing for the time to go by so we can start our next IVF treatment.  I'm excited about it but at the same time it still feels like a lifetime away.  I'm worried about so much.  Right now, it's not looking good my previous IVF getting paid for by the insurance.  The last few weeks I've talked to the RE's office and I've been getting the run around.  They knew my company was being sold and they told me the procedure would be paid for since I started treatment prior to the sale.  Now I talk to the office and I get the craziest questions.  Like implying that I had this same coverage for the entire year except my first 2 procedures were fully covered.  Then, I was asked if I changed jobs.  Really?  We talked about all this prior to anything happening and now it's all a problem. They assured me that the costs will be covered.  J said he would go to the RE's office and talk to them in person. He said we'll file an appeal and he'll work out a payment plan with the hospital.  I'm just so upset.  It's over $8.000 in medical bills that would have only cost us $250 and I think my RE's office screwed up when they said it would all be covered.  Now we are getting the run around.  I had hoped to get a loan to help pay for the next IVF but looks like I'll have to wait a bit longer and pay for it ourselves.  I wanted to start at the beginning of the year but I might have to wait till around April or May.  I've waited this long, I guess a few months more is ok. 

Anyway, J & I had an interested holiday weekend.  J has been going crazy buying cars and car parts for his projects.  Well, he took my car out to Lansing, MI to look at and buy a car.  He rented a Uhaul truck and dolly to tow the car back and left my car in Lansing.  We rented a one way car to Lansing to pick up my car.  We were almost there when I asked the loaded question.  You have the keys to the Nissan, right?  Well, the answer was no.  Now, we were so flustered we missed the exit to the airport  The rental is almost of out gas and we don't know where we are.  I start looking up Nissan dealerships on my iPhone to see if any are open.  It's 1:45 and they are closing at 2PM.  Luckily, we found a gas station.  We also called Budget rental to see what it would cost to extend the rental till the next day.  Well, that was out of the question at an extra $300.  Then we started calling locksmiths.  We found one that was open and he met us at the airport.  Took him about 30 minutes and only $85 and a sigh of relief.  Weekend came close to being a disaster but luckily it was just a small setback and ended great.  And we still have Monday to enjoy.

Lost....

Not really sure what to call it anymore.  Lost, depression, anxiety.  Any way you look at it, it's all just sadness.  I'm trying to not feel that way but feeling are what they are.  You can't just shut off feelings of sadness.  No, I don't want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to be happy but I'm not.  Since I've found out that the IVF didn't work I've been holding on till my appointment with the RE.  Well, I got a call from the office and they had to re-schedule due to other IVF's the Dr is handling on Monday.  I know the urgency of IVF and that possibly the same thing happened while I was getting my retrieval and transfer done.  It's hard to know how people will respond to the meds so appointments need to be flexible.  It's not logical but I feel like it didn't work and now the doctor doesn't want to be bothered with me.  I'm just a failure and he needs to work on IVF's that will be successful.  I know that is ridiculous to even think but I'm not feeling so great about myself these days and getting that phone call almost made me start crying uncontrollably but I managed to think of other things and get through the day without tears.  I need to relax.  I came home, fixed myself a rum and coke, got a nice bubble bath going and relaxed.  I think it's helped.  Anyway, I just want to know what the next steps are and start moving on it.  I need to know if my RE thinks we can do this again with my eggs?  I really want to but I think I will do what he recommends.  I only have 3 more tries before the insurance won't cover it and really, my goal is to be a mom.  Using DE will also reduce the risks associated with older eggs.  It's something to consider.  I want to be able to have healthy babies.  I just need to get the ball rolling.  I feel like I'm running out of time and that makes me feel desperate.