Lost....

Not really sure what to call it anymore.  Lost, depression, anxiety.  Any way you look at it, it's all just sadness.  I'm trying to not feel that way but feeling are what they are.  You can't just shut off feelings of sadness.  No, I don't want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to be happy but I'm not.  Since I've found out that the IVF didn't work I've been holding on till my appointment with the RE.  Well, I got a call from the office and they had to re-schedule due to other IVF's the Dr is handling on Monday.  I know the urgency of IVF and that possibly the same thing happened while I was getting my retrieval and transfer done.  It's hard to know how people will respond to the meds so appointments need to be flexible.  It's not logical but I feel like it didn't work and now the doctor doesn't want to be bothered with me.  I'm just a failure and he needs to work on IVF's that will be successful.  I know that is ridiculous to even think but I'm not feeling so great about myself these days and getting that phone call almost made me start crying uncontrollably but I managed to think of other things and get through the day without tears.  I need to relax.  I came home, fixed myself a rum and coke, got a nice bubble bath going and relaxed.  I think it's helped.  Anyway, I just want to know what the next steps are and start moving on it.  I need to know if my RE thinks we can do this again with my eggs?  I really want to but I think I will do what he recommends.  I only have 3 more tries before the insurance won't cover it and really, my goal is to be a mom.  Using DE will also reduce the risks associated with older eggs.  It's something to consider.  I want to be able to have healthy babies.  I just need to get the ball rolling.  I feel like I'm running out of time and that makes me feel desperate.