Hanging on and trying for short term goals...

So, I'm working on staying healthy (trying to at least) and trying to get our finances under control.  I'm also insanely busy at work.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I'm getting more opportunities to shine and right now, I need to have something positive to focus on.  I'm still thinking about the baby thing a lot but I need to focus on something other than babies.  It's been hard.  My company is always popping out babies at every turn.  Someone is always pregnant and I'm truly happy for anyone able to achieve pregnancy easily.  They are truly lucky and blessed.  I know our time will come.  Either with pregnancy or adoption we will become parents somehow. It may take years but we will get there. I'm still praying we get that grant and we're able to save the money we need for IVF package of our choice.  I've also decided I need to do something about this house.  I'm taking a week off in Sept to stay home and do a full cleaning.  Maybe getting the house in order will help both J and I get out of our depression and anger.  He has his anger issues because of his career right now.  But he's getting is log book in order and getting things done.  I really hope he keeps moving forward with that and he can get on with a company that secures our future. If he can do that, I know it will also help with both of our depression.  It's been a tough 5 years but it has to get better.

Despair....

Despair, sadness, alone.  I'm hoping it will pass and I'll be feeling like my old self soon.  My health issues, finances and the fact that J has been away for the last 2 weeks doesn't help.  I have profound sadness that we've been trying to conceive so long and have been unsuccessful.  I've put my life on hold waiting for that moment I get to hold our child.  What if it never happens.  I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. Praying that these feelings pass soon.  

Thyroid up, thyroid down, thyroid up?

Well, I don't know what's going on with me lately.  In the last week, I've felt like I did when my thyroid was overactive, now it feels normal again.  Can your thyroid go overactive, under-active and then back to overactive?  I went for a blood test but it came back normal.  It's just been crazy.  I guess I just need to wait and see what happens.  Could all of this be related to stress which I've had a lot of?  Bills seem to pile up and never go away no matter how much I try to pay things down.  And J keeps complaining about his job and it's starting to upset me lately.  He's the only one who can change that and he seems scared to move forward.  Now he tells me he should have sent out his resume last year because he could have gotten a job last year with a major.  Now he's not so sure.  The whole thing just irritates me.  Here I am trying to save money and getting nowhere.  I really hope we can qualify for a loan next January.  I really want to go for another fertility treatment by then.  I just thought we'd have more money saved and our credit cards paid down.  J just doesn't make enough money and it's hurting us.  Anyway, we did get to visit family over the 4th of July.  J's nephew got married. It was so nice to see everyone and as always, it was too short of a trip but I'm glad we went.  It's the little things that keep me going.

I had my Dr's appointment yesterday.  My blood tests are now normal for my thyroid levels which is good.  She said I have thyroid antibodies which she called Hashimotos and I should continue to take the low dose of thyroid medicine.  I'm due to have it checked in 2 months.  I brought up my high blood sugars in the morning and they did an A1C and it turns out it's gone up since my last check in March.  It was 5.4 and now it's 5.9.  She wants me to have that checked in 2 months as well.  No meds yet just checking to see where it goes.  I'm working out 3-4 times/week for months now (J has noticed my butt looks more shapely) and trying to watch my carbs.  She said if it goes over 200 to contact her sooner than our next appointment but lets hope it doesn't.  I'm just so tired of trying and I feel like I should be able to stop it from happening. 

Year half over....

It's already June and I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  I had goals but it doesn't seem I can meet them.  I was supposed to have about 4K by now but all I have is 500 and I keep having more expenses.  It doesn't help that I've had medical expenses.  And we do have things that have been neglected around the house that need to get done.  But it all cost money and I don't want to spend it.  I want to save it.  J said he is looking at finishing his log book and getting a new job.  He said he thinks he could be based out of ORD which would be nice for us.  Even if he had reserve for a few months the money is more than he is making now.  And he can finish his projects which would be great.  I just don't know anymore.  And I'm so tired all the time.  This morning my BS level was 170.  I have an appt with my doctor on Monday so we can discuss it.  It's been high like that for a while.  At least it feels like it. Maybe that's why I'm tired all the time. 

Going to the gym with fatigue...

I've been trying really hard to keep up with going to the gym.  I've managed to go 5 times last week and I'm going to try to do the same this week.  I find that going in the morning has been easy for me to do.  Scottie wakes me up every morning by 5AM anyway.  It's been impossible to stop him.  No matter what.  He makes noises, cries loudly, walks on the furniture and knocks stuff over all in an attempt to get me out of bed.  Well it worked and I decided to be productive so I go to the gym for a 30 minute run on the treadmill.  The only thing that's getting me down now is the contant fatigue.  Right now, I can roll over and go for a nap.  It's 11:20AM.  I had a nap on Sat and Sun but I'm determined to make progress today.  I am worried about why I'm feeling this way.  I've noticed a huge spike in my morning BS levels.  Today was 170.  I'm not sure if it's my BS causing the fatigue or my underactive thyroid.  I can try to control the BS.  I'm going to start measuring my food again.  I've gotten sloppy so maybe thats the answer.  I've got to know how many carbs I'm eating per meal.  It gets so old having to measure everything and watch everything I eat.  One of my coworkers is a type 1 diabetic and I'm always hearing people talk about her behind her back because she doesn't watch what she eats but I know from my own experience, it's easier said than done and no one should be judging until they walk a mile in her shoes.  Anyway, I need to start getting this right again. I hope I can.