I had my Dr's appointment yesterday.  My blood tests are now normal for my thyroid levels which is good.  She said I have thyroid antibodies which she called Hashimotos and I should continue to take the low dose of thyroid medicine.  I'm due to have it checked in 2 months.  I brought up my high blood sugars in the morning and they did an A1C and it turns out it's gone up since my last check in March.  It was 5.4 and now it's 5.9.  She wants me to have that checked in 2 months as well.  No meds yet just checking to see where it goes.  I'm working out 3-4 times/week for months now (J has noticed my butt looks more shapely) and trying to watch my carbs.  She said if it goes over 200 to contact her sooner than our next appointment but lets hope it doesn't.  I'm just so tired of trying and I feel like I should be able to stop it from happening. 

Year half over....

It's already June and I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  I had goals but it doesn't seem I can meet them.  I was supposed to have about 4K by now but all I have is 500 and I keep having more expenses.  It doesn't help that I've had medical expenses.  And we do have things that have been neglected around the house that need to get done.  But it all cost money and I don't want to spend it.  I want to save it.  J said he is looking at finishing his log book and getting a new job.  He said he thinks he could be based out of ORD which would be nice for us.  Even if he had reserve for a few months the money is more than he is making now.  And he can finish his projects which would be great.  I just don't know anymore.  And I'm so tired all the time.  This morning my BS level was 170.  I have an appt with my doctor on Monday so we can discuss it.  It's been high like that for a while.  At least it feels like it. Maybe that's why I'm tired all the time. 

Going to the gym with fatigue...

I've been trying really hard to keep up with going to the gym.  I've managed to go 5 times last week and I'm going to try to do the same this week.  I find that going in the morning has been easy for me to do.  Scottie wakes me up every morning by 5AM anyway.  It's been impossible to stop him.  No matter what.  He makes noises, cries loudly, walks on the furniture and knocks stuff over all in an attempt to get me out of bed.  Well it worked and I decided to be productive so I go to the gym for a 30 minute run on the treadmill.  The only thing that's getting me down now is the contant fatigue.  Right now, I can roll over and go for a nap.  It's 11:20AM.  I had a nap on Sat and Sun but I'm determined to make progress today.  I am worried about why I'm feeling this way.  I've noticed a huge spike in my morning BS levels.  Today was 170.  I'm not sure if it's my BS causing the fatigue or my underactive thyroid.  I can try to control the BS.  I'm going to start measuring my food again.  I've gotten sloppy so maybe thats the answer.  I've got to know how many carbs I'm eating per meal.  It gets so old having to measure everything and watch everything I eat.  One of my coworkers is a type 1 diabetic and I'm always hearing people talk about her behind her back because she doesn't watch what she eats but I know from my own experience, it's easier said than done and no one should be judging until they walk a mile in her shoes.  Anyway, I need to start getting this right again. I hope I can. 

Trying to be patient....

Well, it's now almost the end of May.  I'm trying to be patient and wait my turn.  Save my money.  I'm wondering what my purpose in this world is sometimes.  At work, I'm surrounded by pregnant co-workers.  And there are a lot of them.  It's sometimes hard to deal with but I manage.  I think about what I'm doing to have my chance and that helps.  I've also been fillin out the application for an IVF grant which would help us out a lot.  It would mean no loan but it's a long shot.  I'm almost ready to mail it.   I just have a few more things I need for it.  For one thing, J needs to write a personal statement.  He's been giving me a hard time about it.  This application wasn't easy.  I had 19 pages to fill out.  I had to make copies of birth certificates, marriage license, medical records, doctors statement, tax returns, pay stubs and even a picture of us.  It's been a lot of work and the only thing I asked of J was that he do his own personal statement.  We started arguing about it today and that just pissed me off.  I know its not easy to do but he needs to make a small effort.  I've done everything else, including my own personal statement, which I gave him so he had something reference. 

The other thing on my mind has been this whole Thyroid issue.  At first it was overactive.  Now it's underactive.  I've gained 8 lbs in one month.  Scary.  I'm currently on Synthroid and have a follow up appointment with my Endo next month.  Maybe this is another reason I'm not having my opportunity for a baby yet.  Maybe I need to get this under control so I can have a super healthy pregnancy and baby. 

Just a half a year to go till I have my turn.

Moods...

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately.  Maybe it’s about all the “waiting for next year” to do treatments.  Everywhere I look someone is pregnant in my office or just had a baby.  It’s so hard to be happy especially when it feels like I’m not moving forward. I’ve been very short with J these days.  I just don’t know what to make of this entire car mess we have.  He keeps telling me he wants to fix the cars and sell them.  Then he winds up spending all the money we have available on the credit card as soon as we get the loans to pay them.  Since Feb, I’ve had to help him pay the rent on the shop and I had to pay the clinic what I owed them from last summer.  Then he keeps saying that he doesn’t have the money to fix the cars and sell them.  It’s a vicious cycle.  He takes on too many projects and it drives me crazy and we wind up spending more money that we should have. Money we could have been saving all along.  He keeps telling me it’s going to work out but all I feel like doing is crying right now.  I’m a mess inside and out.  We have mounting medical bills for both of us and he doesn’t even open them.  I do and he makes it seem like he can’t afford to pay them.  I can’t pay them.  I pay for everything right now. He was supposed to pay for his shop and he’s not doing it because he doesn’t have the money.  He said he was going to fix the cars, fix the cars, and fix the cars.  We’ve been at this since Dec and I guess he should just junk them already.  I’ve spent thousands of dollars that was supposed to be saved for our treatment next year and I don’t know if I’ll get it back.  Every time I turn around we are spending any credit we have available for something else.  We have a wedding in VA that we are going to and that will cost us money for airfare, car rental and hotel.  And of course we need to give the bride and groom a gift.  We need to buy a battery for the SUV before it dies in May and get new tires.  We also have to get the new cat spayed.  That’s another $200 out the window.  I know this is how life goes but we never seem to get ahead.  J is bad at saving.  Any extra money seems to get spent in the few minutes he seems to have it.  I want him to start saving but he won’t do it.  Anything to do with money he just doesn’t handle it right.  I’m having so much anxiety right now I can’t sleep at night without taking Ambien.  I’m trying to continue exercising as much as possible.  I think it helps work off the anxiety.  Anyway, I’ve spent enough time getting upset and getting it out of my system.  I wrote this a few hours ago and at the time was feeling awful.  Now, I’m actually feeling better.  Damn those mood swings.

Thyroid issues...

Well I had my follow-up appointment with my endo today.  She believes it's an inflamed thyroid and there are no medications that fix that.  It has to run it's course.   She said it should fix itself and is hoping it won't take longer than 6 months but she wants me to go once a month for a follow-up blood test to check my thyroid levels.  She doesn't want me to get pregnant while it's like this since it can cause harm to a fetus.  

Anyway, I've made plans to visit my friend in Florida and decided that I need to go to the gym as much as possible.  I initially said I would go every day till my trip but my muscles are sore today (I did a body sculpting DVD) so I'm taking today off and will go back tomorrow. 

Our new kitty seems to be doing well.  He coos and purrs.  He likes J a lot more than me.  I think it's because I'm the one always picking him up and moving him.  He's had some contact with the other kitties and hissing went on so it will be a bit longer before they can co-exist.