My First Mother's Day Gift...

On May 1st, we traveled to SC for another transfer.  This is the 5th transfer since May 20, 2015.  We had the transfer on May 2nd between 11:30 and Noon.  The single embryo got stuck in the catheter so we had to do it all over again.  My RE said it was rare but it does happen which is why they always check the catheter.  I considered it good luck and hoped it wanted to stick to my lining.  We relaxed for the rest of the day.  Enjoyed a dinner at Longhorns and called it a night.  We got to sleep in because our flight was in the afternoon at Myrtle Beach.  I rested for the remainder of the week and on Mothers Day I decided to do an HPT.  The and best Mothers Day gift I ever got happened.  It was positive.  I took two.  One FRER and one CBE.   Both came back positive.  My HCG level on 5/11 was 231 and on 5/13 it was 548.  I have another one on 5/20.  My RE did all he could do and G-d did the rest.  I'm still very scared.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Following instructions...

Each cycle, I put my life in the hands of the RE and the clinic.  I follow exactly what they tell me to do.  I go through the motions day after day, reviewing the calendar several times a day to make sure I got it right.  Estrogen dosage to ultrasound appointments to blood work.  Making sure my travel arrangements are set and are for the correct days.  I find myself going over it, over and over again.  I'm always afraid of screwing it up.  It's really the only way I know how to survive a cycle.  This time was a little different to start.  I did those awful biopsies.  But it will be worth it if it brings me home my baby. We have 2 embryos left before we need to start over again.  I'm so glad we got the money back guarantee.  I don't know what we would do if we hadn't.  I'm still hoping we don't have to do another fresh cycle.  Praying everyday that our emby survives the thaw.  I try to imagine being pregnant and the joy I'll feel.  I pray that I feel that way.  I'm afraid that all the years I've spent trying and failing will have a toll on me and feeling joy will be hard to find. Will I feel terror and fear instead?  I hope not.  All I've ever wanted is to experience what all other women get to experience.  The joy of pregnancy and motherhood.  Another Mothers Day is coming up.  My transfer will be less than a week before Mothers Day.  The best gift I could get would be a positive pregnancy test and of course a healthy baby at the end of that.  Please G-d hear my prayers.  

Having hope...

One of the ladies on Facebook that transferred a 3AA embryo last week is waiting to find out if it stuck.  She is feeling like it worked.  I really hope so.  I'm down to my last 2 embryos and both are not of the best quality anymore.  I'm down to the 3AA and I think a 3AB.  I'm hoping that if hers works then I have a chance too.  I've also been doing reading on endometrial scratch and studies have shown they have improved pregnancy rates.  I'm praying that I'll be one of those successful ones.  I know that's all I can do.  Take one day at a time.  Pray and have hope.  

Trying hard to feel whole again...

I've been trying so hard to be normal.  To get up, go to work, carry on each day till the day is over. I've been feeling crazy emotional.  It doesn't take much to stir them up either.  An email, a phone call, someone saying something perfectly innocent and I feel lost inside.  I sent an email asking my GYN if she would do the biopsies.  I sent a follow up on Friday, then again on Wednesday.  We're talking an entire week and the nurse finally got back to me.  I really dislike her.  I think she lacks empathy and compassion.  How can she be nurse without those qualities.  Anyway, I've set up my appointments.  I hope she's not the one helping my Dr in the office that day but I have a feeling I'm stuck with her.  Let's hope she can muster some of those important nursing qualities.  

Hormones...

Or slutmones as my DH has been calling them.  I've been terribly depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  I force myself to get up and go to work, to keep my mind occupied but I'm just sad.  I'm trying to think positive and believe that my next cycle will work.  My Dr wants me to do an endometrial biopsy.  I need to do two of them a week apart.  It's too costly to go fly down to do it so I'm trying to get with my GYN here.  I sent an email last Wednesday and I'm still waiting to hear back.  It's so frustrating.  Why is it that communication with her is so difficult.  The nurse said she was forwarding the message for her to review on Thursday.  Well, it's now Monday afternoon and I'm still waiting to hear.  I sent a follow up message on Friday as well.  We'll see.  I'm sure this isn't helping with my depression.  J thinks I should just get a new doctor but that would mean a consultation and an explanation of what I'm asking them to do.  All, while knowing nothing about me or my history.  It's all so overwhelming to me right now.  I just want to have my baby.  I just want to be a mom.  

My prayers weren't answered...

I had hoped and prayed this would be the time.  Everything went so smoothly.  My doctor is at a loss and wants to try an endometrial biopsy one month prior to starting meds for another cycle.  I'm sad but I must keep trying.  It's all I have.  

Another two week wait....

Everything has gone according to plan.  My uterus and blood work came back great and we transferred one embryo on 2/8.  We decided to come home same day which was very exhausting.  J got sick and I slept Tuesday and Wednesday away.  I've been trying to relax and not read into everything I feel.  It's hard though.  I've been having lots of cramps.  My blood test is on 2/17.  I'm hoping I have an early B'day present for J.  We'll see.  I'm praying a lot.  I know that's really all I can do at this point.  

Getting ready....

Tomorrow I go for my blood work for checking my hormones.  Tuesday I go for my ultrasound for my lining check.  If everything looks good then transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  I'm scared and nervous but very hopeful.  I'm feeling pretty good.  My A1C is 5.3 and my thyroid is okay so I'm ready.  We decided to transfer one embryo only even though my doctor wants us to transfer two.  I'm scared I won't make it to full term and caring for twins is double the work and money.  Neither of which we have.  Also this week, the first week of February, would have been my due date from my pregnancy in May.  I think I've come to terms with my miscarriage.  I realize now that my last transfer I was depressed.  I also wasn't feeling my best.  This time will be different.  In order for this transfer to have a chance I need to be hopeful and have faith.  I need to put my life in G-d's hands.  I also know that nothing I do or don't do will affect the outcome.  But I will do my part.  I will have faith and hope and know that G-d has a plan.