Fear....

The pre-approval is now an approval.  I've made a call to my clinic to find out next steps.  I also sent an email to the loan officer with some questions and voicing my concern over the payment amount.  She wound up calling me to discuss my email.  It was nice to be able to speak to someone.   A person that has been through all the same things I'm going through now.  It's nice not to be just a number.  She said the loan is good to go for 90 days before having to pull a new credit report.  I was glad to hear that.  We still need to make an appointment for a physical.  And apparently I need to apply for the guarantee program and I have no idea how to do that either.  Hopefully, I'll hear back from the clinic on Monday.  I want to move forward but I'm so scared at the same time.  This is the moment I've been waiting for and now I'm scared.  I'm not sure what I'm scared of.  The loan amount? Or is it that I've been chasing my dream of motherhood for so long that I don't know how to actually take that leap?  I guess I also wasn't expecting an approval so quickly. I've gotten used to being turned down or not given the entire amount.  We still have a few months to save some money.  J has promised that I can take 200 from him on his second paycheck.  So even with the loan, I know we can still save money which is important to me.  I also need to take care of another issue.  I had an emergency room visit last weekend.  My stomach has been hurting and they did an ultrasound.  Nothing was found as the cause of my pain but the ER Dr said I had a mass on my liver.  I heard her say 3 cm but J said it had to be mm. If it was cm that would be very large so I'm sure he's right but I think I need confirmation from my primary care Dr.  J wants confirmation too on mass and stomach pain. So I guess I'll find out on next week.  Till then.

Pre-approval???

I decided to go ahead and apply for the loan.  The first company turned us down.  I tried another company and they called me tonight to let me know they have pre-approved us for the full amount we are asking for.  I still can't believe it.  I'm getting the rest of the paperwork together tonight. I have this fear it will be taken away from us in an instant.  I guess I've been dealing with rejection and let downs for so long it seems unreal that we have this.  I guess I'll feel more secure once we get the loan.  I finally feel like I can start planning for our cycle.

Better times coming....

Things have greatly improved with J and me.  I'm finally seeing the man I married again and I'm so happy.  I'm also hoping we can apply for a fertility loan in April/May.  I've been tracking our finances and credit report and things are starting to look up with that.  I really want to get this show on the road already.  I've been patient but now it's time for action.  The loan amount will determine when we move forward.  I'm really hoping to afford the money back program.  I just don't want to throw money away on this and I'm still concerned about J's sperm.  This program will give us the best odds of giving us our "take home baby". Springtime here we come. :)

Getting through tough times...

J threw his back out so now he's home for awhile...again.  Next paycheck will be bad but he thinks he will be back at work for the last trip of the month.  It won't financially devastate us but it won't help either.  We'll get by.  The good part is that our debt has been consolidated and we have a set loan.  Another good part is that J has committed to making changes.  It's important or our life together could be over.  I love J with all my heart but I know that things can't continue on this path.  So I really hope he's serious about making changes. This week will be the test.  Praying that it all goes well.  

Trying to come up with a plan...

So after going over our crappy credit and what options we have, I decided to see if we can get a personal loan that would pay off some credit cards and a car payment.  And to my amazement, I got a loan.  Not a great loan but it will consolidate our credit cards and car payment into one monthly payment.  I think this will take the burden off of me of trying to make payments.  I do make my payments but the stress has been getting to me.  And we can pay extra to get it down faster.  It frees up our credit cards but the plan is to pay off monthly.  Only for emergencies like the HVAC going or car problems.  We were doing pretty good till I needed to fly to NY to see my Dad.  We spent 500 in that time for car rentals and hotels.  Nothing we planned for but needed to do.  And it didn't help that J's check was crappy in Jan.  I feel like we are always trying to catch up.  I'm hoping this helps.  I'm so meticulous with our finances.  I wish J would get better at that.  At least one of us is but still.  I'm actually excited about this.  I think this will help improve our credit which is most important to me at this moment.  It will hopefully help with financing our IVF.  I'm ready to move forward and this has been plaguing me for the last few months. 

Worried and frustrated...

It's already March.  Third month of the year and I had hoped to have already applied for a loan.  I'm really getting worried that this year will be another difficult one with trying to pay down the credit cards again.  Just when I feel like I'm ahead everything goes south.  Part of it is J.  He doesn't make enough money and he hates his job.  He hates it so much he calls in sick whenever he can.  Which now he can't anymore.  He got a notice the last time about his excessive absences.  Anyway, as a result of his crappy paychecks, he doesn't contribute anything to paying down the bills.  But he does add to them which is infuriating right now.  I paid down 400 and he just charged 300.  He better makes some changes soon because this isn't going to work if I can't see the cards go down.  We'll never pay them down and I know we make enough to do that.  Just getting frustrated and feeling anxiety about it.  This year can't go by without us doing anything.  I'm getting to the breaking point.  I have patience.  A lot of it but this is getting out of hand.  Sometimes I feel like I take a back seat to everything.  I'm going to apply either way by May.  I wanted the cards to be paid down but I need to move already no matter what.  For my own sake I need to try.