Hormones...

Or slutmones as my DH has been calling them.  I've been terribly depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  I force myself to get up and go to work, to keep my mind occupied but I'm just sad.  I'm trying to think positive and believe that my next cycle will work.  My Dr wants me to do an endometrial biopsy.  I need to do two of them a week apart.  It's too costly to go fly down to do it so I'm trying to get with my GYN here.  I sent an email last Wednesday and I'm still waiting to hear back.  It's so frustrating.  Why is it that communication with her is so difficult.  The nurse said she was forwarding the message for her to review on Thursday.  Well, it's now Monday afternoon and I'm still waiting to hear.  I sent a follow up message on Friday as well.  We'll see.  I'm sure this isn't helping with my depression.  J thinks I should just get a new doctor but that would mean a consultation and an explanation of what I'm asking them to do.  All, while knowing nothing about me or my history.  It's all so overwhelming to me right now.  I just want to have my baby.  I just want to be a mom.  

Getting ready....

Tomorrow I go for my blood work for checking my hormones.  Tuesday I go for my ultrasound for my lining check.  If everything looks good then transfer will be a week from tomorrow.  I'm scared and nervous but very hopeful.  I'm feeling pretty good.  My A1C is 5.3 and my thyroid is okay so I'm ready.  We decided to transfer one embryo only even though my doctor wants us to transfer two.  I'm scared I won't make it to full term and caring for twins is double the work and money.  Neither of which we have.  Also this week, the first week of February, would have been my due date from my pregnancy in May.  I think I've come to terms with my miscarriage.  I realize now that my last transfer I was depressed.  I also wasn't feeling my best.  This time will be different.  In order for this transfer to have a chance I need to be hopeful and have faith.  I need to put my life in G-d's hands.  I also know that nothing I do or don't do will affect the outcome.  But I will do my part.  I will have faith and hope and know that G-d has a plan.  

Jitters and nerves...

I've been having so much anxiety lately.  Everything and anything causes me to go over the edge.  I'm snapping at J often.  By evening I'm exhausted from the anxiety.  My heart races.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.  It comes out of nowhere.  I had my Endo appointment last Monday.  She tweaked my pump settings.  I'm hoping it helps get things under control with my blood sugar.  I have a blood test scheduled for Monday for my hormone levels and my A1C.  I'm really worried about my A1C.  I think it may have gone up since the last time.  I haven't been eating right and I need to fix that.  No more crap.  Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety.  And of course having my hormone levels checked.  Tuesday is my lining check.  I'm praying that it's all goes well.  

Feeling sad...

I wonder if it's all the hormones just going back to it's normal self.  Every day I feel something different.  Lately, it's been sadness and despair.  Not all day long.  But a lot of the time.  I feel tired, drained, sad and alone.  J seems oblivious sometimes.  He works on his models all day and night and doesn't seem to notice that I need him to be with me.  Why is it like that?  Even when I ask him to stay with me he doesn't really do it.  Why doesn't he get it?  Seems that he only notices when I don't get up and just stay curled up in bed for long periods of time.  Otherwise he's just in his own world.  I feel like I have to do everything.  Pay the bills, take care of the cats, clean up the house.  He just builds his models and that's all.  His job is done.  I'm the sucker that has to work all day and come home and work all night.  Maybe that's also why I'm feeling sad.  I want a partner and I'm not getting one.  And right now, I need him to be there for me and he's not.

Depression...

I started to miscarry on Wednesday night.  I found some painkillers so I took that which helped.  Now I have cramps on and off since then.  I'm glad it started and my body is starting to feel somewhat normal again. Well, sort of.  Maybe not.  Things are so depressing right now.  Sometimes I feel so sad all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there.   I'm worried about everything.  Worried about money, paying bills, J's dismal disability check, being able to get to NY for my Dad's unveiling, paying for our next trip to SC.  I want to try again but it's hard when all I think about is doom and gloom these days.  I'm hoping it's just my crazy hormones.  I just want to feel normal again.  I don't want to just go home and sleep all day and night.  And I can do that apparently.  I did it last weekend. Maybe this weekend will be better.