Ultrasounds and nightmares....

I had my 6 week 2 day ultrasound.  I was so terrified but she found the sac and baby right away.  Then we got to see the flicker of the heart.  It was so surreal and magical.  I had tears of joy coming down my face.  Baby measured 6 weeks so right on target.

We were so ecstatic.  We crossed the first hurdle and we saw our baby with a good strong heartbeat.  I wound up taking a 2 1/2 hour nap.  We had dinner and when I went to the bathroom I noticed a little blood on the toilet paper.  I was worried.  Then in the middle of the night, more blood.  Almost morning and the toilet was full of blood.  Now I'm scared.  I called my RE at 4:45 AM.  The on call Dr said to drink water and lay down and relax.  She'll follow up with the on call nurse in the morning.  I had an eye Dr app and so we went to that.  While I was there I passed a huge clot.  Now I'm thinking the worst.  The nurse called me back and she said lots of women call with bleeding and it's usually all okay.  She told me what an emergency would be and to go to an ER in that scenario but she mentioned subchorionic hematoma that was basically a bleed not relevant to the pregnancy.  She went through all the possibilities with me.  I don't have any real cramping.  And after that huge clot the bleeding seemed to have slowed down.  Now I just have spotting when I wipe.  Maybe it will be okay after all. I'm hoping to see my OB this week if possible.  Praying for good news.

Third HCG level back...

My nurse called me on Friday with more good news.  HCG level is in the 11 thousand range.  She said the exact number but I didn't catch it all because I was too surprised by the 11 thousand.  I'm getting a bit excited but still scared.  I'm hoping once I'm past the next hurdle it will get easier to believe it's real.  I'm hoping to schedule my U/S for next Friday.  If not it will have to be the following Tuesday.  

I wonder if I'll ever feel secure with this pregnancy.  Will I always be scared it will end before my beautiful baby is ready for the world?  

My First Mother's Day Gift...

On May 1st, we traveled to SC for another transfer.  This is the 5th transfer since May 20, 2015.  We had the transfer on May 2nd between 11:30 and Noon.  The single embryo got stuck in the catheter so we had to do it all over again.  My RE said it was rare but it does happen which is why they always check the catheter.  I considered it good luck and hoped it wanted to stick to my lining.  We relaxed for the rest of the day.  Enjoyed a dinner at Longhorns and called it a night.  We got to sleep in because our flight was in the afternoon at Myrtle Beach.  I rested for the remainder of the week and on Mothers Day I decided to do an HPT.  The and best Mothers Day gift I ever got happened.  It was positive.  I took two.  One FRER and one CBE.   Both came back positive.  My HCG level on 5/11 was 231 and on 5/13 it was 548.  I have another one on 5/20.  My RE did all he could do and G-d did the rest.  I'm still very scared.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Following instructions...

Each cycle, I put my life in the hands of the RE and the clinic.  I follow exactly what they tell me to do.  I go through the motions day after day, reviewing the calendar several times a day to make sure I got it right.  Estrogen dosage to ultrasound appointments to blood work.  Making sure my travel arrangements are set and are for the correct days.  I find myself going over it, over and over again.  I'm always afraid of screwing it up.  It's really the only way I know how to survive a cycle.  This time was a little different to start.  I did those awful biopsies.  But it will be worth it if it brings me home my baby. We have 2 embryos left before we need to start over again.  I'm so glad we got the money back guarantee.  I don't know what we would do if we hadn't.  I'm still hoping we don't have to do another fresh cycle.  Praying everyday that our emby survives the thaw.  I try to imagine being pregnant and the joy I'll feel.  I pray that I feel that way.  I'm afraid that all the years I've spent trying and failing will have a toll on me and feeling joy will be hard to find. Will I feel terror and fear instead?  I hope not.  All I've ever wanted is to experience what all other women get to experience.  The joy of pregnancy and motherhood.  Another Mothers Day is coming up.  My transfer will be less than a week before Mothers Day.  The best gift I could get would be a positive pregnancy test and of course a healthy baby at the end of that.  Please G-d hear my prayers.  

Having hope...

One of the ladies on Facebook that transferred a 3AA embryo last week is waiting to find out if it stuck.  She is feeling like it worked.  I really hope so.  I'm down to my last 2 embryos and both are not of the best quality anymore.  I'm down to the 3AA and I think a 3AB.  I'm hoping that if hers works then I have a chance too.  I've also been doing reading on endometrial scratch and studies have shown they have improved pregnancy rates.  I'm praying that I'll be one of those successful ones.  I know that's all I can do.  Take one day at a time.  Pray and have hope.  

Trying hard to feel whole again...

I've been trying so hard to be normal.  To get up, go to work, carry on each day till the day is over. I've been feeling crazy emotional.  It doesn't take much to stir them up either.  An email, a phone call, someone saying something perfectly innocent and I feel lost inside.  I sent an email asking my GYN if she would do the biopsies.  I sent a follow up on Friday, then again on Wednesday.  We're talking an entire week and the nurse finally got back to me.  I really dislike her.  I think she lacks empathy and compassion.  How can she be nurse without those qualities.  Anyway, I've set up my appointments.  I hope she's not the one helping my Dr in the office that day but I have a feeling I'm stuck with her.  Let's hope she can muster some of those important nursing qualities.