Better times coming....

Things have greatly improved with J and me.  I'm finally seeing the man I married again and I'm so happy.  I'm also hoping we can apply for a fertility loan in April/May.  I've been tracking our finances and credit report and things are starting to look up with that.  I really want to get this show on the road already.  I've been patient but now it's time for action.  The loan amount will determine when we move forward.  I'm really hoping to afford the money back program.  I just don't want to throw money away on this and I'm still concerned about J's sperm.  This program will give us the best odds of giving us our "take home baby". Springtime here we come. :)

Getting through tough times...

J threw his back out so now he's home for awhile...again.  Next paycheck will be bad but he thinks he will be back at work for the last trip of the month.  It won't financially devastate us but it won't help either.  We'll get by.  The good part is that our debt has been consolidated and we have a set loan.  Another good part is that J has committed to making changes.  It's important or our life together could be over.  I love J with all my heart but I know that things can't continue on this path.  So I really hope he's serious about making changes. This week will be the test.  Praying that it all goes well.  

Trying to come up with a plan...

So after going over our crappy credit and what options we have, I decided to see if we can get a personal loan that would pay off some credit cards and a car payment.  And to my amazement, I got a loan.  Not a great loan but it will consolidate our credit cards and car payment into one monthly payment.  I think this will take the burden off of me of trying to make payments.  I do make my payments but the stress has been getting to me.  And we can pay extra to get it down faster.  It frees up our credit cards but the plan is to pay off monthly.  Only for emergencies like the HVAC going or car problems.  We were doing pretty good till I needed to fly to NY to see my Dad.  We spent 500 in that time for car rentals and hotels.  Nothing we planned for but needed to do.  And it didn't help that J's check was crappy in Jan.  I feel like we are always trying to catch up.  I'm hoping this helps.  I'm so meticulous with our finances.  I wish J would get better at that.  At least one of us is but still.  I'm actually excited about this.  I think this will help improve our credit which is most important to me at this moment.  It will hopefully help with financing our IVF.  I'm ready to move forward and this has been plaguing me for the last few months. 

Worried and frustrated...

It's already March.  Third month of the year and I had hoped to have already applied for a loan.  I'm really getting worried that this year will be another difficult one with trying to pay down the credit cards again.  Just when I feel like I'm ahead everything goes south.  Part of it is J.  He doesn't make enough money and he hates his job.  He hates it so much he calls in sick whenever he can.  Which now he can't anymore.  He got a notice the last time about his excessive absences.  Anyway, as a result of his crappy paychecks, he doesn't contribute anything to paying down the bills.  But he does add to them which is infuriating right now.  I paid down 400 and he just charged 300.  He better makes some changes soon because this isn't going to work if I can't see the cards go down.  We'll never pay them down and I know we make enough to do that.  Just getting frustrated and feeling anxiety about it.  This year can't go by without us doing anything.  I'm getting to the breaking point.  I have patience.  A lot of it but this is getting out of hand.  Sometimes I feel like I take a back seat to everything.  I'm going to apply either way by May.  I wanted the cards to be paid down but I need to move already no matter what.  For my own sake I need to try. 

Confidence....

For the last few years, J has been unhappy with his job situation.  The unfortunate part is that he hasn't really hasn't done anything about it but complain and call in sick.  There have been many opportunities for him to try and apply but he never does.  He'll say he's going to then he doesn't and then later tells me his reasons why.  The situation at work has gotten pretty bad.  His pay has been reduced and now, even though the new rest rules are in place, he's still flying crazy schedules and this month he only has 12 days off and that's after 7 years at this place. It's obvious to me that he'll never move up and his pay will never change.  I'm just not sure how to help him with this anymore.  I know it's because his confidence is low.  I'm worried that can screw up his chances if he does go on an interview.  I really think the best way is for an interview prep course. They're expensive but I think it will be necessary if he's ever to get a new job.  My concern is that what if he doesn't get the next job.  He still refers to how he didn't get that job seven years ago and that means no one will hire him.  I pointed out how crazy that sounds because people can't get every job they interview for.  It's a fact of life.  I just don't know how to deal with someone who brings up a job interview from that many years ago.  Yesterday, he called and said he wants to get an application in for a company and he needs to do it soon.  Some pilots he ran into said the company is going to stop hiring in April till the fall.  So now he's all hyped to do it.  Let's hope he does.

Struggles...

Lately, J has been having struggles.  He wants to change but hasn't been able to figure out how to do it.  His struggles have been affecting me. Affecting us.  I don't feel like we'll ever have a normal life and it scares me.  I don't want to think I've wasted my life with this man who has promised me that he'll change over and over again.  We are almost married 16 years and I feel like I'm listening to a broken record over and over again.  I want to support him but right now I feel lost on how to do that.  I feel the struggle when he is home and resentment when he is away.  When he is away, he is the man I want.  When he is home he is someone else.  And it saddens me.