Feeling a bit sad today...

J left for a trip today and won't be back till Wed.  I don't know why but I'm feeling a bit down right now.  I'm having a thyroid uptake scan this week and that is also making me anxious.  The thyroid symptoms have also been making me feel off lately.  I'm always hungry, overheated and fatigued. I'm also having some insomnia.  J has been needing our savings fund for his project and that's part of why I'm feeling down.  He promised to pay it all back to me but I'm worried he won't be able to.  He signed a lease for this place for 6 months, then he freaked out and didn't do anything.  Now I'm freaking out.  It's almost April and I have nothing saved.  NOTHING.  I wanted at least 10K by next January and we have NOTHING.  I feel like my life is nothing but hardship lately.  J needs a loan so he can get those cars sold.  So that is what we are doing next.  We'll see how that goes next week.  I'm not crazy about the loan company but we are still credit challenged folks.  I just need to have faith that things will work out for us and that J will put the money back into our savings.

Testiness and anxiety...

Well for the last few weeks, J has been telling me that I am appearing agitated.  He said it's usually him and I usually keep him calm but I'm not doing that right now.  I guess I've been feeling agitated lately.  I think it may be related to my overactive thyroid.  Every once in a while I feel my heart beating really fast and this weekend I ate like it was my last meal on earth.  As a result of my crazy eating my blood sugars have been really high.  They've been high for the last few weeks but today was awful .  My app with the new doctor is next week so hopefully I can get answers and treatment that will fix this quickly.   I just don't want to go on meds for the diabetes but I'm afraid that's coming.  My A1C is still 5.4 so we'll see what she says.  I don't like feeling so fatigued but when your BS goes really high then drops it causes sleepiness.  I just need to continue my efforts with the gym.  I took a week off to recuperate from my nasty cold but now I have no excuses.  The cold is gone so now I have to start going again. 

Crazy week...

Last week was a bit crazy.  I had a headache from Mon-Thurs.  So I went to the Dr on Thursday.  I've been having these migraines since my last cycle and J has wanted me to get them checked out.  I'm pretty sure it's hormone related and my Dr pretty much said it could be too.  She didn't see anything that would indicate a brain issue so she gave me a prescription for migraines.  She also had me get a blood test to make sure my blood sugar wasn't out of control.  Anyway, I got a call the next day and the nurse said I needed to get another blood test to test my thyroid and that I needed to get an ultrasound of my thyroid.  I'm trying hard not to worry.  I don't know what exactly my thyroid numbers need to be and I'm not sure what they even were.  I guess I'll find out more tomorrow.  Now I have a whopper of a cold and feel like crap.  Hope this week isn't as crazy as last week.  

Paranoia???

On Feb 13th it will be my 7 year anniversary at my company.  This last year feels like I'm back in High School.  I feel like some of my co-workers talk behind my back.  IM about me.  It really makes a person feel like crap when that goes on and I'm not sure what to do about it except keep my distance.  Could it be that I'm just paranoid?  I tend to believe that if you feel like people are talking about you behind your back you probably aren't wrong.  I need things to change at work.  Maybe I should just eat at my desk from now on.  Stay away from the culprits.  Even some co-workers that I had thought were my friends but certainly don't act like it.  I guess it's best to just go to work, do my job, go home.  Keep it professional.  Today, I'm feeling emotional and fragile.  I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

Getting back to normal...

Well the day has finally come.  J has gone back to work.  He's been home since Dec 31st and I have to say I'm glad he's gone.  Don't get me wrong, I love having J home but things need to get back to normal.  I know I'll miss having a wonderful home cooked meal every night.  It was almost always ready for me when I got home from work.  I was actually shocked that we ate at home almost every night.  It was nice.  It feels weird tonight too.  I feel like I'm waiting for him to come upstairs but we've already said goodnight to each other on the phone so I know I won't hear from him till tomorrow.  The cats are also acting different tonight.  Amelia knows he's gone.  She didn't eat her dinner tonight but she'll be back to normal tomorrow.  Even though, with all that I'll be missing, it's still nice to have my alone time back again.  :)

Homeowner or just a renter...

Well something strange has happened in the last few days. J and I have gone through lots of financial hardship starting back in 2006.  By 2008 we had no choice but to file bankruptcy.  It was clear that we wouldn't be able to pay our credit cards no matter how hard we tried to come up with a way.  Thank you aviation and the wonderful starting pays.  We found a lawyer, got money from my parents and proceeded to file the necessary paperwork.  We signed re-affirmations for our car and the house mortgages. I'll admit that so much was going on that we couldn't keep track of everything.  I had hoped the lawyer would be on top of all that but I guess not.  We received the re-affirmation document for our car but we hadn't thought about the mortgages.  Apparently they got lost at the mortgage companies and were never returned to our lawyers office before our debt was dismissed.  We continued to pay but we had more problems and needed to do a loan modification to help us out for the 1st year.  We found out that since both mortgages were dismissed, which only means we get no credit on our credit history for having a mortgage, but doesn't change the fact that they still have a lien on the house.  We were successful in getting the 1st mortgage modified.  We stopped paying the second mortgage since they couldn't foreclose anyway and we were in the hole 100K anyway.  We figured we would pay our 1st mortgage till we were ready to move on and just give the keys back to the bank.  Well a few days ago we got a UPS package from our 2nd mortgage and the letter said they were releasing the lien on our house due to some state and federal government settlement.  They have been trying to reach us for a few months now and we just avoided the calls.  I kept thinking that J would call and say "early April Fools" or it was in the UPS package and he missed it.  But he didn't and it looks real.  Now I feel like this is our house again.  We haven't done much with it but this changes everything. We're not just renters were homeowners again.  At least that's how it feels.  It all seems so unreal right now.