Maybe everything does happen for a reason...

Well, I'm anxiously waiting to meet with my RE regarding this failed IVF cycle.  After talking to J on Friday, I told him that I hope I don't get another call from the office cancelling.  He didn't think that would happen but believe it or not, I got a call that the Dr. will be in surgery on Monday during my appointment time.  I was almost upset but they gave me an appointment for the next day at 5PM.  The good part is that J will now be able to be at the appointment.  The other 2 cancelled appointments he was working.  I'm used to doing things on my own but I'd rather him be with me during these appointments.  It's a team effort and luckily, all the past appointments he was able to come to as well.  This is why I was thinking that maybe everything happens for a reason and the reason the other appointments were cancelled is because J couldn't make it. 

I'm also glad to say that my mood has definitely improved.  I can't believe how down I was.  It's not like me to be depressed but this whole thing can really take an emotional toll on a person.  I remember the Dr. mentioning at one of the consults that this is all so emotional but at the time I didn't feel it yet.  I handed my life over to them.  They took blood and did ultrasounds and gave me direction on the next steps every other day.  I had no emotional stress at all.  I think the emotional part started in the middle of the 2ww.  It was the hardest part of all and then the disappointment at the end of that.  Add J not being here as well.  I think it's safe to say I lost it and in the process learned valuable lessons.  I think I need to keep this fertility stuff to myself for the next try.  I don't want to have to explain to anyone about the disappointment of not being pregnant.  If it works out then I'll have some positive news but until then, just J and I will know what's going on.  Also, I decided that for the next time, I will take the day off when I go for the pregnancy test.  Being at work and getting that news just killed me to try to act normal.  I couldn't function.  All I could think about was that I was a failure as a woman.  Perhaps before I wasn't ovulating but this was different.  I had 2 embryos places in my uterus and they didn't live.  What is wrong with me?  Did I do something wrong in those 2 weeks to make that happen?  I just wanted to cry and I was at work and couldn't.  It took everything to drive home and make it in the house before breaking down.  It's been 3 weeks since then so I'm feeling much better.  The extra hormones are out of my system and I think my ovaries are finally feeling normal again.  Ok, to be continued on Tuesday......

Lost....

Not really sure what to call it anymore.  Lost, depression, anxiety.  Any way you look at it, it's all just sadness.  I'm trying to not feel that way but feeling are what they are.  You can't just shut off feelings of sadness.  No, I don't want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to be happy but I'm not.  Since I've found out that the IVF didn't work I've been holding on till my appointment with the RE.  Well, I got a call from the office and they had to re-schedule due to other IVF's the Dr is handling on Monday.  I know the urgency of IVF and that possibly the same thing happened while I was getting my retrieval and transfer done.  It's hard to know how people will respond to the meds so appointments need to be flexible.  It's not logical but I feel like it didn't work and now the doctor doesn't want to be bothered with me.  I'm just a failure and he needs to work on IVF's that will be successful.  I know that is ridiculous to even think but I'm not feeling so great about myself these days and getting that phone call almost made me start crying uncontrollably but I managed to think of other things and get through the day without tears.  I need to relax.  I came home, fixed myself a rum and coke, got a nice bubble bath going and relaxed.  I think it's helped.  Anyway, I just want to know what the next steps are and start moving on it.  I need to know if my RE thinks we can do this again with my eggs?  I really want to but I think I will do what he recommends.  I only have 3 more tries before the insurance won't cover it and really, my goal is to be a mom.  Using DE will also reduce the risks associated with older eggs.  It's something to consider.  I want to be able to have healthy babies.  I just need to get the ball rolling.  I feel like I'm running out of time and that makes me feel desperate. 

Waiting for next steps and feeling normal....

Well, this proved to be an interesting week.  On Tuesday-Wednesday, I had the worst headache.  I took Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin PM.  It wouldn't go away.  Went to sleep with it, woke up with it, went to work with it.  Finally, on Wed, I decided to go to the urgent care and see if they could give me something stronger or at least determine if it was migraine or sinus.  I explained the whole IVF and failure and going off of all the meds.  She agreed it could be that but wanted to call an ambulance to rush me to the ER so they can run tests for aneurysm or brain tumor.  Really, a tumor.  Come on.  I was so pissed off.  I said no, signed a crap load of papers so I can leave against there recommendation and went home crying.  The pain was awful.  I spent an hour and half in that place, paid them money and got nothing.  I wound up taking Excedrin Migraine.  It gave me the shakes, kept me up all night but amazingly, the headache finally went away that evening.  I still don't feel like myself yet.  Still get cramps every once in awhile and some spotting.  I also go through bouts of highs and lows.  One minute I'm happy the next depressed.

I have my RE appointment next week to see where we go next.  I had been so excited that we got good eggs and that they fertilized and they were grade 1, 8 cell.  I want to understand what went wrong but my feeling is that its because of me.  That even though the eggs were good there was still something wrong with them.  All these years of waiting and now I am afraid that I won't be able to have a child with my genetics.  I pray and hope that my RE says we can still use my eggs.  I really want to.  J says we should go with what the doctor recommends because really the goal is to have a  baby.  To have a family.  I know that he's right but at the same time it hardly seems fair.  I felt so close to achieving our goal of making a baby.  We had my eggs fertilized with J's sperm and created an embryo.  A potential baby.  I spoke to them.  I hoped that they would have the will to implant and live but that didn't happen.  And I can't help feeling like it was my fault.  That my eggs aren't good enough.  That I'm not good enough.  I've tried to explain my feeling to J but he just doesn't get it.  He doesn't understand that I feel broken.  I feel like less of a woman because of this.  I guess I just need to wait till next week to hear what the doctor has to say.

Anyway, it's only a week and in the meantime, I'm doing stuff for me.  I went to the gym today for the 1st time in months.  I couldn't run because I still have pain in my lower abdomen but I did a brisk walk for 30 minutes.  It felt good and I plan to do it again this week.  All it takes is small steps to make lifelong changes.

Progesterone Withdrawal....

Ok, if it's not bad enough that this IVF didn't work out,  I had to stab myself with needles, bruise my stomach to look like a junkie and look beaten with black and blues, now I'm going through some sort of hormone withdrawal.  I have the most intense cramps since last night and now a headache  I'm just miserable. I've taken Advil but it doesn't seem to be working.  J is on a trip and I feel all alone right now.  Is this normal?   Why didn't they tell me I might feel like this.  I'm in agony right now.  I've never had cramps like this before.  Is something else wrong?  They are consistent cramps.  All last night and today.  I feel like I'm in hell.  J said I should go to the doctor but I feel foolish.  It's cramps, right?  Uhhhh, I don't know anymore.

It's an official BIG FAT NO.....

I'm amazed at how devastated I was when I heard the message.  Your Not Pregnant.  I took HPT's all week and saw that it was negative.  I knew but yet I needed to hear it officially and when I did, I nearly fell apart.  I could barely talk to J and I was good in telling everyone in chat or email but once I said it to someone, I lost it.  Luckily, my supervisor and team said it would be a good idea if I left early.  I really needed to get out of there. Once I got home and hopped into a hot bath, I broke down and let it all out.  I feel broken.  Everything seemed to go well.  What went wrong.  Is it me?  J is gone till Tuesday.  I feel so alone right now.  This is so painful.  I put my life in there hands.  It was the only way to do this without any stress.  Why does this have to be so hard.  All I want is to be a mother.  Am I asking for a lot.  I was so terrified at every turn.  First, I was afraid that J's sperm would be all dead when it came time to fertilize not to mention I was afraid that my eggs would be no good.  Then, once I got the info that all was good and had 2 grade 1 embryo's, I was more confident.  I guess, I just wanted to believe it would work for me right away.  That I would be different and all we needed was a little help to get pregnant.  I guess it's just more complex than that. I need to call and make an appointment to see my RE to see what went wrong.  I just really need to keep the faith but today and maybe for the rest of the weekend I really need to mourn this loss. I had 2 embryo's in my uterus and they both died instead of implanting.  It hurts.  I really wanted them both to be a part of my family.  Right now, all I can feel is sadness.  I just feel drained and exhausted. 

In need of hope....

It's Sunday morning.  6AM.  I woke at 4 and decided to take another pregnancy test.  Yesterday one of them was positive but I had an HCG booster on Friday. Today it's gotten lighter which means its leaving my system and the pregnancy hormone is not present.  My head says it too early to detect.  I'm only 9 days past ovulation.  My heart says something different.  I feel broken.  Until now I've been able to put my life in my RE hands and trust them.  But this is beyond them.  They have taken it as far as they can go.  It's in God's hands to do the rest and if it's not meant to be then it won't be.  It's just the thought of me not being pregnant makes me sad.  Two actual embryos were put in my uterus.  Something that was part me, part J.  We made 2 babies and I just want them to exist.  I want them to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.  I'm trying to keep the faith and pray for them.  It's so hard when I have no signs.  I know only time will tell and Thursday, I will have my blood test to confirm whether or not I'm pregnant.