Assessment #2

So, tomorrow we have someone coming to our home to do an assessment.  We did this with another company but we are still waiting for services.  But they have charged us $200 for doing the assessment.  That is our co-pay.  And we haven't even started therapy.  I'm hoping these people will be much quicker and hopefully start sooner rather than later.  I'm tired of waiting lists and not getting the help we need.  G seems to be in charge or we have meltdown after meltdown.  I can't take it anymore.  Last night, she came in our room and into bed.  I need a wash cloth, I need tissues.  Dirty tissues all over the bed and wet cloth on the sheets.  I slept in the guest room.  Tonight we need to keep her in her own bed.  I need sleep.  How do I get her to stay in her room.  Always, saying she scared of something lately.  I had a bad dream, etc, etc.  I need suggestions on how to keep her in her own room at night.

We all have strep...

 So J was sick last week.  But in man fashion, he didn't go to the doctor.  Yesterday, I started feeling very ill.  Fever, sore throat, chills.  G threw up in her bed, then later in ours, then after drinking some water, after the doctor did the strep test.  So much fun.  After her Dr app, we went to my Dr app and J checked into the urgent care next my doctor office.  Now we are all on antibiotics for the next 10 days.   And I've spent the better part of the day, washing/sterilizing all our bedding.  

Hopefully we start to feel better tomorrow. :(

No outlets

So apparently, I'm the one that has to take all the crap in this house.  Everyone is falling apart and I have to deal with it.  J just gets angry and makes it worse.  I'm tired.  All I see is him checking vitals over and over.  As if his life depends on it.  Our daughter is going to grow up seeing this and be affected by this.  I'm scared she'll be thinking it's normal to do this all the time.  I understand having tools available is nice but if he doesn't get a number he likes, he goes back on the treadmill.  He comes off shakey and has lost a lot of weight.  This is not normal behavior.  And I'm supposed to just take it.  I go upstairs to get some peace and he starts banging and yelling because the number on the machine isn't what he wants.  He does it again and again and again and same result.  I walk out frustrated and with anxiety because I have to get it from him and her and I'm just on edge all the time.  I can't get it out of my system.  Only him and her get to express themselves and I'm just supposed to sit there and take it.  This isn't the way I want to live the rest of my life.  If this is how it's going to be, I hope for it to be over soon. Maybe I should just stop going to my doctors, let my diabetes go out of control, get sick so I can maybe get a break.  I don't like thinking like that.  I'm trying hard to lose weight and lower my cholesterol so I don't need to take more meds.  But the garbage in this house is exhausting.  

Drained...

It's been a long week.  We made it through.  It was hard.  J is back home and Giuli is happier than ever.  I'm still trying to work on getting Giuli to listen to me.  Sometimes she just ignores me and does what she wants.  Yesterday, the daycare tried to help me by saying to her she needs to apologize for what she did. Sadly, she doesn't always seem to understand her actions.  And of course, lots of loud noises and crying on the way home as a result.  I wish I had the knowledge to fix what's going on inside of her.  We're still trying to find ABA care for her.  Just sitting on the waitlist and waiting for another to provide us with the assessment they did.  Everything takes so long to get done.  I'm glad her school started doing extra with her.  She goes to something called Lunch Bunch.  I think she likes it too.  Yesterday, she got 2 tokens so I told her if she can do that every day, I'll give her a matching dollar.  She wants to go to Target and she needs money for that.  Hoping a goal like that will give her incentive to do well in school. 

Does my daughter hate me?

I feel like I’m losing my girl to Autism.  I doubt myself more than ever these days. I take care of her.  Feed her. Help her get dressed, wash face and brush teeth.I help her brush her hair.  I take her to parks and try to set up play dates with other kids.  But all she says is go away.  I only want daddy.  Not just once but all the time.  No matter what I do with her she just wants me to go away.  The last few days have been hard.  I’m feeling emotional about it and have shed some tears.  I’m trying to figure out why she hates me so. Am I doing too much?  My heart breaks when she pushes me away when I know she’s hurting. Is this part of her autism? It seems that a year ago she went to the Daddy/Daughter dance and she was happy.  Yesterday, she wasn’t happy.  Was she having anxiety?  Not even sure since she doesn’t communicate with us.  Hopefully we can get help soon before we lose her forever to Autism.

Before they left for the dance.  No smiles 

During the dance when she saw her best friend was there

Little in rare form yesterday...

So we are in waiting mode for therapy for G.  I feel like we get the runaround a lot these days.  Last night was so hard. Something doesn't connect in her brain.  I told her we need to leave so she can get her pizza for dinner while she plays.  She just sat there playing on her tablet.  Nothing.  Last time she didn't get to eat there she had a meltdown in the parking lot.  Laying on the ground.  I wanted to avoid that happening again and explained but she doesn't get it.  Still has no concept of time.  We need help figuring out how to parent her.  Then last night before bed she wanted to have some Fanta.  Dad says yes so I go with it.  She now is trying to pretent to pour from an open bottle into her dolls mouth.  I tell her to stop, she'll spill, but doesn't listen so I try to stop her. Then it spills and she says its my fault.  Of course she takes no responsibility when I said not to do that.  Because she thinks she can do whatever she wants and the reality is she can't.  She touches peoples belongings and goes into their bags. No understanding or remorse.  When someone took something from her bag she didn't like it.  She was upset but she can't turn it around to understand that she can't do that either.  We are challenged.  Praying for a good day today.  Hoping to take her for her swim lesson and maybe we can go skating.  Something different to do.

Tired of being worried all the time...

Yes, I worry a lot these days.  Money is the big issue.  Will we make it till J gets back to work?  I don't know anymore.  I want to see if we can skip any payments but J keeps saying they'll cut us off on credit.  Well, let's be real, when we don't pay and our accounts are overdrawn, then what, they'll just ignore the missing payments and let us use our open credit.  NOT.  But what do I know.  I'm just a full time employee and mom of a seven year old and have struggled for years to pay down our debt only to wind up in the same situation.  I've cashed in all the savings, investments and 401K money I can scrounge up to pay.  It's not looking pretty anymore.  I worry that when J goes back to work, he'll just spend like even more as if we don't have debt to pay back.  It has to stop.  At this point, I'll be working till I die.  

My other worry is my daughter.  J has ideas on giving money rewards and I want to change that.  I suggested it and he said he agreed, then a couple of weeks later he said he wants to give her money rewards.  I think she should have an allowance.  No strings attached allowance.  Good behavior shouldn't be rewarded with cash.  She just needs to have good behavior.  

That's my rant of the day.  Thanks for listening.

Praying for change in 2024

2023 was a hard year.  We had G evaluated and found out she has Level 1 Autism.  A lot makes sense now but still dealing with her being so difficult with lots of big emotions and no way to handle it.  Hoping for help from Autism Learning Centers but we'll see.  I'm not impressed with the speed they want you to take but not them.  We've called and had our paperwork done and now waiting again till they are ready to call us.  This started at the end of November so you can see why I'm frustrated.  And right now, I'm ready to go out with G for the afternoon but she's just whining.  I can't do this or that.  I can't brush my teeth, I can't walk, I can only whine very loudly.  I love my girl but this part of her is hard.  She doesn't say what's wrong.  Just gets mad and actsw out.  Doesn't say something happened or what's making her upset even if she knows why.  ON PAUSE

I'm back.  She's now having hot cocoa and watching her tablet.  She's still a mess but happier.  I on the other hand have fear and worry in the next month.  I don't know how I'll pay our bills.  I just don't know anymore.  Jim keeps saying wait.  Always has regret about something.  I should have done this instead of that.  I should have done that instead of this.  Never happy with decisions.  My bank accounts have been drained and I'm thinking I need to get a part time job.  He won't do it.  I'm the one who will have to work and work and work and take care of G and clean the house and run around while he takes care of himself.  I've never seen anyone in my life procrastinate as much as he does.  I'm stressed about this, about that, etc.  I'm just so fed up with it all.  And super tired today.  Low energy.  

Maybe, just maybe, I need to take care of myself for once.  

HAPPY 2024.  PRAYING FOR PEACE, LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

Healthcare and meds...

So, G had some crazy looking marks on her leg.  Possibly bug bites but I wanted to have it looked at since it was so many and so round. I was lucky to get an app the next day in the morning with her doctor.  We decided that since it was the Dr and not the NP we would ask the her questions about coming off the meds. When J mentioned it the nurse who checked us in she looked pissed off and was very combative.  I don't know why.  I'm not sure what she gained from acting like that.  She didn't want us to talk to the Dr about it because we have an app in Sept to review it.  But why was is it that she was so freaking angry about it.  If it was the NP, we would have just had her look at G's leg and we'd be done.  Anyway, we got a prescription to start her coming off the meds. We started on Saturday and by Sunday, we had a change of heart and gave her the extra dose.  Sunday and Monday were ugly days for G.  No self control at all.  I was terrified for her and anyone she would come in contact with.  She wasn't being bad.  Just so wild.  Anyway, she had an incident at school so we are now waiting to get with the pyschiatrist and we'll assess whats needed then.  So much for taking her off meds we didn't think worked anyway.  

Challenges...

I feel like I'm drowning in responsibilties. I get up at 6:30pm to get ready.  Then get G up to get ready.  We've started picking out clothes the night before to alleviate the struggle in the morning.  It seems to be working for now.  Then get her breakfast, put her bag together, get her meds together, pack her snack and water.  After that, we go back upstairs to brush teeth and wash face.  In between with her running to J to say hello and not do what she's supposed to do.  Finally all of are in the car and we drop her off.  Then, I get home, make my breakfast and coffee and work.  I do some side hustle and get my act together for my day job.  Now, I'm reminding J to do things, throwing in load of laundry, again reminding J to do things, working, figuring out dinner, keeping the kitchen clean, possibly pulling out the vaccum and going back to work, etc.  Now we are trying to get G off the current meds but it's all such a mess.  According to the doctor's office ,she should have been monitored every 3 months by the prescriber which we weren't aware of.  Anyway, just not happy these days with healthcare.