Feeling sad...

I wonder if it's all the hormones just going back to it's normal self.  Every day I feel something different.  Lately, it's been sadness and despair.  Not all day long.  But a lot of the time.  I feel tired, drained, sad and alone.  J seems oblivious sometimes.  He works on his models all day and night and doesn't seem to notice that I need him to be with me.  Why is it like that?  Even when I ask him to stay with me he doesn't really do it.  Why doesn't he get it?  Seems that he only notices when I don't get up and just stay curled up in bed for long periods of time.  Otherwise he's just in his own world.  I feel like I have to do everything.  Pay the bills, take care of the cats, clean up the house.  He just builds his models and that's all.  His job is done.  I'm the sucker that has to work all day and come home and work all night.  Maybe that's also why I'm feeling sad.  I want a partner and I'm not getting one.  And right now, I need him to be there for me and he's not.

Depression...

I started to miscarry on Wednesday night.  I found some painkillers so I took that which helped.  Now I have cramps on and off since then.  I'm glad it started and my body is starting to feel somewhat normal again. Well, sort of.  Maybe not.  Things are so depressing right now.  Sometimes I feel so sad all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there.   I'm worried about everything.  Worried about money, paying bills, J's dismal disability check, being able to get to NY for my Dad's unveiling, paying for our next trip to SC.  I want to try again but it's hard when all I think about is doom and gloom these days.  I'm hoping it's just my crazy hormones.  I just want to feel normal again.  I don't want to just go home and sleep all day and night.  And I can do that apparently.  I did it last weekend. Maybe this weekend will be better. 

Miscarriage...

U/S showed no growth since last week.  I now have to wait it out for the next few weeks and hope I miscarry on my own.  If not, I'll have to call my GYN and see if she'll do a D&C.  I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.   The sooner I get this over with, the sooner I'll be able to move on and heal.  My hormones are still raging and I'm never sure when I'll lose it.  I hate the way this feels.

Praying for miracles...

I keep searching the internet.  I keep trying to find stories similar to mine.  I just want this to be ok.  This is the baby I want.  I had thought it was meant to be.  I'm just not ready to give up.  That's what my heart says at least.  My head is thinking this is over and I need to accept it.  That this isn't our take home baby.  Please be wrong. I feel so alone sometimes.  

Waiting....

I had my first u/s yesterday and things didn't go as planned.  J and I both knew something was wrong. The tech had a hard time finding the sac and when she finally did she measured 4 weeks 6 days.  No heartbeat was detected.  I should be 6 weeks 5 days.   What really made me mad is that J was calculating based on the fertilization date and that would make everything on track.  I told him it doesn't work that way.  The tech refused to set him straight and that got me more upset.  She even agreed with him.  This woman works in a fertility clinic and she knows how these things are calculated.  She said I shouldn't worry and I was pregnant.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there after that.  The sent an email to my nurse telling her what happened and what the tech measured.  She asked if we heard the heartbeat and also confirmed that I should be 6 weeks and 5 days.  They got the report faxed and it wasn't legible so they had to wait to call them.  The Dr called me last night and said I will likely miscarry but since they didn't do the u/s they wanted me to repeat that next Monday. So now I have an appointment for Monday.  I'm praying for miracle.  I'm praying the tech was a moron and incompetent.  I just want this to be alright.