We all have strep...

 So J was sick last week.  But in man fashion, he didn't go to the doctor.  Yesterday, I started feeling very ill.  Fever, sore throat, chills.  G threw up in her bed, then later in ours, then after drinking some water, after the doctor did the strep test.  So much fun.  After her Dr app, we went to my Dr app and J checked into the urgent care next my doctor office.  Now we are all on antibiotics for the next 10 days.   And I've spent the better part of the day, washing/sterilizing all our bedding.  

Hopefully we start to feel better tomorrow. :(

No outlets

So apparently, I'm the one that has to take all the crap in this house.  Everyone is falling apart and I have to deal with it.  J just gets angry and makes it worse.  I'm tired.  All I see is him checking vitals over and over.  As if his life depends on it.  Our daughter is going to grow up seeing this and be affected by this.  I'm scared she'll be thinking it's normal to do this all the time.  I understand having tools available is nice but if he doesn't get a number he likes, he goes back on the treadmill.  He comes off shakey and has lost a lot of weight.  This is not normal behavior.  And I'm supposed to just take it.  I go upstairs to get some peace and he starts banging and yelling because the number on the machine isn't what he wants.  He does it again and again and again and same result.  I walk out frustrated and with anxiety because I have to get it from him and her and I'm just on edge all the time.  I can't get it out of my system.  Only him and her get to express themselves and I'm just supposed to sit there and take it.  This isn't the way I want to live the rest of my life.  If this is how it's going to be, I hope for it to be over soon. Maybe I should just stop going to my doctors, let my diabetes go out of control, get sick so I can maybe get a break.  I don't like thinking like that.  I'm trying hard to lose weight and lower my cholesterol so I don't need to take more meds.  But the garbage in this house is exhausting.  

Drained...

It's been a long week.  We made it through.  It was hard.  J is back home and Giuli is happier than ever.  I'm still trying to work on getting Giuli to listen to me.  Sometimes she just ignores me and does what she wants.  Yesterday, the daycare tried to help me by saying to her she needs to apologize for what she did. Sadly, she doesn't always seem to understand her actions.  And of course, lots of loud noises and crying on the way home as a result.  I wish I had the knowledge to fix what's going on inside of her.  We're still trying to find ABA care for her.  Just sitting on the waitlist and waiting for another to provide us with the assessment they did.  Everything takes so long to get done.  I'm glad her school started doing extra with her.  She goes to something called Lunch Bunch.  I think she likes it too.  Yesterday, she got 2 tokens so I told her if she can do that every day, I'll give her a matching dollar.  She wants to go to Target and she needs money for that.  Hoping a goal like that will give her incentive to do well in school. 

Does my daughter hate me?

I feel like I’m losing my girl to Autism.  I doubt myself more than ever these days. I take care of her.  Feed her. Help her get dressed, wash face and brush teeth.I help her brush her hair.  I take her to parks and try to set up play dates with other kids.  But all she says is go away.  I only want daddy.  Not just once but all the time.  No matter what I do with her she just wants me to go away.  The last few days have been hard.  I’m feeling emotional about it and have shed some tears.  I’m trying to figure out why she hates me so. Am I doing too much?  My heart breaks when she pushes me away when I know she’s hurting. Is this part of her autism? It seems that a year ago she went to the Daddy/Daughter dance and she was happy.  Yesterday, she wasn’t happy.  Was she having anxiety?  Not even sure since she doesn’t communicate with us.  Hopefully we can get help soon before we lose her forever to Autism.

Before they left for the dance.  No smiles 

During the dance when she saw her best friend was there

Little in rare form yesterday...

So we are in waiting mode for therapy for G.  I feel like we get the runaround a lot these days.  Last night was so hard. Something doesn't connect in her brain.  I told her we need to leave so she can get her pizza for dinner while she plays.  She just sat there playing on her tablet.  Nothing.  Last time she didn't get to eat there she had a meltdown in the parking lot.  Laying on the ground.  I wanted to avoid that happening again and explained but she doesn't get it.  Still has no concept of time.  We need help figuring out how to parent her.  Then last night before bed she wanted to have some Fanta.  Dad says yes so I go with it.  She now is trying to pretent to pour from an open bottle into her dolls mouth.  I tell her to stop, she'll spill, but doesn't listen so I try to stop her. Then it spills and she says its my fault.  Of course she takes no responsibility when I said not to do that.  Because she thinks she can do whatever she wants and the reality is she can't.  She touches peoples belongings and goes into their bags. No understanding or remorse.  When someone took something from her bag she didn't like it.  She was upset but she can't turn it around to understand that she can't do that either.  We are challenged.  Praying for a good day today.  Hoping to take her for her swim lesson and maybe we can go skating.  Something different to do.

Tired of being worried all the time...

Yes, I worry a lot these days.  Money is the big issue.  Will we make it till J gets back to work?  I don't know anymore.  I want to see if we can skip any payments but J keeps saying they'll cut us off on credit.  Well, let's be real, when we don't pay and our accounts are overdrawn, then what, they'll just ignore the missing payments and let us use our open credit.  NOT.  But what do I know.  I'm just a full time employee and mom of a seven year old and have struggled for years to pay down our debt only to wind up in the same situation.  I've cashed in all the savings, investments and 401K money I can scrounge up to pay.  It's not looking pretty anymore.  I worry that when J goes back to work, he'll just spend like even more as if we don't have debt to pay back.  It has to stop.  At this point, I'll be working till I die.  

My other worry is my daughter.  J has ideas on giving money rewards and I want to change that.  I suggested it and he said he agreed, then a couple of weeks later he said he wants to give her money rewards.  I think she should have an allowance.  No strings attached allowance.  Good behavior shouldn't be rewarded with cash.  She just needs to have good behavior.  

That's my rant of the day.  Thanks for listening.