So the school year begins and some things end...

It's been a hard end of summer.  A few weeks ago our cat, Amelia, passed away.  She was over 20 years old and I know she lived a great life with lots of love.  The hardest part of this is my little girl.  She was devastated.  J was away and it happened so quickly.  She stopped eating Tuesday night and Wednesday in the middle of the night she became so weak she couldn't make it to her litter box.  I told G in the morning to say goodbye because she probably wouldn't be with us.  She just walked downstairs and didn't say anything and went into her tent.  A minute later she came out hysterical.  She wanted to go with me to the vet to say goodbye.  I knew it wouldn't be a good idea with me on my own.  I reached out to the ABA therapist and she said she'd come by and we could all go together.  I had an appointment at 3pm.  I wasn't sure Amelia would make it till 3 but I didn't have a choice.  She slept by her water dish, then I moved her to her bed.  She stayed there sleeping till I had to pick her up.  She was so close to dying in my arms.  I kept my cool and got her in her carrier.  She didn't pick up her head or struggle.  She made gurgling noises but remained alive.  I didn't say anything in the car.  I just drove to the vet.  The Dr said her heartbeat was really slow and asked me if I wanted them to give her a shot to help her go to sleep.  G was inconsolable and I was having a hard time controlling my emotions as well.  The Vets office let us stay there as long as we needed.  I needed G to calm down and I needed to stop crying as well.  This was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  

After this event, we moved on to J coming home and attending G's orientation with her teacher.  After that, G didn't sleep Wed or Thurs night with the anticipation of the first day of school coming.  After getting 2 write ups at daycare in one day, I was ready for school to begin and a new routine to start.  

It's been a full week and so far she's doing well.  Her teacher said she's a great student.  She had her first gymnastics class on Saturday and she did amazing.   We also went to the pool and we invited her friend and mom to come along.  It was all going well till the floated popped.  Then she cried her eyes out.  Then I said it was time to go and she through a tantrum. A really big tantrum.  Screaming, crying, carrying on the entire time to the car and home.  I'm trying to give her some grace with school starting and everything.  I know she doesn't do well with change.  Also, she had a change in meds so I can see that being an issue.  Sunday went better when we went to the pool.  I warned her if she had another episode we won't be going next weekend.  

Anyway, her new issue is her disrespect to me.  She calls me stupid and dumb.  Says she hates me, etc.. This has been happening all weekend.  It's not very nice and I'll be bringing it up with the ABA therapists on our call today.  I'm tired of being the bad guy.  Always on her back to do something.  Sometimes I'd like J to be that guy sometimes.  

ABA therapy and strange viruses...

 So we've begun intense ABA therapy daily and even all day on Saturday's.  G goes back and forth with bad behavior depending on who is here.  She doesn't like it when she feels like someone is ruining her fun but she's really showing poor judgement.  It's not ok to just walk out the door without asking us first.  It's not ok to climb over the couch instead of walking around it.  It's not ok to just go through the pantry or fridge and just take whatever you feel like.  They are trying to correct her and she doesn't like it. Last night was Friday and we stayed in instead of going out.  She was hungry and not acting ok in the car.  J was going to see if she was doing well, we can go out but as soon as she started throwing things, he said no way now.  Anyway, she was very hungry and tired.  She wound up falling asleep next to the cat in my office.  The ABA therapist sat with her.  Next thing she hears is the snoring.  Overall, she did ok with sleeping even though she had napped for at least an hour.  

J on the other hand has himself stressed to the max.  Someone says a possible diagnosis and now he's in a tailspin of depression, yelling at me, etc.  I can't say a word without getting snapped at.  It's a lot to deal with these days.  I'm sort of done with it all.  I'm ready for him to die and me figure out how to dig ourselves out of the financial mess we're in without him around.  I mean he's convinced his life is over then maybe I need to accept that and just prepare for it.  I try supporting him but unless I totally agree with him dying, I get yelled at.  I'm so sick of it all.  I live on eggshells in my own house when I'm around him.  He stays upstairs all morning/afternoon and I don't see him unless he comes downstairs for lunch when I'm eating.  He doesn't help me around the house, no cleaning up anything.  It's all on me to do.  I work all day and in-between, I try and clean something up.  It's the best I can do right now.  I take care of the bills, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, take care of getting G dressed for the day, undressed for the night, brushing her teeth, washing her face, brushing her hair, washing her up, taking her to fun places to have fun, etc.  

JUST EXHAUSTED AND READY TO CALL IT QUITS ON LIFE.  

Did I say that loud enough?

How do I survive this...

G seems so unhappy these days.  I think she is becoming more aware of the meds and says she doesn't like them and doesn't like how she feels.  She keeps blaming me for making her feel that way.  I'm at a loss.  She's always saying why does she have to go to school when her friend doesn't.  (I really don't know what her friends family does and if they do or don't let their daughter stay home more than G.  She is in Kindergarten and G is in 1st Grade).  She wants to have a little sister and blames that on me too.  I wanted her to have a sibling but J didn't want to move forward.  He wanted so much for my age to be an issue and was so upset the Dr gave me the go ahead to try again.  Reality is, he didn't want another child and I'm being blamed by her for not having another.  I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard when your child blames everything on you at such a young age.  She's not grateful for anything she has and I don't know how to get it through to her about that. With our trip to school today, I came home feeling lost and sad.  I don't know how to feel happy anymore.  

Assessment #2

So, tomorrow we have someone coming to our home to do an assessment.  We did this with another company but we are still waiting for services.  But they have charged us $200 for doing the assessment.  That is our co-pay.  And we haven't even started therapy.  I'm hoping these people will be much quicker and hopefully start sooner rather than later.  I'm tired of waiting lists and not getting the help we need.  G seems to be in charge or we have meltdown after meltdown.  I can't take it anymore.  Last night, she came in our room and into bed.  I need a wash cloth, I need tissues.  Dirty tissues all over the bed and wet cloth on the sheets.  I slept in the guest room.  Tonight we need to keep her in her own bed.  I need sleep.  How do I get her to stay in her room.  Always, saying she scared of something lately.  I had a bad dream, etc, etc.  I need suggestions on how to keep her in her own room at night.

We all have strep...

 So J was sick last week.  But in man fashion, he didn't go to the doctor.  Yesterday, I started feeling very ill.  Fever, sore throat, chills.  G threw up in her bed, then later in ours, then after drinking some water, after the doctor did the strep test.  So much fun.  After her Dr app, we went to my Dr app and J checked into the urgent care next my doctor office.  Now we are all on antibiotics for the next 10 days.   And I've spent the better part of the day, washing/sterilizing all our bedding.  

Hopefully we start to feel better tomorrow. :(

No outlets

So apparently, I'm the one that has to take all the crap in this house.  Everyone is falling apart and I have to deal with it.  J just gets angry and makes it worse.  I'm tired.  All I see is him checking vitals over and over.  As if his life depends on it.  Our daughter is going to grow up seeing this and be affected by this.  I'm scared she'll be thinking it's normal to do this all the time.  I understand having tools available is nice but if he doesn't get a number he likes, he goes back on the treadmill.  He comes off shakey and has lost a lot of weight.  This is not normal behavior.  And I'm supposed to just take it.  I go upstairs to get some peace and he starts banging and yelling because the number on the machine isn't what he wants.  He does it again and again and again and same result.  I walk out frustrated and with anxiety because I have to get it from him and her and I'm just on edge all the time.  I can't get it out of my system.  Only him and her get to express themselves and I'm just supposed to sit there and take it.  This isn't the way I want to live the rest of my life.  If this is how it's going to be, I hope for it to be over soon. Maybe I should just stop going to my doctors, let my diabetes go out of control, get sick so I can maybe get a break.  I don't like thinking like that.  I'm trying hard to lose weight and lower my cholesterol so I don't need to take more meds.  But the garbage in this house is exhausting.