IVF #3 is up next.....

Well, I had my RE app yesterday.  He mentioned how wonderful the embies looked.  Picture perfect, exactly like you see in books.  Then he talked about waiting till they are blastocysts which is five day old embryos.  However, waiting that long could mean the death of the only 2 embryos I had so he didn't think that was an option.  Next topic was the DE.  I think I am ready for that option however I brought up the insurance nightmare that will be coming and he changed his tune.  His reasons for mentioning the DE was obviously because we are spinning our wheels right now and these embryos just won't implant and live beyond day 3 and he didn't want me to waste my last 2 cycles on my own eggs.  I want to be a mom.  I want to have a family so DE is fine at this point.  We just don't have the 8-12K for the donor and since the insurance is going to change and may not have any infertility coverage then we might as well go for it before it changes.  If it doesn't work then we'll save up our money for a donor cycle.  Apparently, time is not an issue if we go down that road.  In the meantime, I plan to start exercising, learn Yoga and eat better.  I'm taking a load of vitamins so I'm hoping that helps things out.  Maybe we'll have the golden egg this time.  I just want to get on with my life already and have our family.  It's so hard to see so many women at work get pregnant so easily.  I wonder why it has to be difficult for us.  I feel broken.  All these years wasted  I wish I had known then and I wouldn't have waited.  I always assumed that it was because J was always on the road so our opportunities were slim.  Anyway, drugs are in the process of being ordered so this cycle is on it's way.  Let the games begin. 

Reflections....

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days.  Looking back at the beginning for J and I.  We've gone through so much.  We've been married for over 13 years.  I thought for sure we would have had children by now.  I remember feeling the moments of sheer panic, frustration and anger when J was away on a trip.  I would have these mini screaming and crying fits.  Then he would come home and everything would be okay again.  This year, my crying fits have been from the recent IVF failures.  I want to know what's wrong with me.  What did I do wrong that I can't be blessed with a child.  Are we destined to live our lives without children.  I don't know if J cares about that as much as I do.  It's all I live for and I'm scared it will never happen.  I don't want to grow old angry and upset over what I never got to have.  Lately, I've been feeling really alone and sad.  I hope my RE has answers on Monday.  It's Friday and no phone call to cancel so I guess the appointment is still on.  I'm glad, because I really want to get started on the next cycle ASAP.

Ok, the world isn't ending....

Today is much better than yesterday and my life isn't over.  I re-read my post and it sounded so morbid.  Anyway, I'm feeling much better today.  J and I talked some more and decided that we'll move forward as quickly as we can on the next IVF cycle before the benefits change over to the new company.  Let's hope the RE agrees with us and has some ideas or answers as to why both my IVF cycles failed.  I've been doing some research myself and I plan to come armed with my info. 

Changes.....

Well, here I am thinking I have 2 more IVF tries only to find out today my company was sold to another company.  Benefits to be determined within the next few weeks.  My hopes have been dashed away.  We've only been lucky enough to do IVF because of my health benefits.  Not all companies have fertility coverage.  As a matter of fact, this is the first one I ever worked for that had these benefits.  I've spent the day in a fog.  Walking around and trying not to focus on the inevitable.  I made it to the car at around 5:30 and basically cried all the way home and all night so far.  I feel drained.  J doesn't understand.  The last five years have been difficult.  We basically lost everything and we're still working to build it back up.  Except age doesn't wait. Saving the money will take at least a year that I don't have.  I know he wants things to work out but I am feeling so alone right now.  I want to know why things are so difficult for us.  What did I do wrong to deserve this.  I feel like I am being punished.  I am losing my will to go on like this.  The only reason I've stayed with this company is because of my desire to have a family and now I feel like it will never happen.  That I'm destined to live a life without children.  I have a big black hole in me that will never be filled.  I'll never hear the words "I love you mom."  It's painful right now to have to face this.  I feel like my youth is over and all I have left to look forward to is death. 

Dreaded two week wait is over.....

....and the answer is another BIG FAT NEG.  I won't say that I'm not disappointed, discouraged and sad that my embies didn't survive and implant.  It hurts so much.  I feel so empty.  I have a black hole in me that will never be complete.  Women who get pregnant easily are so lucky.  They'll never have to feel the disappointment month after month, year after year.  I'm sure they have other challenges but right now I wish I was in there shoes.  People say "relax and it will happen".  News Flash people, after 8 years I'm sure my relaxation techniques aren't the issue.  At least J was home when I got the call.  I'm glad he was home this time.  I handled it much better than the last time.  What's funny is that later that day we were leaving Walmart and the Ultrasound Tech that called to give me the bad news was coming into Walmart.  She probably hates that part of her job.  I know what it feels like to be the messenger and it's not an easy thing to do.  I'm sure the last thing she wanted to see is one of the people she had to call and give bad news to.   Well, I'm not going to give up.  I'm feeling tired and have cramps on and off but I'll survive and try again.  I am reading a lot on things like DHEA.  I'm going to do some research and see what my RE says about it.  I'm feeling like I'm running out of options so it's that and hopefully some sort of change in diet. 

The dreaded two week wait....

Okay.  So yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I got a cab company to come and take me to the hospital.  It was only a $5 fare.  That part went well.  They check me in and they had no beds available so they set me up in a room with only a reclining chair and some plastic bags since once they took me into the OR, they would move my stuff to my room.  So, then the nurse comes in for vitals including taking a sample of blood.  She couldn't find a vein and insisted on using the back of my hand.  I really hate that.  Anyway, she then gives me my Valium and it hits me hard.  Man I was flying high.  Of course, my RE comes in while I'm high on the Valium so I'm not completely sure what he said.  He seemed pleased, I think he mentioned hatching, then I was put on a gurney/bed and whisked off to the OR.  Room full of nurses, embryologist, ultrasound tech, etc.and I'm exposed from the waist down for all to see.  If I wasn't so high on the Valium, I might have been more embarrassed.  Things were a little different this time.  They covered my legs before placing in the stirrups and this time strapped them down.  I don't think they did that the first time.  I don't recall so many people in the OR the last time either.  Anyway, after they took me back to my room to rest.  I was still quite out of it and my RE came in to check on me.  I should have asked him then what he said to me before the transfer but I was still rather out of it.  Then I found out I needed to have my blood drawn again because they screwed up with the lab on the first test.  She tried to get me in my arm, then switched to my hand above the thumb.  I don't like the nurses getting blood from me in those places.  In fact it really upsets me when I have bruises all over the place.  So, I wait the appropriate amount of time and the nurse comes in and give me a phone number to call the cab company.  The dispatcher says he can only do it for 15.  I live less than 5 minutes away and he also said, I should call when I'm outside because it will take hours to get out, he knows.  Anyway, I call the cab company that took me and it turns out to be the same people.  I asked him why the fare went up 10 from a few hours earlier and then I hung up on him.  Luckily, I had another # so I called them.  They showed up in 20 minutes and they didn't have to wait for me.  I was already discharged.  Anyway, I'm now home and resting on my second day after transfer.  I'm feeling positive that this will be the one.  I imagine my embies snuggling in my uterus and making a home for the next nine months.  I hope they want to stay with me and J.  I really hope and pray that God will let them grow into beautiful babies for us to care for forever.