Reflections....

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days.  Looking back at the beginning for J and I.  We've gone through so much.  We've been married for over 13 years.  I thought for sure we would have had children by now.  I remember feeling the moments of sheer panic, frustration and anger when J was away on a trip.  I would have these mini screaming and crying fits.  Then he would come home and everything would be okay again.  This year, my crying fits have been from the recent IVF failures.  I want to know what's wrong with me.  What did I do wrong that I can't be blessed with a child.  Are we destined to live our lives without children.  I don't know if J cares about that as much as I do.  It's all I live for and I'm scared it will never happen.  I don't want to grow old angry and upset over what I never got to have.  Lately, I've been feeling really alone and sad.  I hope my RE has answers on Monday.  It's Friday and no phone call to cancel so I guess the appointment is still on.  I'm glad, because I really want to get started on the next cycle ASAP.