9/11

So hard to believe it's been 10 years.  I remember that day well.  I grew up in NY.  My family and friends still live in NY.  I was at work in Chicago when I realized what had happened.  J was at home.  Still sleeping and safe.  I'm not sure if I was moved more because I grew up in NY.  Or maybe it was because my innocence was lost that day.  I never believed we were ever in danger of a terrorist attack that could kill over 3000 lives in one day.  I still have a hard time believing it but today it all comes back to me.  It's a reality.  Like it just happened yesterday.  J is flying today but no where near NY. So much has changed since that day.  I haven't returned to see what NYC looks like without the Twin Towers.  It will never be the same.  I grew up with those buildings as the backdrop of photos from the Staten Island Ferry and from Brooklyn Heights.  From the Statue of Liberty.  I wonder what it looks like now.  I see it on TV but that's just not the same.  Maybe it's time to visit my family.  Anyway, it feels like such a sad day today. 

Wondering....

Sometimes I feel like I go through life wishing it was a day later.  Every Monday is dreaded and can't wait for it to end.  Then Tuesday goes by and I'm thankful that Wednesday will be here and it's the middle of the week.  Wednesday is good because I know I'm in the middle and at the end of the day I will be looking forward to Thursday because now I only have 2 days left till the end.  And of course, Friday comes and I ever so grateful because now I have Sat and Sun off to relax.  I feel like I wish my life away and now that I'm in my 40's I have nothing to show for it.  I've spent so much time wishing for the next day to come.  Now I'm wishing for the time to go by so we can start our next IVF treatment.  I'm excited about it but at the same time it still feels like a lifetime away.  I'm worried about so much.  Right now, it's not looking good my previous IVF getting paid for by the insurance.  The last few weeks I've talked to the RE's office and I've been getting the run around.  They knew my company was being sold and they told me the procedure would be paid for since I started treatment prior to the sale.  Now I talk to the office and I get the craziest questions.  Like implying that I had this same coverage for the entire year except my first 2 procedures were fully covered.  Then, I was asked if I changed jobs.  Really?  We talked about all this prior to anything happening and now it's all a problem. They assured me that the costs will be covered.  J said he would go to the RE's office and talk to them in person. He said we'll file an appeal and he'll work out a payment plan with the hospital.  I'm just so upset.  It's over $8.000 in medical bills that would have only cost us $250 and I think my RE's office screwed up when they said it would all be covered.  Now we are getting the run around.  I had hoped to get a loan to help pay for the next IVF but looks like I'll have to wait a bit longer and pay for it ourselves.  I wanted to start at the beginning of the year but I might have to wait till around April or May.  I've waited this long, I guess a few months more is ok. 

Anyway, J & I had an interested holiday weekend.  J has been going crazy buying cars and car parts for his projects.  Well, he took my car out to Lansing, MI to look at and buy a car.  He rented a Uhaul truck and dolly to tow the car back and left my car in Lansing.  We rented a one way car to Lansing to pick up my car.  We were almost there when I asked the loaded question.  You have the keys to the Nissan, right?  Well, the answer was no.  Now, we were so flustered we missed the exit to the airport  The rental is almost of out gas and we don't know where we are.  I start looking up Nissan dealerships on my iPhone to see if any are open.  It's 1:45 and they are closing at 2PM.  Luckily, we found a gas station.  We also called Budget rental to see what it would cost to extend the rental till the next day.  Well, that was out of the question at an extra $300.  Then we started calling locksmiths.  We found one that was open and he met us at the airport.  Took him about 30 minutes and only $85 and a sigh of relief.  Weekend came close to being a disaster but luckily it was just a small setback and ended great.  And we still have Monday to enjoy.

Staying Positive....

I'm trying.  TTC and not getting anywhere is exhausting and disappointing.  It's something I have no control over and I need to keep reminding myself of that.  I just want it now.  And why not?  I've been trying for years and it hardly seems fair anymore.  It seems the ladies at work get preggo by drinking the water.  They don't know how lucky they are.  But seeing them everyday has been difficult.  I was talking with one of my co-workers and the subject came up.  I usually say we are trying and having some difficulties.  They know how old I am.  Anyway, she said, "you can take one of mine".  Really?  I don't want her kid, I want my own kid.  I know she didn't realize she said anything wrong but it stung.  I'm counting the months till we get close to the end of the year.  We plan to do a consult with the clinic and apply for a loan.  Hopefully, everything will work out this time.  I'm not looking forward to the shots again but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  Anyway, we're still trying naturally but ever since my last IVF, my cycle is not the same  Not sure why but I'll keep trying even though it's been hard.  J has a lousy job for TTC.  That along with both our IF issues doesn't make it easy.  I'm thinking that it's crazy to try to take all these supplements.  They are expensive and I could be putting that money away for the IVF next year.  Well, it's only 4 more months.  Just wish it was now.  

Seriously feels like we have everything working against us....

Okay.  So we are trying to conceive naturally while saving our dollars for DE/IVF next year. It can't hurt right?  Anyway, I'm tracking my cycle and we figured out that on J's next 3 days off will be perfect timing.  At least that's how my cycle has been for years. Ovulate between the 16th and 18th day of my cycle.  I use a CBE monitor as well as BBT to help predict ovulation.  Apparently, I'm ready to ovulate now.  Today, day 15.  I already got the peak reading Sat and Sun.  It's Monday and we've had nasty storms that caused ground delays where he is now.  So, he finally got on the plane so now I sigh with relief that he's on his way.  Hold on, phone rings. Plane broke.  De-planing.  It's after 9PM and he's been trying to get home since 6PM his time.  If I don't hear from him, it means he's on his way finally.  They were swapping planes on our last conversation.  I'm hoping tomorrow isn't too late but only time will tell.  It can't hurt to try anyway. 

Making deals with myself...

I've been trying to get healthy again.  Eat better, lose weight, exercise on a regular basis.  I make these deals with myself a lot.  I start out well and then I lose momentum.  I'm hoping this time is different.  I'm making smaller goals and hoping I can keep those.  Jeez, I'm only letting myself down.  Interestingly enough I'm more upset when I let other people down and not myself.  I guess I can make excuses for myself which I can accept.  Anyway, I did well last weekend and I even went to the gym on Wed.  I planned to go tonight but I did so much walking up and down the stairs at work my feet and legs are killing me right now.  But, I will go tomorrow and Sunday for sure.  Another deal but I think it's one I will keep. 

Insurance Crap...

Ok.  So yesterday, I looked on the billing website at the hospital that I had my IVF done.  The first bill, which is the big bill was gone.  I thought, my RE's office did take care of it.  Awesome job.  Well, not so fast.  Just now I got the notification that my bill is in and awaiting payment.  Joy.  5 thousand something dollars.  Great.  I am so confused because WIN is billing the insurance 17K and the hospital is billing me 5K plus.  I guess I'll call my RE's office tomorrow and see what's going on.  There are still more outstanding bills and I want this resolved.  I don't want the money I'm saving to go to the hospital. It's bad enough I have lost my full IF coverage mid year.  I just wish this would all go away.  It seems sometimes that some people have it so much easier.  I know the grass is always greener but right now it just feels like that.  Some people are in the right place at the right time and get rewarded.  I know people say that God only gives you as much as you can handle.  I feel like I've reached my breaking point but it just keeps on coming.  I know we'll get this resolved one way or another.  I'm just tired of getting the short end of the stick.