Having hope but is it too much...

J and I had a talk yesterday.  I told him that this is the one that will work.  These embies are going to be our babies in nine months.  I want to believe that to be true.  J is afraid I'm too attached to the embryos and he's right.  I have been every time.  I must believe I'm capable of becoming a mother.  The fact is, I am already.  Once my eggs were fertilized and became embryos they became my babies.  I want them to want to live.  I want them to be strong enough to survive the transfer and implant in my uterus.  They're already my babies.  I guess it's harder for J since he isn't the one going through all the shots, pills, procedures.  I feel things happen to my body that he will never understand or be able to imagine.  He'll never understand the betrayal I feel that my body can't become pregnant on it's own.  Either way, he is afraid I'm going to be disappointed again.  I want to say that he is wrong but he's not.  I think even though I may be disappointed in the end, it's more important to believe that I'm already a mother. I can't wait till tomorrow already.  I'm excited to get to this point. 

Patience....

Ok.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm sitting by the phone waiting for my RE to call me with the fertilization report.  The last 2 times he called between 8:45 & 9:30.  Well, it's 9:50 and nothing.  I'm starting to freak out about it.  What if none of the 6 eggs fertilized?  My heart would just break.  Why isn't he calling me, darn it.  I can't take the waiting.  It's excruciating.  I feel so exhausted still and sore from the procedure still.  My eyes are so heavy and tired lately.  Please don't let this be bad news for me.  J went out to a junk yard south of here.

Ok.  I just got the call.  Same as last time.  Only 2 fertilized.  That's better than none at all.  I guess that's all my body can handle.  It sucks but these are my 2 babies and I want them to survive and grow for the next 9 months in my tummy.  I'm prepared that this may not happen but we'll see what happens.  I feel better knowing I have 2 babies to put in my tummy on Monday....till next time.

ER today....

Ok.  I made it through today.  I have been so emotional and on edge for the last few weeks so I can't believe I made it to this. My company has successfully been acquired by another on 6/1.  This has created most of the stress for me.  I'm am so unsure of everything and worried about this IVF not working and getting stuck with a 20K bill from the hospital.  I'm ready for the fight.  I'm sure they won't pay if they don't have to. Not to mention that I only had my old insurance card since it will take another week for everything with the new company to get processed.  That didn't help me for today at all but the hospital took my old card.  Of course, I get home and look at my work email where they explain what to do if you have stuff like this going on.  They should have sent that email on 6/1 not 6/3.  That really annoyed me. Anyway, the ER seemed to go well.  My RE said I had 6 eggs retrieved.  Tomorrow morning he will call me and give me the fertilization report.  I'm praying for all 6 to fertilize but that's not what seems to happen with my eggs.  I'll be happy if I get at least half fertilized and good quality for Monday.  We'll see.  I'm praying for this.  Till tomorrow....

Week of hell....

A lot happened this week.  I started stims for my 3rd IVF, had a 2 1/2 hour meeting with the company that bought my present company and found out about my new benefits including Infertility coverage.  It was a tough week to get through.  My IF coverage is up to a $2,000 max lifetime benefit.  In other words, I have no IF coverage.  What made it worse is that I had a short conversation with the benefits person and he was aware of my unique situation.  He said he just isn't sure what will happen if I'm still in treatment when the company changes hands.  I'm already taking drugs so stopping now isn't an option.  I'm just going to have go hope for the best.  This will be my last IVF treatment and if it doesn't work we will have to wait till we can come up with money to pay for a donor as well as the IVF treatment.  It could be 1-2 years to save that kind of money.  I think we would need at least 30K for the whole thing.  I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  Right now, I am trying to have positive thoughts about this IVF and the outcome.  People at work have been so negative and scared about the changes that are taking place and I think it's important for me to stay focused and positive.  I'm making good money right now and still feel secure in my job.  So, for the next few weeks I am going to concentrate on my future baby.  She's out there.  She's growing right now in my ovaries and I can't wait to meet her.  I know that this time is going to work for us.  I just know it. 

1st appointment tomorrow...

Well, I'm finally starting my next cycle and it couldn't have come at a better time.  Tomorrow we have a 2 1/2 hour meeting with the HR department of the new company.  I will finally find out what will happen with our coverage.  I'm trying to be realistic because I know the chances of having infertility coverage is slim to none.  But a part of me is still in fantasy land and thinking it's all just a bad dream.  Three years ago when J got his new flying gig and he almost got fired in the first few days, my mother reminded me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  Sometimes, I think I need to be weaker.  Maybe if I was weaker I would already have my family.  I know that's a stupid thing to think because I would have other challenges.  And I know the grass is always greener but it seems some people have it so easy.  For the last 5 years we've lost everything and had to build back up.  It's taken a while but I finally don't get freaked out about a car breakdown or flooded basement.  It's easy for some people to say, "if you need tires, go buy tires"  but we also know that no money means money.  If a tire blows and cost more because my tires were bad than that's the way it has to be.  This year the Gov raised the income tax because the State can't figure out how to budget with what they have. Gee, I wish I could do that too to balance my family budget.  Anyway,  tomorrow I go in for my baseline b/w and ultrasound.   Stay tuned.  After tomorrow I become the pill popping pin cushion for the next month.

IVF #3 is up next.....

Well, I had my RE app yesterday.  He mentioned how wonderful the embies looked.  Picture perfect, exactly like you see in books.  Then he talked about waiting till they are blastocysts which is five day old embryos.  However, waiting that long could mean the death of the only 2 embryos I had so he didn't think that was an option.  Next topic was the DE.  I think I am ready for that option however I brought up the insurance nightmare that will be coming and he changed his tune.  His reasons for mentioning the DE was obviously because we are spinning our wheels right now and these embryos just won't implant and live beyond day 3 and he didn't want me to waste my last 2 cycles on my own eggs.  I want to be a mom.  I want to have a family so DE is fine at this point.  We just don't have the 8-12K for the donor and since the insurance is going to change and may not have any infertility coverage then we might as well go for it before it changes.  If it doesn't work then we'll save up our money for a donor cycle.  Apparently, time is not an issue if we go down that road.  In the meantime, I plan to start exercising, learn Yoga and eat better.  I'm taking a load of vitamins so I'm hoping that helps things out.  Maybe we'll have the golden egg this time.  I just want to get on with my life already and have our family.  It's so hard to see so many women at work get pregnant so easily.  I wonder why it has to be difficult for us.  I feel broken.  All these years wasted  I wish I had known then and I wouldn't have waited.  I always assumed that it was because J was always on the road so our opportunities were slim.  Anyway, drugs are in the process of being ordered so this cycle is on it's way.  Let the games begin.