Why me....

Well the results were just as I had thought.  Not pregnant.  I feel so broken right now.  I gave up my genetics so I can get pregnant and it still didn't work.  I was able to get a hold of the oncall nurse yesterday morning.  She was able to track down the results.  Since I already had that gut feeling that it was negative anyway, I just didn't want to take any more meds.  Now, I'm having the severe backache and cramps that even advil won't stop.  Plus, I'm feeling very emotional.  I just don't understand why I can't get pregnant. I have questions for the RE.  Can it be J's sperm or could it be me?  I looked at a former analaysis that said fair to poor sperm DNA fragmentation.  When I questioned it the coordinator said "well just use ICSI".  It seems that's the answer to everything.  That was the previous clinic's analaysis.  Or is my body rejecting the embryos for some reason?  I guess I'll talk to my nurse and RE soon to figure this out.  We need answers and if we need to use donor embryos we're ready to do that. 

Stress, stress and yet, more stress.....

OK. I just need to rant.  I believe this cycle is a bust.  I believe I'm NOT pregnant.  I've taken many HPT's and all are negative.  I went for a blood test at my monitoring facility at 7:30AM.  Paid them, left for work.  I worked half a day so I wouldn't be at work when I got the call.  I just wanted to grieve in private.  Anyway, at around 1:20 I get a call from the monitoring facility and they lost my vial of blood.  I still can't believe it.  They lost a vial of blood and wanted me to come back and do it again.  So I went.  I really wanted to know today so I can stop taking medications that aren't necessary.  They don't make me feel very good.  Anyway, they assured me that they would get the results today.  Well, no phone call from SC and my nurse was off today to boot.  By the time I called SC it was after 5PM and I guess that's the end of the day for them.  So I still don't know if I'm preg or not.  I better hear from the tomorrow before I have to take meds or I'm calling them.  If I don't hear from them or they didn't get the results, I'm going straight to the monitoring facility and getting the results from them.  I'm just so fed up, angry, upset, emotional right now.  AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW DAMNIT! 

J has left for work and now I'm alone....

It's been nice being home together all this time.  I've been pretty much stress free since the transfer.  I've slept when I felt like it. Got up when I felt like it.  Although, today was different.  J had to get up at 4AM which was really 5AM (thank goodness).  Of course, I've been up since then.  He won't be home till Friday so it will be an interesting week alone and going back to work.  One of my co-workers texted me and told me to find her when I get in.  She said something happened on Friday and she wants to talk to me.  I couldn't convince her to tell me anything so I have to wait. 

The other thing is that I've had such fatigue since I had the transfer.  Most likely from the huge amount of progesterone that says it may cause drowsiness.  I'm not sure how I'll get through a day of work with this fatigue but I'll manage.  And hopefully, one day this week, I'll be pleasantly surprised.  I have been POAS since yesterday but it's been negative.  I expected it to be.  I think the earliest would be tomorrow if I'm lucky.  Of course, even if all my HPT's are negative, the final result is the HCG blood test on Friday.  That's the one that counts and you never know as each woman's level of HCG can be different.   I'm so glad J will be coming home on that day. 

Almost the end of my vacation...

Well, my office believes I'm on vacation but this has been anything but a vacation.  Some know what I was doing this week but most people just think I took a trip with J.  I've been napping and resting as much as possible.  On 11/9 I'll get my official beta but I did go out today and buy some HPT's.  I'm not sure yet when I'll start peeing on a stick (POAS).  I'm itching to start now but it's only been a total of 7 days since the eggs were fertilized.  Perhaps I'll start on Sunday.  I wish we could know right away.  I examine every twinge, pinch, cramp I get. 

Bad news...

I'm feeling rather sad right now.  I found out our remaining embryos arrested.  I'm hoping and praying the ones they tranferred are still growing.  It's so hard to deal with all this but J and I talked about our options.  First, I guess I'll find out if the other recipient got pregnant and still is.  If so, J and I will look into embryo donation.  He doesn't want to waste any more time by trying to go through this again if it's his sperm that is the problem.  Right now, I'm just going to continue my medication and pray that my embryos will be ok.

PUPO and hopeful....

Well, I'm officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).  We wound up doing the transfer yesterday.  They transferred 2 embryos (one 8 cell, one 7 cell).  The remainder of the embryos are growing at a slower rate which is why my Dr wanted to do the transfer on day 3.  I'm still hopeful that this will bring home my baby.  I'm hoping to find out about the other embryos sometime tomorrow.  I'm praying that we'll have some frosties to give us some siblings but the fact that they were growing a bit slower wasn't a good sign.  It's a good thing J was with me, because that diazapan had my head spinning and I couldn't retain what the Dr was saying to us.  I looked so out of it plus, my bladder was so full I had to pee and fill 2 cups and then stop.  I'm not sure what's worse, in pain from an overfilled bladder or trying to pee and stop midstream. Being that I was pretty much stoned on valium, I almost forgot to stop peeing.  Anyway, the fun waiting game begins.