Insecurities....

Ok.  It's Sunday.  I've gone shopping and I'm nearly ready for the transfer tomorrow.  The only thing is that I am terrified of is that I'll get a call from my RE saying none of my embies survived through the weekend.  Please God don't let me get a call like that.  I'm all alone here and I'm not sure I could handle that.  It would be so devastating to me right now.  Tonight, I know that is all I will think about.  Not sure I can change that right now.  Maybe it's because I only have 2 that made it so far that I have this feeling.  Although, I do remember the last time I had equally disturbing thoughts.  1st, J's sperm would be dead, 2nd, no eggs were retrieved, 3rd, none making it to transfer.  I felt that before so I guess it's normal to feel this way again.  I just wish J was here with me.  But if I make to the transfer then I'm prepared to welcome our embryos into my uterus and give them a warm and snuggley place to stay for nine months.  I just hope they want the same thing.  I pray they have the will to live.  Please God, let them be okay for tomorrow and after.   I want them to become babies, toddlers, adolescents, and adults.  To live to be exceptional human beings that have everything they want in life and then some.  Please God, let us have that chance.

Getting ready for the dreaded 2ww....

Well, I had my ER on 4/1.  Guess I was getting an April Fools joke played on me because I was told I had 6 eggs retrieved.  Today my RE called me and told me only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized so I'm in the same boat as last month.  I want to be positive.  I know it only takes 1 good embryo.  The other thing that is getting me down is that J won't be here for the transfer.  He left today.  Sometimes I feel like he would rather not be around me lately.  He seemed eager to leave.  I'm sure that's not the case.  He's tried to get his trip swapped so he could be here but it didn't work out. He's seems to have a knack for stressing me out lately.  Maybe it's better that he's not here.  Maybe my stress level will be lower if I don't have to hear about how calling in sick is risking his current job and future jobs.  I've waited for years to get pregnant and he is unknowingly sabotaging my every chance.   I don't lay the guilt trip on him by saying over and over how because of him we waited too long to have a baby.  We should have gone to a specialist 5 years ago but that wasn't an option for us then.   I'm here in the Chicagoland area far away from family.  I have a few friends here but most of my closest friends are located in the east coast.  I have no one else but J to depend on and sometimes I feel like I am totally on my own.  Anyway, my transfer is on Monday so I need to prepare so I can rest as much as possible.  I want those days to be as relaxing as possible. 

Frustrated and uncomfortable...

Well, I thought I would be doing this on Wed.  My RE has thrown a monkey-wrench into the whole plan.  The plan was to trigger tonight and do the retrieval on Wed.  Well, he wants me to continue with the meds till Wed and come back for yet another blood test and ultrasound to see if I'm ready to trigger.  I'm super uncomfortable.  I'm running out of spots to inject myself that aren't bruised.  Plus, now I have to take so much additional time off and J is working on the day of transfer.  I really hate the idea of having to do this alone.  I was also so super stressed waiting for the nurse to call me tonight.  I was getting so freaked out.  I didn't hear back from them till 5:40.  I was afraid they left a message on someone else's phone but they didn't.  It turned out that they also had to get me re-scheduled for Friday.  That's what took so much time to do.  Anyway, that's my update on this IVF cycle.  Retrieval set for April Fools Day.  Woo hoo.

Getting closer to the big day...

I've been going through monitoring Wed, Fri, and will be going in tomorrow.  Looks like I'm progressing much faster this time around.  They are counting 6 follicles this time and they are getting bigger.  I'm hoping on Monday that my estrogen will be high enough for me to do the trigger shot and retrieval on Wed.  Let's just pray that it all works out that way.  J can't afford to take anymore time off and I'm getting some issues at my job too.  I can't arrange for coverage every time.  I really hope this works and I wound up pregnant.  Otherwise, next time, I'm not telling anyone and just going to call in sick last minute.  It's not right that I have to figure out coverage for my days off.  Anyway, I really don't need the added stress.  Right now, I abdomen feels swollen and sore.  I'm very hopeful this time around that it will work.  Please God let this be our time. 

Talking....

Well, J and I had a heart to heart talk last night.  I'm glad.  He said he'll be there for me when the time comes.  He not worried about missing a job fair.  He is worried about bringing attention to himself and that's why he doesn't want to call in sick.  And now he's worried about the FMLA.  So here what we've decided to do.  He's off from 3/30 till 4/2.  Hopefully, the retrieval will be on 3/31 or 4/1.  Then I'll only need to worry about the transfer.  J is convinced that the doctor said they could arrange to pick me up and drop me off but I think he was dreaming.  I have no memory of that conversation but I said I'll ask.  Otherwise, if necessary, I can take a cab.  I only live up the road from the hospital.  I will only have taken a mild Valium and by the time I leave I could probably even drive myself.  We'll see. He's also thinking of talking to his base manager about dropping those days off at the beginning of the month and picking up trips on his vacation.  I hope he can do it.  I wish I could tell him for sure about the timing but I have no idea.  Anyway, these drugs are making me very loopy this time around.  Maybe it's because of the higher dosage.  I am excited to find out how I'm doing.  Till then.

Depression......

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  It started out ok but I started to think about all the sacrifices I've made over the years and J's responses to me recently.  I know our lives had taken a huge setback.  With J's company going bankrupt and him being on disability, it was virtually impossible for him to get another flying job.  Then I lost my job.  In the end we had to file bankruptcy and we nearly lost our house.  It was some of the most difficult times for us.  I had never realized how dependent we were on our credit cards until they were gone.  And I don't mean for frivolous items.  I mean for food, clothing, things that make the car and house go. I've been able to do without.  I wear clothes from 10 years ago but clothes don't last forever. But it's been over 5 years since that awful time in our lives and we've been able to get through it.  Now, I'm in my 40's and I'm feeling old. I'm afraid I'll never have my dream of being a mother but J will have all that he wants.  I feel like he never thinks of my feelings. I think he thinks it's ok now that he somehow believes that if we don't get pregnant now, that we can just adopt or get donor eggs after I hit menopause.  But it makes me angry that he's willing to sacrifice me and wait even longer so he can have his workshop, job, etc.  Meanwhile, I'm feeling broken and sad inside.  I spent the afternoon in bed really sad all day.  J didn't come home and that just made me feel worse.  He is sick and didn't want to come home.  I feel like he would rather stay in MEM than come home to me.  Anyway, yesterday is over and today is Sunday so I'm going to do my best to get out of this funk.  Here's to a new day.