Depression......

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  It started out ok but I started to think about all the sacrifices I've made over the years and J's responses to me recently.  I know our lives had taken a huge setback.  With J's company going bankrupt and him being on disability, it was virtually impossible for him to get another flying job.  Then I lost my job.  In the end we had to file bankruptcy and we nearly lost our house.  It was some of the most difficult times for us.  I had never realized how dependent we were on our credit cards until they were gone.  And I don't mean for frivolous items.  I mean for food, clothing, things that make the car and house go. I've been able to do without.  I wear clothes from 10 years ago but clothes don't last forever. But it's been over 5 years since that awful time in our lives and we've been able to get through it.  Now, I'm in my 40's and I'm feeling old. I'm afraid I'll never have my dream of being a mother but J will have all that he wants.  I feel like he never thinks of my feelings. I think he thinks it's ok now that he somehow believes that if we don't get pregnant now, that we can just adopt or get donor eggs after I hit menopause.  But it makes me angry that he's willing to sacrifice me and wait even longer so he can have his workshop, job, etc.  Meanwhile, I'm feeling broken and sad inside.  I spent the afternoon in bed really sad all day.  J didn't come home and that just made me feel worse.  He is sick and didn't want to come home.  I feel like he would rather stay in MEM than come home to me.  Anyway, yesterday is over and today is Sunday so I'm going to do my best to get out of this funk.  Here's to a new day.