Another BFN...

It's been a while since I've posted.  Things have been crazy around here lately.  Not to mention my last and final IVF resulting in another BFN.  So now we move on.  We'll be trying naturally and saving our money for one final try to have a family.  It will take about a year.  I hope in that year it just happens naturally but if not, we have a plan.  I guess that's all I really need to know.  What we are going to try to do to make this happen.  J and I have a savings plan.  I'm saving $300 per check and he'll be giving me around $2K by the end of they year.  For now, I'm taking my supplements and praying for a natural pregnancy.  It can happen. I'm going for fertility massages at least 2x per month and we'll see what happens.  Anyway, I just got back from one and I'm feeling super sleepy right now.  Very relaxed.  I want it to stay that way so I'm thinking of taking a bath with lavender oils.  It's very soothing. 

Not sure what to think....

I know this whole thing has been a long shot but I've been feeling cramps like I'm getting my period.  On the first 2 IVF's I didn't get my period till I stopped all the meds.  I had pain but not cramps like this.  I'm hoping it's a good sign but who knows.  I've been taking HPT since yesterday.  They are positive but each one I took gets lighter with each try.  I had an HCG booster shot so I did expect to see a positive.  I just want it to stay that way.  According to what happens to the embryo, HCG should enter my system starting tomorrow.  I plan to take another test when I wake up.  I know I'm just torturing myself and wasting lots of money on all these HPT but I can't help it.  I want this to work so badly.  It's just so important to me.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I want to be happy and excited for the future.  Is that too much to ask?  I feel like everyone seems to be able to get preggo but me.  My former coworker had her daughter in her 40's.  I just want to be a mom.  I want us to get to the next chapter in our lives already.   We've been married for 13 years and trying for a baby for the last 8 of those years.  Haven't we waited long enough.  Anyway, the 2ww is almost over.  I have a BT tomorrow morning to check my hormone levels and Pregnancy test will be on Friday.  Till then.

Last day of bed rest...

Well the journey into the 2ww has started.  Actually, it started on Monday after the transfer.  Now is the time I'll read into every pain or abnormal feeling or thinking it's an abnormal feeling.  Now is the time to POAS (pee on a stick) till the day I go in for my beta.  I do hate this part.  And what's worse is that I will have to go to work but I made a decision that I won't answer my phone till I go home.  J wanted me to wait till he gets home but I told him I can't because I'll need to know what to do from there.  But I can wait till the end of the day and really, I'll already know because of the POAS.  I'm a POAS addict.  Can't help it.  I already have plans to buy out the store.  I have coupons in hand and ready to purchase and since tomorrow is already Thursday, I'll only have a week and day to wait till beta.  My RE showed up the pictures of the embryos.  One looked like it progressed further than the other.  I'm hoping that's a good sign and that it survived past day 3.  Seems that day 3 is the turning point.  Up to that point the egg development is based on the mothers genes but then the embryo's combined genes take over and it's usually at that point, if anything is wrong, that development will stop and embie will die.  That's the risk I took at my age.  Right now, I am PUPO.  I will enjoy it and think positive thoughts.  I am pregnant.  I am worthy of being pregnant.  I am worthy of being a mother.  I am going to be a wonderful mother.  I am already attached to my embies and want them to grow in my belly for the next nine months.  I want them both to survive.  Is that too much to ask?

Having hope but is it too much...

J and I had a talk yesterday.  I told him that this is the one that will work.  These embies are going to be our babies in nine months.  I want to believe that to be true.  J is afraid I'm too attached to the embryos and he's right.  I have been every time.  I must believe I'm capable of becoming a mother.  The fact is, I am already.  Once my eggs were fertilized and became embryos they became my babies.  I want them to want to live.  I want them to be strong enough to survive the transfer and implant in my uterus.  They're already my babies.  I guess it's harder for J since he isn't the one going through all the shots, pills, procedures.  I feel things happen to my body that he will never understand or be able to imagine.  He'll never understand the betrayal I feel that my body can't become pregnant on it's own.  Either way, he is afraid I'm going to be disappointed again.  I want to say that he is wrong but he's not.  I think even though I may be disappointed in the end, it's more important to believe that I'm already a mother. I can't wait till tomorrow already.  I'm excited to get to this point. 

Patience....

Ok.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm sitting by the phone waiting for my RE to call me with the fertilization report.  The last 2 times he called between 8:45 & 9:30.  Well, it's 9:50 and nothing.  I'm starting to freak out about it.  What if none of the 6 eggs fertilized?  My heart would just break.  Why isn't he calling me, darn it.  I can't take the waiting.  It's excruciating.  I feel so exhausted still and sore from the procedure still.  My eyes are so heavy and tired lately.  Please don't let this be bad news for me.  J went out to a junk yard south of here.

Ok.  I just got the call.  Same as last time.  Only 2 fertilized.  That's better than none at all.  I guess that's all my body can handle.  It sucks but these are my 2 babies and I want them to survive and grow for the next 9 months in my tummy.  I'm prepared that this may not happen but we'll see what happens.  I feel better knowing I have 2 babies to put in my tummy on Monday....till next time.

ER today....

Ok.  I made it through today.  I have been so emotional and on edge for the last few weeks so I can't believe I made it to this. My company has successfully been acquired by another on 6/1.  This has created most of the stress for me.  I'm am so unsure of everything and worried about this IVF not working and getting stuck with a 20K bill from the hospital.  I'm ready for the fight.  I'm sure they won't pay if they don't have to. Not to mention that I only had my old insurance card since it will take another week for everything with the new company to get processed.  That didn't help me for today at all but the hospital took my old card.  Of course, I get home and look at my work email where they explain what to do if you have stuff like this going on.  They should have sent that email on 6/1 not 6/3.  That really annoyed me. Anyway, the ER seemed to go well.  My RE said I had 6 eggs retrieved.  Tomorrow morning he will call me and give me the fertilization report.  I'm praying for all 6 to fertilize but that's not what seems to happen with my eggs.  I'll be happy if I get at least half fertilized and good quality for Monday.  We'll see.  I'm praying for this.  Till tomorrow....