Tomorrow is judgement day....

Well, maybe not but I will be finding out how the meds are treating my body.  I'm praying that my ultrasound shows a nice thick lining and ready for developing baby.  I've been so stressed about this working out exactly like they planned.  J said if anything goes wrong, he'll go to the chief pilot and talk to him and see what they can do.  He said he'll do reserve or whatever it takes.  I really needed to hear that.  Now, I need him to learn how to do injections.  I'll have to start progesterone injections and my nurse mentioned about teaching him.  I think I can do one side but not the other.  Then again, I've never done this injection myself.  But I might be asking one of my co-workers for help a few times a week since J will be gone for most of November anyway.  Well, I'm trying not to think about the PIO shot too much.  I'll stress myself out if I do.  I just want to get through tomorrow, get good news in the afternoon and then finish the week and not think about my job.  I think something must be happening.  I've been getting some wierd feelings in my uterus.  A dull cramping and my abdomen is sensitive.  I'm up to 6mg of Estrace so we'll see.  Well, tomorrow will be a super early day for me so I think I'll get as much ready tonight as I can.  Hopefully, I hear the good news I'm hoping for. 

Finally started.....

It feels like this year has been the longest ever but still the shortest ever.  I'm finally on meds.  1st was BCP's and then I started Lupron injections on 10/4. On 10/12 I started Estrace.  I've been having fatigue and killer headaches but I'm keeping my eye on the prize and praying that this time we are successful.  I still have lots of panic and nightmares though.  I keep dreaming things are going to go wrong.  It's so hard when it's all out of your control.  I take the drugs when they tell me to, get monitoring when I'm told, and I'll do my transfer when I'm told.  I'm just hoping my uterus cooperates.  I'm so scared things won't go on schedule.  J is due to fly to SC on 10/26 to fertilize our eggs.  Then we are going down again on 10/28.  Transfer is either 10/29 or 10/31.  It's all planned but what if the timing is off.  All these what if's keep going through my mind all the time.  What if my body is a week behind schedule.  J has the end of the month off and I can't just take days off on a whim.  What if the eggs don't survive the thaw.  What if J's sperm doesn't fertilize the eggs.  What if the embryos that do fertilize don't make it to day three.  I'm so terrified of it all.  J asked me if we had a plan if for some reason the eggs don't fertilize with his sperm and I figure our last option is embryo donation.  It's really all we can afford to do after this.  But, I'm trying to be hopeful about this.  My RE said they've had great success with this and I just read a story about him being the first doctor in SC to use frozen eggs with successful pregnancies through delivery.  One set of twins and a singleton birth.  I just need to try to focus on those positives and try to get those nightmares out of my head right now. Also would be nice if the  hot flashes and headaches would stop.  Darn Lupron. 

Family Visit

This past weekend I went to visit my family in NY. It's been 6 years since I've seen everyone. My sister and mom have mentioned that my dad isn't doing too well. In fact my sister says the same about my mom but I think she's just fine. Anyway, I used J's flight benefits. I don't do it often and in fact have only used them once before. Everything went very well. No problems getting checked in and in fact, I even got to sit in first class in both directions. It was nice seeing everyone but 4 days was enough. My family hasn't changed one bit other than getting older. I even told my older sister about my fertility issues. She had fertility issues too although they are different than mine. She said she wouldn't say anything to anyone. For the last 5 years all I've wanted was to just tell them the good news that I'm pregnant but it never happened. Just two more months and we will be in SC for the transfer. Right now it feels like it's going to take forever to get here.

Getting by and surviving...

Ok.  So yesterday I had a bad day.  J came home and we talked about it.  I also talked to a friend at work and she said I should focus on something else for the next few months.  I know she's right so my goal is to get back on track with diet and exercise.  Staying healthy is very important and all that stress and depression isn't good for staying healthy.  Funny that J and my friend said the same thing about needing to stay healthy.  Depression isn't easy to overcome but luckily I am not naturally a depressed person.  I know some people have imbalances that cause that but for the most part, I am a happy person.  I want to focus on the good not the bad.  I know for my sake, staying healthy will help me in the end. 

Bad Days...

For the most part, I've been feeling pretty good about everything.  I have 8 frozen eggs waiting for me and I'm praying everything will work out for us.  Then my co-worker, who sits in the same row as me, makes an announcement.  "My HCG is 9 hundred and something.  That's good isn't it?"  Kept a smile on my face and gave her a big congratulations and excused myself back to my desk.  She is currently planning a wedding so I was taken by surprise that she was announcing she's pregnant and she's really early too.  She doesn't know about my TTC issues.  I don't share with too many people here at the office.  And for some reason this one seems to hurt more than when other people tell me they are pregnant.  Right now, I'm just wishing it was the end of the day so I can go home and cry.  It's taking everything in me to stay in control right now and not let it out. 

Progress...

Well, my donor has gone through retrieval and I have 8 mature eggs frozen.  I'm starting to feel hopeful and excited that this is really going to happen but I'm still cautiously optimistic.  I still have so many worries.  For one thing, I found out my pap smear was abnormal so I need to have that checked out.  Then, I worry about having enough money saved for our plans in October, J getting the time off he needs to go to SC, the eggs surviving the thaw, then fertilizing, making it day 3 or 5, etc.  I know I have 2 months before I start meds so I have a plan to help the time go by faster.  For one thing, I need to get back in the swing of things with my health.  Lately, I've haven't been watching my carbs as well as I did before and I've noticed the difference in tracking my BS.  I've also noticed much more fatigue which is a sign of high BS.  I need to keep track and start going back to the gym.  It would be great if I could lose 5 more lbs before I start meds.  I know I can do it.  Anyway, I just need to get back on track with sparkpeople.  My favorite weight loss tool.