Family Visit

This past weekend I went to visit my family in NY. It's been 6 years since I've seen everyone. My sister and mom have mentioned that my dad isn't doing too well. In fact my sister says the same about my mom but I think she's just fine. Anyway, I used J's flight benefits. I don't do it often and in fact have only used them once before. Everything went very well. No problems getting checked in and in fact, I even got to sit in first class in both directions. It was nice seeing everyone but 4 days was enough. My family hasn't changed one bit other than getting older. I even told my older sister about my fertility issues. She had fertility issues too although they are different than mine. She said she wouldn't say anything to anyone. For the last 5 years all I've wanted was to just tell them the good news that I'm pregnant but it never happened. Just two more months and we will be in SC for the transfer. Right now it feels like it's going to take forever to get here.

Getting by and surviving...

Ok.  So yesterday I had a bad day.  J came home and we talked about it.  I also talked to a friend at work and she said I should focus on something else for the next few months.  I know she's right so my goal is to get back on track with diet and exercise.  Staying healthy is very important and all that stress and depression isn't good for staying healthy.  Funny that J and my friend said the same thing about needing to stay healthy.  Depression isn't easy to overcome but luckily I am not naturally a depressed person.  I know some people have imbalances that cause that but for the most part, I am a happy person.  I want to focus on the good not the bad.  I know for my sake, staying healthy will help me in the end. 

Bad Days...

For the most part, I've been feeling pretty good about everything.  I have 8 frozen eggs waiting for me and I'm praying everything will work out for us.  Then my co-worker, who sits in the same row as me, makes an announcement.  "My HCG is 9 hundred and something.  That's good isn't it?"  Kept a smile on my face and gave her a big congratulations and excused myself back to my desk.  She is currently planning a wedding so I was taken by surprise that she was announcing she's pregnant and she's really early too.  She doesn't know about my TTC issues.  I don't share with too many people here at the office.  And for some reason this one seems to hurt more than when other people tell me they are pregnant.  Right now, I'm just wishing it was the end of the day so I can go home and cry.  It's taking everything in me to stay in control right now and not let it out. 

Progress...

Well, my donor has gone through retrieval and I have 8 mature eggs frozen.  I'm starting to feel hopeful and excited that this is really going to happen but I'm still cautiously optimistic.  I still have so many worries.  For one thing, I found out my pap smear was abnormal so I need to have that checked out.  Then, I worry about having enough money saved for our plans in October, J getting the time off he needs to go to SC, the eggs surviving the thaw, then fertilizing, making it day 3 or 5, etc.  I know I have 2 months before I start meds so I have a plan to help the time go by faster.  For one thing, I need to get back in the swing of things with my health.  Lately, I've haven't been watching my carbs as well as I did before and I've noticed the difference in tracking my BS.  I've also noticed much more fatigue which is a sign of high BS.  I need to keep track and start going back to the gym.  It would be great if I could lose 5 more lbs before I start meds.  I know I can do it.  Anyway, I just need to get back on track with sparkpeople.  My favorite weight loss tool.

Next Steps...

It's been awhile since my last post.  Lately I'm having moments of happiness, then sadness, moments of hope, then despair.  I do think I've been through some sort of depression these past few years.  Infertility has consumed my life and it's so frustrating.  Will getting pregnant and having a baby solve that?  Who knows anymore.  I've been trying to have a baby for so long that sometimes I can't even imagine it actually happening and yet I can't imagine the rest of my life without children being part of it all. 

I finally had my consult in SC.  It went fairly well along with some comical moments and a little loss of dignity.  I'll do whatever I need to do so my dream of motherhood comes true.  One of the comical moments happened in the waiting area.  We got there and checked in.  Another couple was there with a set of twins. They eventually left.  About five minutes later another couple comes in with another set of twins.  I can see J's eyes looking over at them, then looking over at me and back at them.  J looks at me and says, "OMG, it's a twin factory".  I don't think it really dawned on him till that moment that if we transfer 2 embryos, we could have 2 babies.  Reality check for J.  I have considered the option that we do a single embryo transfer if the Dr thinks it will work.  We'll see when the time comes.  As of now, the transfer is scheduled for the end of Oct.  Donor will be having the retrieval this weekend.  I'll find out how many eggs I have then and they will be frozen till we go down in Oct.  Hopefully, she'll have lots of eggs retrieved.  My nurse told me the donor is doing well so far.  I just need to get thru Aug and Sept and then I'll start my meds.  Time will go quickly then. 

Till then and to help pass the time, I'm thinking of visiting my parents at the end of Aug.  My parents aren't getting any younger and I haven't been home to visit in 6 years.  It's long overdue.  I think I can actually use my non-rev benefits for this one.  My sister has agreed to pick me up at LGA so it won't cost me anything and they really want me to visit and so do I.  NY Pizza here I come. 

It's been awhile....

I haven't written for awhile now and I'm not sure why.  Well, maybe I am sure why.  I feel like if I put it down on paper (or blog) it will change somehow.  That I'm going to jinx it somehow.  Crazy isn't it?  It does happen a lot since you have the depend on this donor to do her end.  And pray that she has enough eggs for both of us.  Anyway, so you can figure out that I found a donor and I started BCP (those things are really evil) a few weeks ago.  We have our consult set up in Charleston at the end of July.  Of course it's always a challenge with J's schedule.  We managed to get in between his days off and unfortunately, he doesn't more than day at home before going back to work.  Anyway, my nurse said the donor's retrieval is going to be around Aug 2nd and our half of the eggs will be frozen. This will give us the opportunity to save more money but I want to get this show on the road already.  Of course right after I picked a donor and get started, I get a call from NC with a donor option.  J and I decided that we will try this study 1st then, if it doesn't work out, move back on to the NC clinic.  If they had bothered to return calls and emails I might not have even looked any further.  So maybe it was a blessing that they did.  I really hope so and pray we are making the right choice.