Ups, downs, highs, lows....

That's how I feel lately.  Every day I wake up not knowing how I'm going to feel throughout the day.  I put on a smile every day but inside I feel like I am being torn apart.  I feel so incomplete.  All I want is to be a mom.  Have a family of my own.  Year by year, month by month and I'm still not a mom and know that I need to wait a little bit longer.  I look at my savings over and over.  I keep trying to will it to grow faster but I know that's not possible.  Maybe by June, we'll be able to get this party started.  Actually, we still don't have a donor yet either.  I know it will all come together and I just need to be patient but it's so hard.  I've waited so long already and a little longer seems like an eternity.  I guess it's good to have a distraction.  I'm still working on losing weight.  I have another 10 lbs to go and I think I'll be done.  Let's hope my weight loss goal coincides with my quest for motherhood.  Till then.

The waiting game.....

Lately, I feel like all I'm doing is waiting.  Waiting till we have enough money saved, waiting for a donor to become available, waiting for the nice weather to come...etc, etc....I feel the clock ticking by and I'm always still in the waiting game.  I've watched as my friends have gotten pregnant, given birth and raised their children.  I've watched my sister raise her boys, both of my sister-in-laws raise their children.  I've watched and waited patiently for my turn.  For our turn.  Sometimes I feel like I've been trying to become a mother for so long that I don't know how I'll handle it when I get pregnant.  If I get pregnant.  I want to be positive but sometimes it's so hard.  Right now, I feel very lost.  Every aspect of my life is in disorder.  My blood sugar, my house, me.  I feel like I'm in disorder.  Will my dreams of being a mother ever really happen?  Is it a dream that is out of my reach forever?  I didn't know it was going to be this hard.  I had thought that getting pregnant would have been the easy part.  What did I do to deserve this?  Why am I so broken?  I know this is just a moment I'm having today and it will pass.  And I'll continue waiting for my turn. 

14 Years....

It's so hard to believe that J & I have been married for 14 years.  I often wonder about how we're still together after all this time.  The years seem to have flown by (no pun intended) but at the same time I recall many moments of waiting for J to come home.  We've had to live apart for nearly 10 months and then even when he was supposed to be living at home, he only managed to get home for 4 maybe 5 times a month. This has pretty much been the last 5 years.  This last year has gotten much better.  He really lives here now and we can enjoy our time together.  Our money issues have gotten better too.  We actually went out to celebrate our anniversary this year.  The last 5 years have been such a struggle so I think we really earned it.  A friend of mine mentioned a Brazilian Steakhouse that's nearby.  It was expensive but it was a special occasion so we splurged for once.  J really enjoyed it too.  I was a little annoyed with him before we left for the restaurant because we argued about me carrying his tobasco and steak sauce (his own concoction) which he said he couldn't live without.  I couldn't believe he wanted me to carry that into a nice restaurant but I knew if I didn't take it and he couldn't get the sauces he liked, then I would never hear the end of it.  So, I found a very small jar and in it went and yes, he used it....very discreetly.  Anyway, we stuffed ourselves silly with so much meat, salad, meat, bread, meat.  I think you get the drift.  Well, I was just so happy that J enjoyed himself.  Now, time to get back into my good eating habit and exercise routine. 

Picking of a Donor....

This week has been rather crazy.  Super busy at work but it seems to finally be winding down.  I had some time at the end of the day and was happy to get a call from the donor coordinator.  She was checking on the availability of one of the donors we were interested in but she hasn't been able to reach her.  Phone number has been changed and she hasn't answered her email.  I guess she wasn't too serious about being a donor then.  So then she had a donor that wasn't listed. She sounded great till she said she had colorblindness in her family.  I believe it was her grandfather.  Anyway, I told her that wouldn't work for us since J is a pilot, J's dad is a private pilot, J's grandfather built an airplane, half brother is a pilot, sister is married to a pilot.  I'm not saying we are going to have a boy or that even if we do, they'll want to be a pilot but it does seem to run in the family.  I was convinced of this when my mother-in-law gave me J's first book.  He used to have her read it to him at bedtime.  I think it was something like "Airplane specs....".  Anyway, 4 years old and that is the book he wants his mom to read to him at bedtime?  That to me says aviation is in the blood of J and his family.  And it would break my heart if we had a boy and they wound up with colorblindness and wanted to be a pilot.  Any boy we may have would have a 50% chance of having it and that is too much of a chance.  So then we went through all the donors.  Another one I'm interested in is getting ready to start a cycle and won't be available till May/June.  That is fine with us since we won't have all the funds needed till then.  I asked her how long it would take since we are doing a shared cycle.  Turned out she didn't realize that.  She said it could take a lot longer to get matched.  After our conversation, I felt so discouraged and depressed.  I've been trying to see if we could do our own cycle but it's a lot more money.  About 5K more.  I just need to keep the faith that this will all work out for us the way it should be.  I just need to be patient and keep on saving that money. 

Crazy couple of travelling days...

We finally made our trip to NC.  I was grateful for a bunch of things.  One is the weather.  Just a few days before our trip we had a snow storm but the day we left, all was clear in the skies.  Also grateful that my hubby is a pilot.  He wore his uniform and we breezed through the employee line in no time.  It is a nice perk.  The flight was uneventful.  The car rental was a snap.  We checked into the hotel, freshened up and away we went to visit family.  It was about 3 1/2 hours to get to Richmond.  J's sisters and families joined us.  It was great to see everyone and definitely long overdue.  J's younger sister has 2 kids I never met before.  They were both so adorable as was her older kids too.  She's got her hands full but it's so worth it.  Dinner was great but short. His mom made lasagna.  There's nothing like having a home cooked meal. Before we knew it, it was 7:30 and we had to get back to Raleigh.  We made back by 11 something.  The next morning I woke up, showered, went down for some breakfast in the hotel lobby.  The clinic was only a few doors down from our hotel which was a good thing.  Apparently, they have lots of appointments at 10AM and the parking lot had no spots.  J dropped me off and he went to go and park at the hotel while I filled out the paperwork.  Turned out the doctor had emergency surgery but would be back to meet us and perform my saline ultrasound.  I was such a nervous wreck about it to.  The clinic rearranged the schedule so we did our blood work first, then met with the psychiatrist.  Then we met with the doctor and right after, I had my saline ultrasound.  The nurse noticed I was a bit nervous.  My pulse was racing and blood pressure was a bit high.  When I was told about the procedure, the lady on the phone said I would feel pressure but that's all.  Well, let me tell you, "LIARS".  It was very painful.  One sad moment for me was the doctor saying he was surprised they ever got any eggs out of my ovaries as they had no noticeable activity.  But I guess that's why this decision is the right one for us.  We both want a family.  Anyway, the doctor took lots of pictures of my uterus and said everything looked good.  After that ordeal we went back to the hotel.  I needed to lay down for a bit.  We had one more appointment after our rest and that was the education part.  That also took longer than we thought.  We got packets of information and consent forms we need to fill out and send back.  The plan is to do this over the weekend and then I can mail the forms back.  The coordinator also said to email her any of our choices for a donor.  I've gone through the list on the site and noted a few choices.  She meets the donors so she also gets an idea of good matches.  Anyway, it was an overwhelming day for both of us and I'm glad that part is over.  We went for an early dinner and then we both crashed for the night. I wound up waking up in the middle of night and never fully got back to sleep.  Luckily for us, other than a rainstorm on the way to airport, the trip home was equally uneventful.  Just how we both like it.  Next steps paperwork and donor selection.  Yippee!!

Jealousies....

This weekend I went to a friends baby shower.  She is having her third baby and this time it's a girl.  I wish that it were me.  I don't feel anger or pissed off at her for being able to do something naturally that my body won't do.  I think if it were my BF I might feel differently.  She wasn't even interested in having a baby till I mentioned what I was going through.  Then she basically said that a donor baby wouldn't be my biological child.  She said other crazy off the wall nonsense that basically hurt my feelings.  Then a few months later, she tells me she's going through fertility testing.  Imagine that.  Hearing that made my blood boil.  I guess she was having some jealousies.  Well, I really enjoyed the baby shower.   I don't do a lot of socializing so it was a change of pace for me.  Luckily the weather cooperated.  Anyway, my time will come very soon.