Exhaustion....

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately.  I'm having such trouble focusing and feeling physically exhausted.  I've felt this way for days now and I have this weird indentation behind my ear that I just noticed.  My eyes are very itchy and swollen as well.  It's starting to scare me a little.  I wonder if any of these supplements can cause these issues.  Probably has something more to do with the weather though.  We've had super hot temps and high humidity and finally got some much needed rain.  It's still humid but the temps are in the high 80's.  I'm still super tired and still have laundry and the kitchen to clean up and have no desire to do either right now.  I was secretly hoping I was pregnant but I took an HPT and it was negative. I should have gotten my period today but with all the fertility treatments it wouldn't surprise me if my cycle is screwed up.  I'm on day 35 of my cycle which is very long for me.  My luteal phase is 11 days long.  It's day 12 now but I am starting to feel stronger cramps on and off now.  This whole cycle has been crazy.  I've felt pains in my abdomen that remind me of pinching. I'll just have to give it a few more days.  Maybe I screwed up my day of ovulation.  Anything is possible.  Nothing about this cycle has been normal for me so I'll just have to wait a few days and see what happens.  Anyways, I better do the stuff I need to do before I crash for the night.

Taking it one day at a time...

That's what I'm trying to do at least.  I've been researching the costs for DE/IVF and believe the clinic my RE recommended will be it.  Monitoring at home and trip to NC for the retrieval and transfer.  The clinic explained the process to me.  We go down for an initial visit and get all testing done at that time.  Any other test can be done at home if necessary.  Then it takes around 2-3 months to get matched to a donor and another couple for a split cycle.  My RE is convinced this will work for us.  He believes my egg quality is the only thing standing the way of us having our family.  It still hurts though.  The fact that we had embryos and they didn't make it.  I had six babies with J.  I know some people just think of them as a bunch of cells but they were more than that. They were us.  I know I need to get past this and move on.  Sometimes I have and sometimes I think about the fact that my embies died and never had a chance.  But I will have my family.  I am sure of that.  J is sure of that.  It's just good to have a goal in mind.  Planning for this is the only way I can get through this. 

My WTF App....

I originally wasn't sure if I was going to even make an appointment to see my RE.  Really didn't think it would help us any since we are now going to be self paying.  But, glad to say I was so wrong.  He had a plan to share and it's a good one in our situation.  He gave us the name of a clinic in NC that we can go and do the entire procedure with a donor.  Early monitoring and after transfer monitoring can be done in IL at my RE's office.  And what's even better is the price.  It's much cheaper than using a place around here.  I feel like it's so within my reach now.  I have concerns about my insurance paying for the last IVF and the money I'm saving might be going to them to pay for everything.  That pisses me off because I didn't ask for any of this.  I based my FSA on the benefits I had at the beginning of the year.  It wasn't my fault the company was acquired by another and benefits changed.  Why should I be getting penalized.  I'm jumping the gun because I haven't received any bills to pay yet.  I guess I should wait and see what happens.  Other than that, just continuing to do research and figure out what we need to do to get our babies.

Friends....

My best friend from home came to visit me for the 4th of July holiday.  We go to the Ribfest every year together.  We usually have a great time.  This year was a little different.  I was excited about my plans for having a baby and I shared that with her.  The first thing out of her mouth is "so it won't be yours".  I can't tell you how hurtful that was to hear and so untrue.  She kept on trying to defend her comment and kept going even though I told her it would be my baby.  She said it won't be my biological child and on and on.  I expected her to be happy for me and supportive but that went out the window with her first comment to me.  I'm sorry I said anything and now I won't be sharing that with her anymore.  As far as I'm concerned, she'll believe they are my own eggs even if they aren't.  This person will probably be a part of my life along with my children so I would prefer they don't hear that they aren't mine because of a small minded person.  J & my friend S said she is jealous.  Some ladies on the forum said the same thing too.  Maybe so but it's no excuse.  My sister adopted 2 children so are those boys not hers because she didn't give birth to them?  I've always believed they were her children.  That's what adoption is all about.  Completing your family.  Having children to love and love back.  I guess it's better to know now how she feels than further down the road.  I should have realized because as soon as I told her we were doing fertility treatments she suddenly decided that she would stop using birth control and if she got pregnant then so be it.  Why did she suddenly decide to do that?  Because I was?  Right now, I'm doing my best to take care of myself.  Working out, fertility massages, meditation, vitamins, etc.  I want to be as healthy as possible so I can carry a baby and hopefully have minimal health issues.  If my friend got pregnant she would have serious health issues since she is massively overweight.  She has health issues now so a pregnancy would only make it worse.  Anyway, I've wasted enough of my time thinking about her and her issues.  Time to move on to happier thoughts.

Another BFN...

It's been a while since I've posted.  Things have been crazy around here lately.  Not to mention my last and final IVF resulting in another BFN.  So now we move on.  We'll be trying naturally and saving our money for one final try to have a family.  It will take about a year.  I hope in that year it just happens naturally but if not, we have a plan.  I guess that's all I really need to know.  What we are going to try to do to make this happen.  J and I have a savings plan.  I'm saving $300 per check and he'll be giving me around $2K by the end of they year.  For now, I'm taking my supplements and praying for a natural pregnancy.  It can happen. I'm going for fertility massages at least 2x per month and we'll see what happens.  Anyway, I just got back from one and I'm feeling super sleepy right now.  Very relaxed.  I want it to stay that way so I'm thinking of taking a bath with lavender oils.  It's very soothing. 

Not sure what to think....

I know this whole thing has been a long shot but I've been feeling cramps like I'm getting my period.  On the first 2 IVF's I didn't get my period till I stopped all the meds.  I had pain but not cramps like this.  I'm hoping it's a good sign but who knows.  I've been taking HPT since yesterday.  They are positive but each one I took gets lighter with each try.  I had an HCG booster shot so I did expect to see a positive.  I just want it to stay that way.  According to what happens to the embryo, HCG should enter my system starting tomorrow.  I plan to take another test when I wake up.  I know I'm just torturing myself and wasting lots of money on all these HPT but I can't help it.  I want this to work so badly.  It's just so important to me.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I want to be happy and excited for the future.  Is that too much to ask?  I feel like everyone seems to be able to get preggo but me.  My former coworker had her daughter in her 40's.  I just want to be a mom.  I want us to get to the next chapter in our lives already.   We've been married for 13 years and trying for a baby for the last 8 of those years.  Haven't we waited long enough.  Anyway, the 2ww is almost over.  I have a BT tomorrow morning to check my hormone levels and Pregnancy test will be on Friday.  Till then.