New beginnings...

Today is the last day of the year.  I'm not sorry to see it go.  It's been a hard, emotional and difficult year filled with disappointment and heartache like I've never experienced before.  I need a fresh start and what better way to start then with the beginning of a new year.  I'm not making New Years Resolutions.  I'm making a commitment to myself.  I've been sad and depressed.  I know time heals all wounds and that's what I'm counting on.  And part of healing myself means taking care of myself.  So that's my resolution.  To do things to help myself and I'm starting today.

So Happy New Year everyone.  I pray all your hopes and dreams come true. I wish you all good health and happiness in the new year ahead.

Emotional and scared...

I feel lost these days.  I can cry at almost anything and feel terror about this next cycle.  All I want is to bring home a baby and have a family but I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  All these years of trying and we're still not there.  What do I have to do to have the one thing I want most in the world.  A baby to complete our family.  I feel like I'm asking for the impossible.  This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  All I want to do is cry and yell.  I put on a happy face at work but my insides are in constant turmoil.  My RE suggested putting in two embryos but J and I aren't ready for that.  My biggest worry is that both will take and I'll have to carry twins, my health will fail and I'll lose both babies.  That scares me more than anything else in the world.  I've already had so many failed IVF's and a miscarriage.  I don't think I could handle that.  I know I'm reading into things and maybe everything will be just fine but right now I feel scared and alone.  

Sabotaged...

I secretly feel like I sabotaged myself during this last cycle.  I could be grasping at straws, trying to find any reason whatsoever that would have caused this cycle to fail.  Maybe it's all just crazy talk.  Trying to make sense of something out of my control is not very rational but right now I found a reason and it will be hard for anyone to tell me differently.  On 11/10 my PC Dr convinced me to get a flu shot.  I didn't think anything of it but a week prior to my transfer I started feeling ill.  Sort of like I was getting the flu but then it would come and go.  I thought it was the progesterone but I'm not so sure right now since I started feeling better a week later and I was still on progesterone.  It's the only thing I did differently.  Like I said, I could be grasping at straws.  I want to believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes it's hard to accept that.  

Another NEG....

This year is almost over and I'm so glad.  From the miscarriage to this NEG it's getting too much for me to handle these days.  We plan to try again as soon as we can.  Obviously that will be Jan/Feb of 2016.  I'm just feeling so lost right now.  I just want to cry.

1st FET...

We had our first FET on 12/7.  It was a 5 day old embryo.  My Dr went over the embryo but I really didn't comprehend it all.  J said it was a good embryo.  We both want to be excited but the last time was such a punch in the face.  Now I'm just scared to be excited.  Perhaps it's because the miscarriage lasted so long.  I would have been mentally better off if it was just taken care of right away.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling very well since last week.  I wonder if I'm having a reaction to the PIO shots.  I feel like I'm getting the flu.  Achy, headaches, skin feels very sensitive. I feel better after taking Tylenol so I'm just going to keep doing that. I'm only taking the PIO once a day now.  My blood sugar has been out of control.  I have an Endo appointment tomorrow so hoping she'll help me with that.  Sometimes, I'm just taking 1-2 units every hour and it has no affect on anything.  I'll never know for sure what caused my last miscarriage but I don't want my diabetes to be the reason.

Well, here is a picture of my blast.  Hoping and praying it wants to be a part of our family for life.