Yikes....

I'm excited, scared, exhausted, moody and achy.  My stomach feels funny.  I feel nauseous.   I've been taking birth control pills for this month and I think they are making me feel ill.  Thank goodness it's only for one month.  Then I start the stims for the IVF.  I am getting the meds delivered by Fed Ex tomorrow.  It seems crazy.  It's here already.  Please let this work out.  I want to be a momma so badly.  I'm so glad J is doing his part.  We both still need to go in for blood work and take 10 days of antibiotics. 

On a sad note, Yeager is not doing well.  Yesterday, J had to take him to the vet to drain the fluid around his lungs again.  It's awful to see him struggling to breath.  The vet said it's only a matter of time.  They think he has lymphoma.  They will keep draining the fluid for now but eventually, he'll stop eating and he will go into shutdown.  Just thinking about it makes my heart break.  He's been such a comfort to me all these years.  We have a special bond.  He knows when I'm upset and works hard to make me happy.  I've really never seen anything like it before.  A part of me thinks he's still alive because of his will to live.  If it's even possible, I'd say that Yeager loves me and doesn't want to leave me and that has given him the drive to go on.  But this cancer isn't something that will just go away.  He's used his nine lives.  Now, we just have to wait for the inevitable moment to come.

It's starting to feel real....

It's the middle of Dec and I'm getting ready to start the IVF train.  My RE prescribed BCP (I had thought I wasn't going on them but I guess it helps them with timing)  WIN Fertility called and verified all the medications they are ordering.  I'll be getting a total of 9 drugs.  Antibiotics, injection drugs, pills, etc....All for 1 cycle of IVF.  I'm hoping I only need to do this once.  Anyway, I feel excited and overwhelmed.  Work is busy as hell and hopefully, it won't stress me out.  That's the last thing I need.  I did tell a few people at work so when I lose it because of the drugs they'll realize and not hold it against me.  I mean just a few days ago I lost it over a paper clip. Anyway, it's looking like I'll start the injections the week of Jan 9th sometime.  Hopefully, by Feb I'll be pregnant.  Please let this work.  I've been praying every day for this to work.  I know it's possible.  Women older than me can still get pregnant then I can too.  Please God, let me have the opportunity to become a Mom.  It's all I've ever wanted. 

Feeling Down...

I'm usually okay with being alone on holidays.  I'm used to it.  But today I've felt especially sad and lonely.  I'm just not sure why this time I feel this way.  J asked me if I wanted to with him to CHS and eat with him at Waffle House.  Except he asked me on Tuesday and I would have had to leave on Wed after my RE appointment.  Plus, we don't have any extra money and I would have to put the charges for parking on the credit card.  And the cats need meds twice a day.  It just seemed like too much to figure out on such short notice.  I am thinking about it for New Years though.  That might be more doable although I am still worried about the airport screening.  It would be nice to be with him even if it is a quick trip. Maybe that's what I need right now.  A trip with my husband.  The winters here are so awful.  Last year was one of the worst for us.  I had to work crazy hours during bad winter conditions in a car that has bad tires and temperamental 4 wheel drive. I couldn't even consider going anywhere with him.  We had absolutely no extra money.  But things are looking better these days with money.  We aren't feeling the same worry.  Plus, we did have a small victory.  We were able to pay off the "loan shark loan".  It felt great to be done with them.   That's an extra 355 per month in our pocket and I have a plan to get us saving.  We'll need to.  1st, we have to take care of the other loan against our home.  Then we will need to have funds available for when we have a baby.  I'm hoping by the end of next year we'll have a little one in the house with us.  I'm praying that all goes well in January. 

The Pilot Family Style Thanksgiving Day....

It was a perfect day.  The air was chilled and the sun was shining.  Perfect November day.  Thanksgiving Day.  Turkey, stuffing, cheddar potatoes and perfect Kahlua Chocolate Cheesecake for dessert.  Okay, so it was Tuesday, not Thursday and we had Chicken instead of Turkey and maybe the perfect dessert fell apart but it still tasted good.  But that is how we spend holidays before the holiday if my pilot is flying.  I wonder if other pilot families do that too.  If we lived closer to family I would probably just go there for thanksgiving.  I'm okay with being home alone.  I do get lonely but I have a plan for the rest of the week.  I have major cleaning to do.  Every room in this house except the basement.  That's J's area to do.  He did want me to travel with him for Thanksgiving.  He is going to be in Charleston, SC for most of the day  He's going to go to Waffle House for Thanksgiving dinner.  I will be having mac & cheese for my dinner.  It would have been nice to go with him but the weather across the country isn't looking good and I was worried about leaving the cats from Wed to Fri.  I also had an appointment with my RE today.  They did a sounding which measures my uterus and then I went over the medications I'll be taking with the nurse and how to administer them.  It was a lot to take in but I'm getting a little excited about the next few months.  I'm praying that it works on the 1st try. 

The crazy fertility journey among other worries.....

Well, today I called my RE's office.  He wasn't in so I will have to wait till tomorrow to find out what the next steps are.  The nurse was thinking I need to start on Birth Control Pills but I don't know.  She said it's not a matter of if but when, since my IVF will be in Jan.  The purpose of these pills is to change my cycle date so that it is more convenient with the doctor's office schedule.  Makes sense so far.  I've been keeping up on a fertility forum and I'm learning a lot by reading everyone's posts.  The process is very involved and things change daily.  My worry is about J.  He said not to worry about when he needs to be there.  He'll make it happen even if it requires a doctors note from my doctor.  I'm sure they will give it to him.  I just don't want him to get into any sort of trouble. 

That's not the only thing I worry about these days.  Lately, I have been obsessed with the new TSA procedures.  I just don't know if I can fly knowing what they will do.  I have seen numerous stories in the news about various incidents.  It all scares me so much that I can't watch them anymore.  I am not sure how safe these machines are.  Of course the government says they are safe but they say a lot of things without offering proof.  I'm also not crazy about forfeiting my rights by being molested by a stranger. So, I guess that means no flying for me because I won't submit to that naked body scanners and groping that they use all in the name of implied SAFETY.  J has said he hasn't had to go through them yet but I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth.  Anyway, it's starting to look like some of the things the TSA are doing are starting to change due to public outrage.  Once it changes, maybe I'll think of taking a trip somewhere.

Crazy month of coming and going...

Last month, October, was one of the best months we've had so far.  J actually spent more time at home last month than in the last 2 years that he's been with this airline.  Now it's November and it's not the same.  He is home 1 full day a week for this month and definitely not home for Thanksgiving.  I'm used to being home alone and that scares me a lot.  I had never anticipated being in this state for as long as we have been.  We were supposed to be here a year and move somewhere else.  That was 12 years ago. Time sure does fly when you aren't paying attention.  I miss spending Thanksgiving with my family.  I haven't seen them in 5 years now.  We talk but it isn't the same.  Nothing can take the place of a face to face visit.  I wish it was easier.  We have 3 cats and they have medical needs that need daily attention.  I would have to take them to a kennel which is way too expensive for us right now.  Plus, I think it would be traumatizing to them.  They are all used to being here and don't like leaving.  I'm sure I'll eventually take a trip home.  Maybe for a long weekend.  Leave on a Friday and come home on a Monday.  I think I can figure out something for those days.  Anyway, that won't be until next year sometime.  This November doesn't just have J busy.  I'm busy too.  I have some goals for the remainder of the year.  I am committed to making and mailing handmade Holiday cards again.  Last year didn't end well for me and I didn't make them.  I already know what I want to do so that's half the battle.  Next, I am committed to going through each room during the week of Thanksgiving and giving it a thorough cleaning from top to bottom starting with the computer room.  That alone will bring J's and my spirits up.  That alone is worth it.

Overwhelmed....

Well, we had our appointment yesterday.  Not what I was expecting.  I had hoped we have an easier time of this but that is not our destiny.  If we are to be successful in having a baby then we will need to do IVF.  We are going to give it try since we do have some sort of chance.  1st month is a dry run.  No drugs invovled except possibly a 10 day supply of antibiotics.  Then I get to learn how to give myself injections of hormones.  I hope they don't make me crazy.  I'm not looking forward to that part.  I feel a little scared and emotional about the whole thing too.  Right now, anything can make me cry.  I just keep trying not to think about it but it comes back to me.  And worse than that, I really need people to be positive but sometimes they don't think.  For instance, someone tells me it will probably take a long time anyway to do this.  More than once because the first time won't work.  Why would someone say that to me.  They didn't go thru it and really don't know what can happen all because they had one friend that went thru it and happened to them this way.  Why does that mean it will happen to me.  Maybe it will work on the first try.  I need to be hopeful.  I'm feeling lost right now.  J is gone till next week so I'm all alone and feel really sad.  I wish we didn't wait so long for us to have a baby.  If we had started trying 13 years ago, things might have been different.  We might not have had these issues or maybe we would have but now I'm at the end of the line.  It's now or never.  Next step for me is menopause.  I don't think I can consider the rest of my life childless.  J says he wants kids and he has come with me to the doctors office so far.  He seems on board and knows that this is the last chance for us to have a child.  I just have so much anxiety right now.  I need to figure out how to relax.  Maybe I'll go to the gym.  It might help.

Next Steps....

Well, today is the day we find out what our options are for having a baby.  I think everything will be alright.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I have been anxiously waiting for this appointment to arrive.  I have tried not to think about it, stress about it, worry about it and now we'll know by the afternoon what is going to happen.  I'm worried about having to give myself hormone shots.  I don't know if I can do it.  I once stabbed myself by accident with my cats diabetic needle.  It made me cry for a second.  If it hurts like that I don't know what I'll do.  I guess one step at a time.  Need to find out what the doctor has in mind first.  Then, I can freak out about shots I may need to give myself.  Yuck. 

Ok, enough of that.  J has been home more often in October and it was great.  It's also great now that I don't have to drive him to the airport and back all the time.  It was so exhausting for the last 2 years.  Trying to figure out how to leave work and pick him up so he didn't have to stay at the airport too long.  Getting up at 4AM to drop him off at the airport and me arriving at my job at 7AM when I don't have to be in till 8:30.  I hated it.  I was exhausted all the time.  Always on the run to airport, needing to fill up my gas tank.  I wish we lived closer to airport and it wouldn't be such a haul.  Right now, from my home, it takes 45 minutes.  From my job it takes 50 minutes.  Either way it sucks but I don't have to do it anymore.  Unless, he drives to his base and then flies home.  We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  Anyway, looks like November may not be that great.  He'll be home once a week for a full day as long as he has no commute issues (ha, who am I kidding...it's November and I can smell the snow coming now).  And of course, he is working on Thanksgiving so I'll be home alone.  We may celebrate on Tuesday (if he gets home) because he needs to fly back on Wed.  Oh well, maybe next year I can go visit family on Thanksgiving.  We'll see what next year brings.

Moving Forward.....

The last 5 years have been hard on us.  It's hard to believe that 5 years have passed since our lives changed.  I got laid off at my job, J's company went bankrupt and shut down.  We've been struggling ever since.  We've had our own bankruptcy to deal with and have been trying to re-build ever since.  J even had to take a job back in VA while I stayed here and held down the fort at the home front.  Luckily that was only for about 10 months.  He got a job with a regional airline just before all the companies stopped hiring. He's twittered on the edge of reserve for the last two years.  Gratefully, we were happy that he had a job but no movement in the seniority list for these last two years have been gruelling.  Thank god that hiring has finally started again. 



Another big movement for us is that we are finally moving forward, aggressively, with trying to have a baby.  I've had lots of testing done and now I am waiting to find out what the doctor has in mind to assist us in getting pregnant.  I can't wait.  It's been hard for me.  I'm in my 40's now and know my time is running out.  Even my doctor said something to me about it.  It really got me scared to move on this.  If J was home on a regular basis this wouldn't be as much of an issue because it doesn't look like anything is wrong with either of us.  But he is rarely home because of his low seniority number and bad schedules and I don't have time to wait for a good schedule to come along.  It's now or never.