Bad Days...

For the most part, I've been feeling pretty good about everything.  I have 8 frozen eggs waiting for me and I'm praying everything will work out for us.  Then my co-worker, who sits in the same row as me, makes an announcement.  "My HCG is 9 hundred and something.  That's good isn't it?"  Kept a smile on my face and gave her a big congratulations and excused myself back to my desk.  She is currently planning a wedding so I was taken by surprise that she was announcing she's pregnant and she's really early too.  She doesn't know about my TTC issues.  I don't share with too many people here at the office.  And for some reason this one seems to hurt more than when other people tell me they are pregnant.  Right now, I'm just wishing it was the end of the day so I can go home and cry.  It's taking everything in me to stay in control right now and not let it out. 

Progress...

Well, my donor has gone through retrieval and I have 8 mature eggs frozen.  I'm starting to feel hopeful and excited that this is really going to happen but I'm still cautiously optimistic.  I still have so many worries.  For one thing, I found out my pap smear was abnormal so I need to have that checked out.  Then, I worry about having enough money saved for our plans in October, J getting the time off he needs to go to SC, the eggs surviving the thaw, then fertilizing, making it day 3 or 5, etc.  I know I have 2 months before I start meds so I have a plan to help the time go by faster.  For one thing, I need to get back in the swing of things with my health.  Lately, I've haven't been watching my carbs as well as I did before and I've noticed the difference in tracking my BS.  I've also noticed much more fatigue which is a sign of high BS.  I need to keep track and start going back to the gym.  It would be great if I could lose 5 more lbs before I start meds.  I know I can do it.  Anyway, I just need to get back on track with sparkpeople.  My favorite weight loss tool.

Next Steps...

It's been awhile since my last post.  Lately I'm having moments of happiness, then sadness, moments of hope, then despair.  I do think I've been through some sort of depression these past few years.  Infertility has consumed my life and it's so frustrating.  Will getting pregnant and having a baby solve that?  Who knows anymore.  I've been trying to have a baby for so long that sometimes I can't even imagine it actually happening and yet I can't imagine the rest of my life without children being part of it all. 

I finally had my consult in SC.  It went fairly well along with some comical moments and a little loss of dignity.  I'll do whatever I need to do so my dream of motherhood comes true.  One of the comical moments happened in the waiting area.  We got there and checked in.  Another couple was there with a set of twins. They eventually left.  About five minutes later another couple comes in with another set of twins.  I can see J's eyes looking over at them, then looking over at me and back at them.  J looks at me and says, "OMG, it's a twin factory".  I don't think it really dawned on him till that moment that if we transfer 2 embryos, we could have 2 babies.  Reality check for J.  I have considered the option that we do a single embryo transfer if the Dr thinks it will work.  We'll see when the time comes.  As of now, the transfer is scheduled for the end of Oct.  Donor will be having the retrieval this weekend.  I'll find out how many eggs I have then and they will be frozen till we go down in Oct.  Hopefully, she'll have lots of eggs retrieved.  My nurse told me the donor is doing well so far.  I just need to get thru Aug and Sept and then I'll start my meds.  Time will go quickly then. 

Till then and to help pass the time, I'm thinking of visiting my parents at the end of Aug.  My parents aren't getting any younger and I haven't been home to visit in 6 years.  It's long overdue.  I think I can actually use my non-rev benefits for this one.  My sister has agreed to pick me up at LGA so it won't cost me anything and they really want me to visit and so do I.  NY Pizza here I come. 

It's been awhile....

I haven't written for awhile now and I'm not sure why.  Well, maybe I am sure why.  I feel like if I put it down on paper (or blog) it will change somehow.  That I'm going to jinx it somehow.  Crazy isn't it?  It does happen a lot since you have the depend on this donor to do her end.  And pray that she has enough eggs for both of us.  Anyway, so you can figure out that I found a donor and I started BCP (those things are really evil) a few weeks ago.  We have our consult set up in Charleston at the end of July.  Of course it's always a challenge with J's schedule.  We managed to get in between his days off and unfortunately, he doesn't more than day at home before going back to work.  Anyway, my nurse said the donor's retrieval is going to be around Aug 2nd and our half of the eggs will be frozen. This will give us the opportunity to save more money but I want to get this show on the road already.  Of course right after I picked a donor and get started, I get a call from NC with a donor option.  J and I decided that we will try this study 1st then, if it doesn't work out, move back on to the NC clinic.  If they had bothered to return calls and emails I might not have even looked any further.  So maybe it was a blessing that they did.  I really hope so and pray we are making the right choice. 

Normal...

I often wonder what is normal.  Most people work normal days and come home every evening, make dinner, clean up, settle down and do it all over again.  And if you're married, you do that as a couple.  In my world normal is getting up alone, going to work, coming home to a house full of kitties and doing my own thing till bed.  Then other days, J is home and sleeps in till I leave for work.  I get to come home to J making dinner and scrambling to get the bed made and dishes done so I don't think he was a lazy good for nothing all day.  By the way, knowing that he does that before I get home always amuses me. 

Anyway, it's now the end of May and I just don't know when we'll be ready to do a donor cycle.  I was hoping to have a donor lined up, and another couple to do the split with by now but it's not looking good.  I've researched other clinics and even those don't seem to be working out well.  I won't give up.  It's my dream to have a family.  I'll keep researching clinics and I'll keep on calling the NC & SC clinics and continue to save as much money as possible.  I did come up with a game plan if this split cycle doesn't work out.  By Nov we should have enough to pay for a full cycle.  Hopefully, we'll have a donor in mind, and we'll go ahead and pay for the cycle.  Then we'll wait till the new year and start a new FSA account with an additional 5K and pay for the medications and monitoring.  I really wanted to do this before my birthday this year but I need to accept that's not going to happen.  Anyway, having a plan really helps me with the disappointment. 

New Clinic

Well, yesterday I got to work super early so I can get myself organized before my phone consult.  I sat by my phone at work and waited.  I was giddy and excited about this call.  I waited for 3 weeks for it.  Anyway, 8:30 came and went.  At 8:45 I called the facility and the receptionist transfered me to the Dr's nurse.  I left a message and at 9AM I went off to a status meeting.  I was close to tears but was able to hold it together till we were done.  I just couldn't believe I got stood up.  All I want is to find a clinic that will work with me.  Anyway, I got back from my meeting and the Dr called and left me a message.  He thought I was coming in for the consult and didn't realize he had to call me.  So I called back and he took my call right away.  He went through everything with me and looked through my medical history.  He then said the nurse will call me so I can get set up.  I talked to her later and feel really good so far about this clinic.  I filled out the rest of the paperwork and now I'm waiting for log in and password info for the donor portal.  I think once I see who the available donors are, we'll be able to determine what our next step is.  It's nice to talk to people that want to work with you.  I just didn't get that feeling from the NC clinic and still don't.