Staying Positive....

I'm trying.  TTC and not getting anywhere is exhausting and disappointing.  It's something I have no control over and I need to keep reminding myself of that.  I just want it now.  And why not?  I've been trying for years and it hardly seems fair anymore.  It seems the ladies at work get preggo by drinking the water.  They don't know how lucky they are.  But seeing them everyday has been difficult.  I was talking with one of my co-workers and the subject came up.  I usually say we are trying and having some difficulties.  They know how old I am.  Anyway, she said, "you can take one of mine".  Really?  I don't want her kid, I want my own kid.  I know she didn't realize she said anything wrong but it stung.  I'm counting the months till we get close to the end of the year.  We plan to do a consult with the clinic and apply for a loan.  Hopefully, everything will work out this time.  I'm not looking forward to the shots again but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  Anyway, we're still trying naturally but ever since my last IVF, my cycle is not the same  Not sure why but I'll keep trying even though it's been hard.  J has a lousy job for TTC.  That along with both our IF issues doesn't make it easy.  I'm thinking that it's crazy to try to take all these supplements.  They are expensive and I could be putting that money away for the IVF next year.  Well, it's only 4 more months.  Just wish it was now.  

Seriously feels like we have everything working against us....

Okay.  So we are trying to conceive naturally while saving our dollars for DE/IVF next year. It can't hurt right?  Anyway, I'm tracking my cycle and we figured out that on J's next 3 days off will be perfect timing.  At least that's how my cycle has been for years. Ovulate between the 16th and 18th day of my cycle.  I use a CBE monitor as well as BBT to help predict ovulation.  Apparently, I'm ready to ovulate now.  Today, day 15.  I already got the peak reading Sat and Sun.  It's Monday and we've had nasty storms that caused ground delays where he is now.  So, he finally got on the plane so now I sigh with relief that he's on his way.  Hold on, phone rings. Plane broke.  De-planing.  It's after 9PM and he's been trying to get home since 6PM his time.  If I don't hear from him, it means he's on his way finally.  They were swapping planes on our last conversation.  I'm hoping tomorrow isn't too late but only time will tell.  It can't hurt to try anyway. 

Making deals with myself...

I've been trying to get healthy again.  Eat better, lose weight, exercise on a regular basis.  I make these deals with myself a lot.  I start out well and then I lose momentum.  I'm hoping this time is different.  I'm making smaller goals and hoping I can keep those.  Jeez, I'm only letting myself down.  Interestingly enough I'm more upset when I let other people down and not myself.  I guess I can make excuses for myself which I can accept.  Anyway, I did well last weekend and I even went to the gym on Wed.  I planned to go tonight but I did so much walking up and down the stairs at work my feet and legs are killing me right now.  But, I will go tomorrow and Sunday for sure.  Another deal but I think it's one I will keep. 

Insurance Crap...

Ok.  So yesterday, I looked on the billing website at the hospital that I had my IVF done.  The first bill, which is the big bill was gone.  I thought, my RE's office did take care of it.  Awesome job.  Well, not so fast.  Just now I got the notification that my bill is in and awaiting payment.  Joy.  5 thousand something dollars.  Great.  I am so confused because WIN is billing the insurance 17K and the hospital is billing me 5K plus.  I guess I'll call my RE's office tomorrow and see what's going on.  There are still more outstanding bills and I want this resolved.  I don't want the money I'm saving to go to the hospital. It's bad enough I have lost my full IF coverage mid year.  I just wish this would all go away.  It seems sometimes that some people have it so much easier.  I know the grass is always greener but right now it just feels like that.  Some people are in the right place at the right time and get rewarded.  I know people say that God only gives you as much as you can handle.  I feel like I've reached my breaking point but it just keeps on coming.  I know we'll get this resolved one way or another.  I'm just tired of getting the short end of the stick.

What's Normal...

J left for his trip today.  He'll be home on Monday night.  For the last 3 years he would come home for a day and a half and then leave again to go back to work.  A week or more later, same thing.  It became normal.  J running around leaving half his belongings all across America.  His luggage sitting on the floor in our bedroom by the window.  Of course, even though he's home a lot more now, the luggage still seems to stay on the floor of our bedroom.  And I still need to bitch to get him to clean the liter box.  But overall, he does help out more.  Today he went back and before he left, he put my laundry away (instead of leaving it on the floor) and emptied the dishwasher, cleaned up the sink and changed the lights around the house.  It's just nice that he is home more. We are going to take a mini trip to Mall of America sometime in Aug.  I can't wait.  It's nice to have that time together.  It will be a road trip. We used to take road trips all the time.  It was our favorite thing to do.  Go for a drive to nowhere in particular.  Anyway, it will be nice to have something to look forward to. 

Another Neg...

Well, I guess this month is a bust.  I'm not giving up.  I won't.  I plan to keep trying till we have enough money saved for a donor.  But this cycle was not right.  I feel awful today.  Even now.  Headache, severe cramps (way more than I have ever felt on a non-medicated cycle), weird pains in my abdomen.  It feels kinda hard.  And I feel nausea and exhaustion.  In fact, I'm not sure I want to even write right now.  I wanted to look on the forum but it appears the site is down again.  I did see some good news on there before I left work.  Two more ladies are preggo.  It's very exciting to me.  It gives me inspiration and hope that I can and will get pregnant and be a mom too. Can't wait to see if there is more good news.